TRUTH!

And How Are You...?

I received this sweet message in my in box: "It's quiet here. It's TOO quiet. Do hope all is well & if not, that you are doing what you need to do to take good care of yourself. Come back when you can, you are missed."


Things are good... well, I won't lie, they've actually been tough.  One night in February, I was out having margaritas with "The Boy I Asked Out On Craigslist."  He had been one of my Adventure Bowl adventures and truly one of the best adventures yet.  But he was divorced and reeling from it and I was tired of dating guys who were getting over girls who were jerks.  The girls not the boys.  Though a guy not being able to get over a jerky girl often made them jerky themselves.


I had recently pulled out of the Adventure Bowl, "Start Going To Therapy" and the therapist had sort of insinuated that perhaps I had been too quick to throw this particular divorced fish back in the pond.  So we were having margaritas and talking and laughing and flirting and now I was thinking too, perhaps I had made a mistake.


Only, cute, tall, smart guys, even when they are jerky with jerky exes do not stay single for long.  He let me know, though I had released him back out into the dating wild a month ago, he was already seeing someone.  For a month.


Then he grabbed me and kissed me, leaving me to feel even more confused than ever.


But there was no time to explore this because at the same time I was making out with this jerk (now a confirmed jerk because he was seeing someone else, yet kissing me) my Dad was being transported by ambulance 3,000 miles away and would spend the next three weeks in intensive care, organs shutting down, desperately fighting for his life.


So that is why I have fallen off the face of the Earth.


And how are you?  Please tell me, distract me from myself.  I mean it!


That said, it's not like I have not been here before, sick and sad and worried over a sick parent.   I'm just getting tired of it, frankly.


However, I have not given up on the Adventure Bowl and it has saved my ass through this especially cruel few months.  One adventure especially has changed my life:  "Join Crossfit."  When you are feeling mentally broken down, there is nothing like pushing yourself way, way, way beyond your physical boundaries.


And finding those boundaries are meant to be broken.  I have spent a lot of time, drenched in sweat feeling completely broken on the floor of a gym yet with a smile on my face, shocked by what I can now do, physically.  


There's some news regarding my Dad that I can share soon... and I will, I promise.  Life lately has made me feel like "broken on the gym floor" is a very familiar place.  But I'm definitely seizing strength from it.  Getting mentally tough in ways that really surprise me.


This all might sound vague - so I'll put it this way, that Adventure Bowl has saved my ass once again.  My Dad getting so sick and nearly dying would have for sure put me to bed for way longer than 100 Days.  But a "new" (yet still very imperfect) me has emerged since starting these adventures and I beat back the sadness that threatened to take me down.


Summer is upon us.  What adventure will you partake in?  What is the thing you are dealing with right now that you most wish you had the strength for?  I'd love to know.


And Karen, thank you for the sweet comment that got me to write this post ;)




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And How Are You...?

Adventure Bowl Ask A Guy Out On A Date: Dates 1, 2 and 3... :)

Wow.  Is this my life?  Can you meet a great guy in a major city who is funny, smart, has feelings and is not afraid to feel them.  Oh, did I mention cute? Like majorly foxy, and tall.  With blue eyes.  And cheek bones!

I'm in a serious state of swoon.

Thank you, Adventure Bowl.  If you don't know how it all started, how I reached into my Adventure Bowl and pulled out, "Ask A Guy Out on A Date" then go down a few posts and read it all.  I thought I would be happy just to go out on a date that night and not be murdered.  The fact that I have gone on several MORE dates with someone I like, and like to kiss, is icing on the cake.

Me and my Craigslist List mystery man met at a beer and wine bar near me.  I didn't have huge expectations for the night.  I don't think I even showered, LOL... beyond showering that morning.  I put on makeup, a cute top and perfume but I hadn't felt that "indescribable something" that you want to feel when you see someone's picture in your inbox, so yeah, I didn't want to have all this build up before the date just to be disappointed (if that makes any sense.)

But the second I saw him, shyly peek his head around the corner and meet my glance, I thought, "Oh, shit, I should have showered!  He's so cute."  And he was. Tall, (6'3), blue eyes, funky glasses, a warm smile.  The smile is everything, isn't it?  I, of course, was immediately thrown and nervous and spoke a mile a minute about what I knew about the bar and all the different craft beers they had while an inner monologue was running through my head, "Dear God, don't blow it... wow, he smells good.  JUST ACT NORMAL!!!!"  Smile.  "Hi."

