I Am A Jack Ass

I see people reading here... they do it a lot.  And for a long time.  You know who you are, you who do not comment.  You, young lady or old lady or middle aged lady or you may not even be a lady at all and certainly, I am no lady for ever inferring you might be an old lady or no lady at all... what is wrong with me?

I am a Jack Ass.

I see you, one of you even read for 55 minutes on your Blackberry yesterday.  That's love. I think. I'm Catholic, so I am not sure about these things.  But I feel it must be love or maybe love.  Either way, I'll take it.

I mean, on a BLACKBERRY! That is a very small screen.  It must be love.

But you did not comment. Neither did the person who read for 23 minutes, 17 minutes, 47 minutes... certainly the person who had Googled "100 positions in bed" - well, I did not expect them to comment.   

But the rest of you, with the no commenting... it must be... because I am a Jack Ass.

Because I have not been writing regularly and therefore, I have squandered your love.  Is that it?  In the past, there have been many times I see tons and tons of people reading and they will not comment.  I often feel it's because a lot of the subject matter has been super personal and maybe it's hard to know what to say.

So I'm dropping in today to say, I love you guys, I love our community.  You can tell from my last post that my life is in a flux.  In the quietest places of my mind and heart, I know I need to write more.  I know I need to re-commit to the Adventures that so throughly saved me and nourished me and gave me hope and strength and pushed me on. 

I know I need you (to not think I'm a Jack Ass.) No... scratch that last part.  

I just need you.

So I wanted to say hi and I wanted to say to those of you reading, peeping, lurking, liking - to say hi back to me.  You don't even have to use your own name.  I would love to know what you like about what you've read or don't like... I'd even like you to tell me what to write in my next post.

It's my Thank You to you... you who keep reading here, the story of a girl trying to figure it all out in this mother-loving f'ing confusing crazy complex world... a girl who is trying desperately not to be a Jack Ass, to not let people down... ;) 

So... here I am. And Thank You. And I would love to know what is on your mind... 

****

I Am A Jack Ass

Adventure Bowl Guide for New Readers * How it Began & How it Works

Dear BlogHer readers - I have marked below in PURPLE where the blog picks up from where you read it on BlogHer.

A friend recently sent me a link to BlogHer and asked me why I don't write some blog posts there.  I thought it was a sweet suggestion.  She felt that many, many women have moments of their life where they go through depression and maybe they might find my experience of overcoming it (though I am always aware it might come back), helpful.

I wasn't sure which one of my blog posts to post on BlogHer - maybe I thought if I started at the beginning, the cause of my depression - which started on the day I found out my cousin was murdered.  It was then compounded because within a matter of months I lost my job as a comedy writer, ended my relationship with my boyfriend and my Mom went through such a long illness (er, um... nervous breakdown after my cousin's trial) that readers might think my life was... hmmm, what's the expression...

"A colossal bummer."

So I started my first blog on BlogHer with an Adventure Bowl story that glossed over my depression and went right to the fun part (I'm such a good Catholic like that).  I talked of how I finally decided that laying in bed, day after day, was just not working for me.  I didn't mention that at the time, I was rounding the 2 year anniversary of my cousin's death and thought it would be a really crappy way to honor his memory by being stuck in bed, the covers pulled over me, a bag of Doritos for lunch... you know, just like yesterday, the day before that and all the days before that.

So I decided I would take action.  Everyone had been telling me to read, "Eat Pray Love" and I did.  It INFURIATED me.  How was THAT book supposed to help ME?  I could barely shower myself or make even a bowl of cereal for myself - how was I going to travel three countries for a year.  Um... and with what money???

But I did respect the author's desire to take action.  Okay, I could "take action," too.  I did want out of this depression and I wanted out BADLY.  I had already lost so much.  "Okay, take action... I'll do it."

BlogHer readers - The Post picks up here!