He grabbed us some beers and we talked and laughed.  And he was funny and sweet and smart and one thing that struck me was he had this beautiful optimism about life and that is something I really want in a person.  Soon we were running off to the bar across the street and then the bar across from that.  We talked all night long... my time in NYC, his job, his future, he might go back to school, his nieces and nephews, my nephews, my dogs, our dating life.

And then... he brings this up even now, how I reached over and just touched his face.  And I don't know what made me do it.  I think he was talking about something really personal (he is out of a very long relationship) and he looked a little sad talking about it, how painful it had been for it to end in the way it did and I just think I wanted to comfort him.  Something I might not have done had the beer not been flowing but he looked at me, his attention just sort of, took all of me in as if to say, thank you.

I can't explain it.  

We kissed but I was conscious of knowing this needs to be taken slow.

So we did.

Our second date was dinner at a nice restaurant.  More laughing and talking.  Less huge fireworks.  Hey, where did all the chemistry go?  Perhaps I'm just scared.  We kissed goodbye on a street corner and went our separate ways.  The next morning, there was an email, he had had so much fun and was looking forward to our next date.  Was I available Saturday evening?  He already knew the perfect place in mind.

We met there at 6:30pm.  At 2:00am we were still talking as the bar closed.  Laughing, being silly.  Holding hands.

I won't lie.  I'm scared.  I haven't liked anyone in 3 years.  Oh no, maybe 5 years.  In this real way.  A grown up way.  

So there we are.  I don't know what will happen.  It's sometimes easy and wonderful and other times, I'm quite scared.  I don't want to get hurt.  I don't have the time!  Or the energy!  I can't be down again.  I can't be let down.

I'm afraid I won't get up.

Yet there are times, too, when all of a sudden, his hand is on my back or his he pulls me in for a hug and I think... just go for it.  Stop over analyzing it.  Stop trying to break it.  Stop trying to end it before it even begins.

So that's where I am.  Feeling the reward of taking a crazy chance.  Taking an ad out for a man, essentially ordering him up like a pepperoni pizza, LOL, and it being pretty damn great.

I don't know what it will all be.  It might just be for right now.  Or it might be a lesson in just putting myself out there.  But I'll take it.

That's enough for me.

What are you doing to take a chance?  It's the new year, you must want to.  I swear, if shy ol' me can advertise for a man, you can not only do that, but you can DO ANYTHING you want.  What's your adventure?  Tell me in the comments!

***

Adventure Bowl
Ask A Guy Out On A Date: Dates 1, 2 and 3... :)

"Snap Out Of It!" Or Shit You DON'T Say To Someone Who Is Depressed

I always read your comments and believe me, they really mean a lot to me.  Today an email alert popped up in my Gmail account and I started to STRESS OUT immediately.  "Oh God, it's a reader calling me out on my BS... I said I'd have a new post up last week and now it's this week and still... no new post!"

My life, lately, is a Cathy cartoon of "Acks!"  (And eating crazy amounts of chocolate and feeling bad about myself in a bathing suit even though it's not bathing suit season, nor is it even close to bathing suit season.)

You feel me?  

But I read this sweet commenter's comment because it meant a lot to me that they took the time to write.  And then I had to read it again.  Because while I was struggling with what I might look like in a bathing suit in six months, they were struggling with something much deeper.

Here's the comment:

ANONYMOUS said...

Hi, I am a guy who has been in bed for 100 days or more depending on who you ask. I wanted to say that your stories do cross the gender boundaries and that reading your posts has been enlightening. It is nice to know that just because you have been depressed for a long time doesn't mean you are a loser, and that I am not the only one languishing in bed for days on end. 

People truly do not understand why it is that we do things like not leave the house, or turn down offers to go out in order to lay in bed. "Snap out of it!" has been hurled at me more than once, it is allot harder to "snap out of it" then others may realize. Perhaps this blog can shed some light on the process, and make people understand what it really means to be depressed. Thanx.

January 17, 2012 10:17 AM

I quickly fired back a reply, that I hope makes sense or inspires or offers, at least, a little bit of hope:

Dear Anonymous

Your comment popped up in my email and I wanted to reach out and let you know I am thinking about you. It sucks being depressed. When I was at my darkest times, I did make a deal with myself:

1) Take a shower every day
2) Get some sunshine every day with a five minute walk
3) Write in your journal - which can just be a notebook, just get your feelings out in some way.

I was surprised I started to at least feel a crack of light once I did these things. Other things that might help... 

1) Do you have job benefits? If you do, therapy is the best!
2) Is there one friend you can check in with a few times a week, even just for a laugh? Isolating is the worst.
3) I joined an online support group when I was feeling especially alone. It really helped. 