I would put, in a bowl, which I named the Adventure Bowl, all the fun things I wanted to do.  It started with 20 suggestions and I could ad as many as I wanted, whenever I wanted.  The only rule, pick one a week - and no backing down, no excuses.  At first, I started off small - get a pedicure.  Go for a picnic in the park, eat a cupcake like I'm a little kid again (pure joy!), go to a fancy hotel and walk the grounds.

Basically, I was going to "Eat Pray Love" within a ten mile radius of my house and for under ten dollars.

I started to find the old me on these little adventures.  Find my smile.  Feel... happy.  I started to get more daring in what I would ad to the bowl - go paddle boarding, save up and go for a massage, test drive a Porsche, crash a fancy hotel pool.

It was these more daring adventures that boosted my confidence and helped me conquer fears.  When you start doing that, it carries over into other aspects of your life:  soon after (many months) I lost twenty pounds, I landed a dream job (I became persistent because I was ready to go after what I wanted - another great aspect of these adventures).  Additionally, I was becoming more social and I found myself standing up for myself more.

I still do the Adventure Bowl each week.  My favorite one so far?  Going jet skiing with one of my best friends and my sister.  I conquered a few fears - the ocean and the idea of losing control.  My sister swore I would be too scared to go fast on the jet ski but it was she who was begging for mercy when I was ripping through the water, and she who was clinging for her life to me :)

I was shocked by how many women on BlogHer read the post.  I know that going through a depression, for me, a situational depression, and working hard to overcome it, would resonate with a lot of women - I get so many amazing comments here and in the blog's email.

But when I saw today, that over 800 women has read that post, I was shocked.  But thrilled, too.  And many of those readers have come here - many reading this blog for over 2 hours at a time.

I just want to say thank you.  It really means a lot to me.  I like the thought that maybe it makes someone reading this blog, going through a hard time - feel less alone.  A single mom wrote me, she just wanted to get under the covers.  She's scared if she does, she may never come out.  I know what that feels like.  

While she enjoyed reading my story and thought the Adventure Bowl sounded awesome, she felt like I did when I read "Eat Pray Love" - who has the time or money for this?  

That's why I wrote today's post.  To clarify how I started off doing "adventures" that no other person, except one going through a depression, would consider an adventure.  If you are not getting out of bed because you are depressed, going for a pedicure, going to lay under a tree with a good book IS AN ADVENTURE.

Start off slow.  The only goal in the beginning is to get out of the house.  To put a smile on your face.  To remember the old you.  And to work slowly and gently to getting back to her.

I also explained that giving yourself these little adventures would give back to her family 100 fold.  Never feel guilty about taking time for yourself when ultimately, a happier more joyful you, makes your family happier, too.

I hope many of you will try an Adventure Bowl for your self.  I'd love to hear about what Adventures you would add to your bowl.  Also, if you have any questions, please let me know.  I would LOVE to answer them.  Thanks for stopping by :)

**

Adventure Bowl
Guide for New Readers * How it Began & How it Works

"Did You Go Back To Bed?" Um, Yeah, I Guess I Kinda Did

Wow, I have not posted in a loooooong time.  What happened there?  Okay, truth:  I have not dealt with anything except rainbows and sunshine of weather living in LA.  Coming to NY mid-October, the weather was BLISS, I literally felt HIGH by this move... like there was extra oxygen in the air.  

I walked around with the biggest, broadest smile you have EVER seen.  I wanted this move to be amazing and is was.  Then, it was just after Thanksgiving and the gloom came.  I'm on a budget so I was nervous about taking an apartment that was kind of low light.  But the point of a tiny apartment is to force you TO GET OUT OF IT, engage in the world.

But soon, with winter setting it, it was bleak in doors and bleak out doors.  My body did NOT know how to react.  I refused to go back to bed... however, I found a loop hole and would bury myself under the bed room covers on the couch, snuggled with two dogs, happy to lose the day with me.

Maybe I was wrong?  Maybe I should not have made this move.  Maybe I should have waited until spring.   Maybe, maybe, maybe...