You sound as disillusioned as I did but there is the same spirit in you that I had, the desire to get better. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Kayla

I have no idea if what I said will help.  I mostly, when I was in my heap on my bed, wanted to know I wasn't alone.  I was lucky that I had access to benefits and got myself medicated and in therapy, although to be honest, that did not help me for a long, long time.  That said, my depression was pretty God damn severe and was compounded by losing my cousin, job and boyfriend in such a short amount of time and then my Mom getting sick.

What I'm trying to say is, yeah, it takes time and it does take effort.   No one who is depressed is ever going to "Snap out of it."  That's as ridiculous as standing in front of the mirror and thinking if you wished to be 20 pounds thinner, you could just wish it away.  "Drop off! C'mon, I said it, so do it!  Drop off."

Ridiculous.

THE GOOD NEWS: You want some good news regarding your depression?  Now this is just my opinion but I'll tell you this - I would rather have had a depression THAN not had one.  

Yeah, that's right.

Why is that?  Well, most people I know are experiencing some low level depression anyway.  Maybe they just don't have any energy or they shop or lay on the couch or watch endless amounts of TV to cover it up.  Maybe they are having a glass of wine earlier and earlier in the day to not think about how dissatisfied they are with their life.  Maybe they don't even know they are dissatisfied, they have gotten so used to this feeling.

A depression punches you in the gut and leaves you writhing on the floor.  The ONLY way to get better is to work through it.  To ask some really f'ing tough and uncomfortable questions about how you got here.  Giving your depression, your dissatisfaction, the time and energy it deserves - WILL GIVE BACK TO YOU 1,000,000 times over!

I promise.  I promise.  I promise.

Did I miss anything?  Is there anything you would like to tell Anonymous, whether cheering him on or giving him advice?  Do it in the comments!

*****

"Snap Out Of It!" Or Shit You DON'T Say To Someone Who Is Depressed

Adventure Bowl Ask A Guy Out On A Date

Yes, it sometimes seems as if the blogs have grown more infrequent as life is whipping past me at such a frantic pace. There always seems so much to do. Right now, in so certain order I must: do all my Christmas shopping, find a place to board my dog, fret over how much that is going to cost, get an Ambien for the plane ride home, clean my entire apartment, get my life fully organized and lose 20 pounds. But even in all the stress, I always think of this place as a place of solace and one I've missed very much.

I can feel a lot of things are changing... all for the good. It might be that sense of optimism that comes as a calendar year draws to a close and we can metaphorically feel like we can wipe the slate clean. I always feel like we can start over at any time... but I'm feeling it more so recently. I want to tell you about an adventure I pulled out of the bowl about a month ago... and one, I hope I am not being overdramatic, but I think might change my life...

So the bowl, you know, is filled with tons of adventures, lots of things written on little folded up pieces of paper. I try to pull one a week and force myself out of life's little ruts. It's a way to put a smile on my face as I do something offbeat and unexpected. It was over 6 months ago that I put "Ask A Guy On A Date" in the bowl after I had had some luck with that same adventure in New York City.

So a month ago, I pulled this same adventure. Instead of running around town looking high and low for someone to ask out... getting too shy or too scared to do it -- I did what had worked in NY: I took an ad out on Craigslist.

"Fun Girl Looking For Fun Guy For Happy Hour Drinks" the ad said. It seemed innocent enough. I had no plans that night and was just looking for someone cool, that was up for an adventure. If he was tall... or cute... that was a plus. Smart and funny? Another plus but not insisted upon. It was Craigslist after all, so mostly, I was looking for someone who would not kill me.

I was surprised to receive, in my inbox, the most shocking outpouring of pictures of male genitalia that I have ever seen. Perhaps, as I had put in my ad the last time I had done this, I should have cautioned, "Please do not send me a picture of your penis, as I already know what one looks like."

I was kind of taken aback... this was in the "Women for Men" section... certainly if I was looking for the sort of thing where a picture of someone's naked-osity was a prerequisite, wouldn't I have placed my ad somewhere else???? I pondered this, as I drove to 7-11 for a bottle of screw top wine. Only some cheap Chardonnay was going to take the sting out of this night.

It did. I settled into bed bummed this adventure had not gone the way I had hoped. Then... at 9:45pm, I received an email... from a gentleman... who was fully clothed. He was funny... he wore glasses... so perhaps he was smart, too. His smile was friendly and he used many exclamation points which made me thinking he was either mildly retarded or an optimist... Hmmm....

I certainly was not going out with a stranger after 10pm... and certainly not half in the bag on cheap Chardonnay. I had deleted all the other sinister emails I had gotten but kept coming back to this one. "He can't be normal. There must be something wrong with him. He is kind of cute though. He does have a beautiful smile... No... don't email back. He might murder you."