I could see where this was going and it was NOT going to be good.  It was going to be going back to bed.  F-word.  I can't do that again.   That was horrible.  Depression, friendships hurt, work hurt, body not cute from no exercise...

So, recently, I gave myself a kick in the butt and decided to do three things that would change the sad and sorry state I was in.  #1  I started to monitor the weather for sunny days.  Even if the sun is out and it's 20 degrees, I am the HAPPIEST person in the world.  On those days, I walk in the sunshine to a cafe and work from there.  This might only be two times a week but if I know I have that to look forward to, I feel good.

#2  I forked over a little more money to my gym to take classes.  I noticed in my couch surfing state, I was going less and less.  But maybe if I was paying more, my Catholic Guilt™ would kick in and I would get my lazy butt off the couch.  That worked.  I've taken core suspension classes where we hang from the ceiling and trampoline classes where we bounce like little kids and what's that?  Oh, yeah, that's me smiling in the gym's mirror as I bounce, bounce, bounce.

Endorphins are awesome.

#3  Say yes to everything - any invitation I get, I say yes.  You should see how fast I run out of the house when my old room mate texts, "Bar?"  Not only that, I make my shy little self ASK PEOPLE to do stuff.  (And I am the Queen of Finding Cheap Stuff To Do.)  I will even run errands with people, LOL, just to get out of the apartment and have human interaction.

So I'm trying guys, I really am.  It's not easy, I'm shocked by how uneasy it is.  Oh, here's the 4th thing I do which is another reason I always ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO KEEP A JOURNAL --

I go back in my journal to read my entries from October.  I am so happy, joyous, proud of myself for this move.  The city is magical.  I love it here.  I take the time to stomp threw the leaves just to hear the "crunch, crunch."  I love how NEW everything is.  I can be a new me here and it is awesome.  

When I read that, it gives me so much hope.  "This bad time... it's only temporary."  My Mom, who has lived on the East Coast almost all her life said to me the other day, "You know, sometimes the winter's are so bad, I can never imagine that there will ever be a spring, but there always is."

Wow, okay.  That is the wisest thing I have ever heard.

Just like the dark time I had years ago, the light did come.  But, I had to take action to MAKE IT COME, just like I have to take action now.

I want to apologize for falling off the Earth.  I was dreading coming back because I was ashamed to be such a downer.  But in the comments of the last post, someone asked, "Did you go back to bed?"  Yeah, I kinda did.  But at least it didn't take me 100 days to figure it out.  (And you know that was really over 300 days but that didn't seem like a cool title...).

And maybe this will help someone who is feeling depressed right now.  

Sometimes it's so dark, you never think, the light will come.  But it will.

So, what do you do when you get down to shake yourself out of it?  Or do you have any good ideas to shake off the blues.  I'd love to hear them and I'm sure the readers would too.

Love you guys, thanks for hanging in there with me!  :)

"Did You Go Back To Bed?" Um, Yeah, I Guess I Kinda Did

Some Stuff About Me

I just did this questionaire for http://inspiredmess.blogspot.com and she's going to turn it into some kind of dazzling piece for her website.

Thank God because I haven't even had my second cup of coffee so Lord knows if it makes any sense. Yes, I know it's long. BUT I'M WORTH IT.

I just thought, if you're new, maybe I'd post it here, until her piece comes out.

1. Can you briefly share your story with us?

I'm a comedy writer living in LA who just thought she was living the dream. I had the most fabulous job in the world, literally, a dream job that you can't even imagine you'd ever have because you never could dream that big. I had a boyfriend, financial security (had just bought my first house) and my family was happy and healthy. And I was skinny too!

And then in a matter of months, it all went away. My boyfriend and I broke up, my cousin was murdered, I lost my job and had to move renters in my house and my Mom had a nervous breakdown. I got under the covers. Deep. I was so depressed... at this point, I wasn't even thinking about it ALL and how it ALL changed so fast. I was just deeply, deeply devastated at losing my cousin.

Two years later, I was still in the same place. No job, had gained a lot of weight. Depressed, isolating, feeling like a giant failure. If your job is to be funny but your life is the EXACT opposite of funny - it's going to be hard to be successful at it.

Plus, I didn't care. i didn't care about anything.

My cousin's second anniversary of death was coming around and I was just lost at sea. I started thinking about how he might see me. (I'm Catholic so yeah, I think about this stuff, like how he might literally see me from heaven.)

I thought he would not be proud of me that all I do is lay under the covers all day and be sad. I knew he would want a better life for me. To live a life that he had taken away. It also struck me that his brother and his father had made great strides in their grieving and I couldn't even get out of bed.

So that's why I started the blog. i saw it as a documentation of trying to piece my life back and maybe if someone was watching, I would have to be accountable and stick with it.

2. What made you want to start blogging? Have you always been a blogger?

So I think I answered this at the end of question 1, but please let me know if I can elaborate. I will say I have journaled since I was 12. Always writing down my thoughts and feelings. I feel like that was definitely a stepping stone with not only blogging but being okay with being REALLY real and raw and honest in my blogging because I just saw it as an extension of journaling.

But what also made me wanted to start blogging is because EVERY ONE in the world said I should read Eat Pray Love and that was going to magically transport me out of my depression. When I read it, I felt both thrilled and angered by it at the same time. I was happy for her, I was happy for whoever read it and was inspired by it. But for me, there was no way I could travel around the world for a year and a half and visit 3 countries as a way to find myself. I COULDN'T EVEN GET OUT OF BED. But I liked that she took action. So that nugget stayed with me, "Take action." Take action to get out of my depression. Okay, I'll do that.

3. How did you get the idea for the bowl of adventures?

The idea for the adventures came from, let's say six years ago. I was dating someone and the relationship was falling apart. Let me define that - I was still totally into him but he was calling the shots. Ladies, please note: if a guy doesn't want to spend time with you on the weekends, please take that as a cue that it's over.

Anyway, because my job was to be a funny writer lady and be upbeat, I could kind of hold it together all week and not really think about my disintegrating relationship. But on the weekends, I was just in the abyss, missing him, wondering what had gone wrong. Were we together, were we not?

I realized I was wasting away the person I used to be worrying about this relationship that obviously, was not bringing out the best qualities in me. So to make the weekends go by faster, I would read the LA Weekly which is a huge guide to what is going on that week in LA. i would rip out every single fun thing I wanted to do. An art gallery, a band, a wine tasting, this funky space where people made T-shirts while a DJ spinned.

It was a way to reclaim who I was and who I lost through this relationship. I used to keep all these ripped out articles in a bowl and then pull them out through the weekend. If I couldn't go to one, it would stay in the bowl to choose for another time. I started nick naming it "the adventure bowl" and there it was born.

4. What's your favorite adventure that you've been on so far?

I think pool crashing. See, every adventure is not just about the adventure but a larger thing. Pool crashing was about me stepping out of my regular self. The day I pool crashed, I was not just sweet and polite and obeying the rules. Or scared or taking no for an answer. I was daring and bold and persistent. I took something that seemed to be impossible - getting to a roof top pool at an exclusive hotel, on Memorial day, with security guards and wrist bands and a huge line and guest lists and still made it happen.

5. What's your scariest/most intimidating adventure that you've had to do so far?

I haven't had one yet but I recently put in ones like "Show up to the airport and get on a plane" or "get a nose ring." For both of those, I am trying to face something. Be more spontaneous, step out of conformity, remember who you were. So I think those will be intimidating and for the nose ring, I mean, come on, that's just going to hurt.

6. What's your favorite blog post that you've written? Which blog post has gotten the most reaction from your readers?

The biggest reaction might have been a post I wrote called "You Are Not Alone." I have a sitemeter hooked up to my blog where I can see how long people have read, what site brought them to me or what key words they searched to find me. I was looking at this one night and I saw a young girl's key words had been, "I AM SO FAT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME."