So I didn't.

Until the next afternoon. Was I really going to stay in tonight (AND EVERY OTHER NIGHT OF MY LIFE, ONLY TO DIE ALONE WITH 100 CATS???????). Or should I take a chance... be adventurous and email this guy?

So I did. I said he seemed fun and cool and since he did the job I used to do, we'd probably have a lot in common... however, since I was quite hungover after a night of consoling myself with cheap white wine after looking at lots of male nut sacks... I wouldn't be able to go out tonight... maybe some other time?

He replied back right away. "Well, my Friday night just got a lot less interesting!" (Again, with the !!!!!). But this time it charmed me... maybe he was... an optimist. Maybe he was a happy person... and being sincere. Those were all good things. And when he said he understood and when he said, "Maybe we'll meet another time," I got scared that maybe we wouldn't.

Because if he was all these good things, then he had as much chance of staying single in a big city as a roast chicken dinner has a chance of not being devoured if I turn my back on my pug for 2.5 seconds.

None.

So I emailed back... well, I was going to sweat out my hangover at the gym and certainly, if I was going to do that, I could go out for one drink. Would he meet in my neighborhood?

Yes, he would!!!! (!!!!)

But you'll have to wait until next time when I tell you the story of a gorgeous, super funny, incredible smart, tall, blue eyed stranger met me out for drinks.

And all about how I have learned a lesson or two in taking chances, being optimistic, the importance of exclamation points and seizing the moment.

I promise... it's a good story ;)

(Jan. 7: Update - TONIGHT ;)  Thanks for all your amazing comments! They mean so much to me!)

****

Adventure Bowl
Ask A Guy Out On A Date

There's a New Post! We Should Celebrate With Champagne in Bed!

First of all, I apologize for my absence.  I can explain it all right here:  totally new business opportunity I was going to be a part of went bust; needed to return to Los Angeles for work and was terribly sad about that; came back to LA, was terribly sad, ate a lot of Cheetos; started dating someone cute (sexy, hot! gives me girl boners!) and things started to look up; a new work opportunity came about and I sort of got the "life's kick in the pants" sign to just... GET GOING AGAIN.

Does that sound too vague?

The fact is, when I'm feeling overwhelmed or unsure or even a little down, I will tend to disappear.  And I did, didn't I?  A friend of mine told me she recommended this blog to someone as a giant pick-me-up but her friend told her, "Um, her blog is kind of depressing."  LOL!  I guess the last 2 entries have been.

I'm not good at faking happy when I'm not.  Which actually, you guys have been cool about.  Mel, a frequent reader often tells me to be "more real, more raw" -- that I should talk about the down times.  Life is hard for all of us.  Especially now in this place in history.

But when I'm feeling down, I feel like a failure... I can't explain why.  Maybe for not making the most of what I have.  Maybe for not being a trooper and just getting on with life.  You know, my whole life, I've watched my Mom just pretend to be happy even when she wasn't.  With a swish of a good lipstick and a smile she could turn a down day and a dark stormy cloud (in front of us) into, like, Miss America for everyone else.

Not that I blame her.  I don't.  I am responsible for me.  So... I was in a funk.  And it was feeling like a G-d damn deep one.  Job 1 was to get out of it.  I started on some meds which I know lots of people have different feelings about but WOW, I saw a difference in 2 weeks - from despair to... I don't even know how to describe it.  Just "goodness."

That made me get out of sweatpants and comb my darn hair.  Then more socializing, then off to the gym, then out on dates, then hoping on more creative endeavors, then breaking out the Adventure Bowl (which will be my next post).

I don't know how long I'll stay on these meds.  It's just helping me ride out this wave of... I don't even know what... bumpiness of life?  Yeah, I guess that's it.  I feel more happy, connected to myself and productive.  So I'll stick with it for another month or two.  To be honest, I really haven't felt this down since my cousin was killed but I did have the where-with-all to know "this is just chemical," I knew it was truly something meds could help with.  

I hope that brings you up to speed.  About that luscious boy I was speaking about?  Well, he's really sweet, really foxy and I like him.  Some red flags are jumping up in terms of anything long term but I am trying to tell myself to just SHUT UP and enjoy it.  It's just been a few dates, no need to get into my head right now and ruin it.

Does that answer everything?  You can ask me anything in the comments and I will answer!  I was floored and so happy to receive so many comments on the last post along with emails of support.  You guys and gals are the best!  :)  xoxoxo K

If you leave a comment, make sure to check back in!  I will be replying to all of them.  Thank you ;)

*****

There's a New Post! We Should Celebrate With Champagne in Bed!