I was devastated to read this and I wrote a post, not just to the readers but really directly to her about my whole life of weight obsessions and diets and being brutal to myself and how looking back now, I lost so much of my life to worrying and obsessing about weight. And all I wanted to do was save her from that. but also tell her she was not alone.

I encouraged her to love her body, get awesome friends, write in her journal, have fun, eat red velvet cup cakes but do not, do not lose your youth to obsessing about weight. And people REALLY responded to that. I was floored and really, really touched. Especially because I had never told any of my friends about my weight struggles and all of the garbage that goes through my head about weight and body image... and I knew that might read that. but I didn't care.

And I think readers really respond to honesty and realness.

7. What's the most significant way that your life has changed in the last two years?

A year ago I fell down a hill, maybe 60, 70 feet. My head hit a retaining wall and I was knocked unconscious. The woman who found me called 911 and thought I was dead. I broke a bone in my arm, dislocated my shoulder, needed staples in my head, stitches in my elbow, a year of physical therapy, surgery and sustained a head injury.

That's what brought me back to the blog. That and hearing my cousin had brain cancer. I had taken a year and a half off the blog and my life was heading back to a "get under the covers again" state. Then those things happened. I realized I needed the life line that the adventure bowl and blogging brought me the first time around.

So that is the biggest change for me. How do you live your life after you've faced your mortality? Do you ignore it because it scared you? Or do you live by the promise you made to yourself, to live the best life ever because it was almost taken away. It sounds like an obvious answer but I still struggle with it.

8. What inspires you?

Readers comments inspire me. They make me cry, think, laugh. When they say I inspire them, I lose my mind. Because it seems unreal that I was in such a desperate place not so long ago. What also inspires me is the reminder I keep getting that life is fragile and short and meant to be lived.

9. What five words would you use to describe yourself?'

1) unconventional 2) searcher 3) sensitive 4) funny, oh, my god, i hope funny 5) persistent ( or trying to be)

10. What would you say to somebody going thru one of life's trials right now?

"You can get to the other side." If someone is really depressed and reading that, it will be meaningless. That's how tight depression's grip can be. So I would say - go take a shower, then walk five minutes in the sunshine, then buy yourself some flowers. Did you do that? okay, now listen to me. "You can get to the other side." It is REALLY REALLY hard work but it beats the hell out of staying in bed or staying on the side lines of life.

Journal, wrote all your sad scary feelings down. You have to get the feelings out to ever replace the hole with good things and feelings. Can you get therapy? GO. I went. It feels good to surrender. To have someone listen. To say you are not alone. it's not always going to be like this. here are some baby steps you can make to make your life feel better.

Reach out. tell a friend. Depression is the biggest secret women are keeping from each other. Depression is like this dirty word that no one talks about but almost all are feeling at one time or another, either on a small scale or a huge scale. You are not alone.

11. What are you most looking forward to in the future?

To me, I have discovered, through my cousin's death, my accident, my mother's and cousin's illness - the secret to life is HAPPINESS. Now the happiness is the hard work - you have to keep working at it. So that's what I am most looking forward to - being happy, laughing. Letting go of stress and worry and fear and things that do not matter and do not serve me. Specifically, I would like to travel, spend more time with my family and if I could, spread this message around more to people who need it.

12. Do you have a favorite quote?

I don't have a favorite quote, per say, but I saw this one the other day and posted it on my blog: "Kiss your life. Accept it, just as it is. Today. Now.
So that those moments of happiness you’re waiting
for don’t pass you by."

You know what? That's pretty good, I think that is my favorite quote.

Some Stuff About Me

Adventure Bowl Let's Kick Ass & Takes Names Later

UPDATE: Overwhelmed by all the comments and new readers. There are pics up on Facebook of this week's adventure which was GLORIOUS! I'll post about it this weekend. Love you guys!

If you can come up with a better title to this post, please leave it in the comment section. The winner will get some used perfume I don't want anymore. (Hmmm, you think everything here is so serious? Well, hold onto your Chuck Taylors.)

Okay, so a lot of readers wanted a list of some of the adventures that are in the bowl so you can an idea of what I'm up to.

I'm so excited that there are so many new readers (100 more people followed me on Twitter today). For the New-new, I wanted to say I'm doing one adventure a week as a way to keep the blues away & live life to the fullest. I got a jolt of a wake-up call when my Mom told me my cousin has brain cancer and had a tumor the size of a softball taken out of his head.

I started crying when she told me (and yes, I know this is a super selfish confession...) realized if I had been told the same news, I would not be proud of how I've lived my life so far.

I have not taken enough chances; I have been too afraid about finances; I have not had a back bone when I should have; I have kept too many secrets; I have not chased my dreams to my fullest (fear of failure, fear of success, fear of mediocrity); I have not traveled - always saying, "I'll do it later... after this big project"; I have not laughed enough; I have not loved enough, I have put a wall up way too far, I have not felt the full potential of my own JOY and it's my own fault.

I hold myself back.

I do these things... and it's not even conscious anymore.

I don't want to be this way anymore.

I am doing these weekly adventures because I think if we surprise ourselves, step out of our comfort zones, be spontaneous, confront fears, give ourselves JUST ONE HOUR to smile... then we will feel the reward. The spark. That little part of ourselves, that used to be a bigger part of ourselves, that gets smaller and smaller the more we work, and run errands, and cross things off our list and put every one else before ourselves.

So let's not do that anymore. That hasn't been working out quite so well for us, has it?

So here we go! Here's a small sample of what's in the bowl:

1) Ride a motorcycle BY MYSELF (I have always wanted to... I have to start going after things that I really want).

2) Learn pottery (I want to feel like a kid again, when things were simplier & smiles and laughter were never in short supply.)

3) Get pink hair (I stop myself from doing things because I worry to much what people think).

4) Show up at the airport with no plan and get on a plane (My biggest regret in life is that I am so scared of finances THAT I NEVER LET MYSELF GO! I need to believe in abundance and GO FOR IT).

5) Help change someone's life. (Someone swore I already did this but It's back in the bowl.)

6) Be in a roller derby. ('Cause it scares the shit out of me. Because I am tired of everything scaring the shit out of me. Since I dislocated my shoulder & broke my arm, I am waaaay to cautions. i want to be reckless.)

7) Kayak the Venice canals (Venice, California people. What? you think I'm made of money???? This ain't no "Eat Pray Love.")

8) Take a helicopter ride (How? Have 3 yard sales in order to fund this. See above, re: $ situation)

9) Curate an art show (I know so many creative people & friends that no one will give a break to. Someone gave a break to me. I want to give that back.)

10) Get "down there" waxed (Nope, never done it.)

11) Make out with a stranger (Self-explanatory).

12) Bring flowers to someone in the hospital. (Because when my Mom was in the hospital, when I was, I saw so many lonely people and it TAKES SO LITTLE to be kind to someone else.)

13) Go to "beer making" class (Joy, something new, something I can show my Dad. We don't bond over conversation, we bond over experiences.)

14) Follow a band I love from city to city. (Note to self: have 4th yard sale.) (This has been a dream of a life time. I grew up too fast, took on too much responsibility. Worked too hard. I want to go back and fix this one thing. I want to be a good example to my nephews.)

15) Make out with a stranger. (Yeah, I know... but c'mon.)

Of course there are a million more. Well, not a million. Want to know what they are? i guess you'll just have to come along for the ride.

Am I scared? Hell, yeah, I am. I cried laying this whole post down because I realized that I have... lost a lot of who I am. Someone, God or Budda or Elvis keeps giving me a direct sign to LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST and I keep fucking ignoring him/her. How many signs will I ignore? Ending up in the hospital with heart beating 3x as fast as it should and having it stopped and restarted - check! Having my cousin killed by a maniac - check! Falling down a hill, having a tramautic brain injury (docs words, not mine) & needing surgery - check! Hearing my cousin, a cancer researcher, might die from cancer?

Oh, no. Not ignoring that.

I don't think the post "You Can Get To The Other Side" would have gotten as huge a response if more people didn't feel like me. Feels good to not be alone. You're not alone either.

So who's up for some pink hair?

If you love this post, ReTweet it or Facebook it. It would mean a lot to me xoxoxoxo. (PS, if you post on FB, let me know so I can personally thank you!)

xoxoxoxo Let's get to the other side.

Adventure Bowl
Let's Kick Ass & Takes Names Later

You Can Get To The Other Side

When I started this blog is was because in a matter of months my cousin was murdered, I broke up with my boyfriend, I lost my job and my Mom... she lost her mind. Not the medical term for what happened but it will do.

I laid in bed for months. The loss of the job was somewhat of a relief since I was a comedy writer working on a TV show and I had now lost all ability to be funny. I could see my life that I knew disappearing before me. I was disappearing too. How could I ever emerge without being completely damaged? I didn't want to die but I knew this was not living.

Every one in the damn world said I should read "Eat Pray Love." "She's going through exactly what you're going through." Um, no she's not. She's getting divorced, my family's preparing for a trial.

But there was that damn book. Everywhere. In the airport on the way to the funeral. Women devouring it in a coffee shop, at cafes, in hotel bars. I realized what might be stopping me was my own stubbornness. I was in the mind set that things COULD NEVER GET BETTER. And I resented that anyone was going to to tell me I could get on the other side and make me pay $14.95 for it.

No, there was just this side. Imagine a nightmare where you are standing in quick sand as your drown in a tsunami of guilt, pain, anger, depression and hopelessness. Times it by 100. And I'm just the cousin. You can imagine how my surviving cousin and aunt and uncle felt. Times it by a 1000.

But that book, it was just so constantly in my face. And one say... I bought it. At Goodwill for 2 bucks. So score 1 for me, Elizabeth Gilbert, 0. I read it, I got it. I got why everyone loved it. It's hope between to card board covers.

But it would never work, not for me, not for most women. It sold what, 4 million copies? How many of those 4 million took a year and a half out of their jobs and left their families to travel to three countries to find themselves?

Now before you and your book club come and beat me with your Eat Pray Love hardcover, autographed editions, know this: I admired her. Because she got what most of us women feel - we are in a rut. We are bored, overwhelmed, over worked, over parenting. We've lost our spark. We've lost ourselves but we are too crazed to do anything about it. We have looked up and said, "How is this our lives?"

But most of all I admired her because SHE TOOK ACTION. I like that. She identified her problem and she decided to take time to fix it.

But it still made me feel empty. EMPTY. Is that the only solution? Will I only get over this despondent sadness by spending tens of thousands of dollars, leaving any possibility of work to travel the world? I mean, at this point, I can't even get out of bed.

But I took her example of TAKING ACTION. How can I get out of bed? Okay, what if I thought of one really fun thing I could do. Something I have never done before (paddle board, sing in a rock band, ride and elephant) things that I'd given up doing because "I'm an adult now" (get pink hair) and things that just scared the crap out of me (literally, THE CRAP) (jump out of an airplane, be in a roller derby).

Okay... okay, one fun thing a week. That will take what? Two hours and then I can go back to bed? Done. I'll do it.

Now, I "Eat Pray Love" without leaving my city, without leaving my job, without spending tens of thousands of dollars. I made a list of adventures. I put them on index cards, folded them up and put them in a bowl. Each week, I pull one having no idea if that day I'm crashing a Bat Mitzvah, taking a beer making class or learning how to surf.

And it is thrilling and exhilarating and life like I didn't know. Or I knew it but I had moved so far past that happy-go-lucky be spontaneous and love it girl, that I some how forgot. To live. This one life. That is so challenging. And there are so many times, I just want to do errands, or call the cable company and yell or cross one thing off my list BUT I DON'T.

I go. I pool crash. I ride Ferris wheels. I go to a sewing class.

Because it's beyond the adventure - IT'S WHAT I GET FROM IT. Strength, energy, confidence. If you take something you never thought you could do, for me it was trapeze lessons, you will FEEL so STRONG AND BOLD AND FEARLESS that the next time you are faced with something you have purported that you'd never be able to do - you know have the confidence that you can.

It's also put me on the other side of grief and sadness. It's made me feel happy again and positive and hopeful. And a month ago, when I felt like I was slipping back to the other side, I knew it was because I had slacked on the promise I made to myself to do an adventure once a week.

So here I am again. When I found out my cousin had brain cancer a month ago, I had a shocking revelation that had I been confronted with how I'd lived my life so far - I would not be happy. I would be disappointed that I had played it safe, worried to much, didn't take enough risks, didn't have enough fun.

I reinstated the adventures because I NEVER need to be where I was after my cousin died. I need to be over here. On the this side. The other side.

I'm hoping that in doing what I am doing, I will be in the happiest, most clear head and I can make a decision of a lifetime... to move to New York and start a new business. The fear is palpable. But the fear was possible when I climbed up the trapeze ladder... and stood on the platform... and had to grab onto that rope thing-y.

But then... I leaped.

AWESOME.

Come join me on the other side. Whether it's a break-up, divorce, loss of a job, illness or loss... you can get to the other side. I promise.

***

You Can Get To The Other Side

Adventure Bowl Do Something That Makes You Feel Like a Kid Again!

If you're life is busy and hectic with a list a mile long of errands, to do's and ASAPs, then you need a break. A JOY break.

When I found myself at my spiritual, emotional and exhaustion filled "bottom," I knew I had to do something about it. For me, I had a great motivator. It was coming up on my cousin's anniversary of death and I felt ashamed that instead of celebrating his life, instead of living the biggest fullest life that he would want me to live... I was stuck in bed, feeling lonely and alone. And hopeless.

So I pushed myself. One adventure a week. One thing to get me out of the house. One thing to help me find my joy.

It worked. As you know, I'm back at it again. And nothing makes me more excited than this week's adventure: "Do Something That Makes You Feel Like A Kid Again." Oh, man, I could think of a million!

Play Rundown, Swing on a swing, Blow Bubbles, go Ice Skating, Stand on my Skate Board and "surf" off the back of my friend's car. (But since I recently broke and had surgery on my shoulder... that will have to wait for another time!)

And then it came to me. I wanna ride a Ferris Wheel! I want to go way up high and feel thrilled and scared and laugh and eat cotton candy!

So it's on! I'm leaving right now and I CANNOT WAIT! When I pool crashed, I literally had this excited, "Nothing can stop me now" feeling that I'm getting already. It's that "kid excitement." I love that!

I'll update this post on Monday.

So, what's one thing YOU COULD DO this weekend that would make you feel like a kid again? Dying to hear :)


Ooo, and I know I can be a bad girl with infrequent postings, so please follow if you want to know when a new post is up!

Adventure Bowl
Do Something That Makes You Feel Like a Kid Again!

How Falling Down A Hill Has Rocked My World & Hopefully Will Change My Life

Do you believe in signs? I never did. But when I look back on the past several years, I can't believe how big and obvious some are, like a huge thunder clap warning me of impending doom.

Like, several years ago, I was experiencing this thing where my heart was beating, literally, 240 beats a minute when it should normally beat at 90. This would go on until I had to be hospitalized and they would have to stop my heart and then restart it. That is some bull shit when you are in your 20s.

I knew it was because I was in a high stress job that I deeply hated. It took me years to get up the courage to quit and take a job with a 75% pay cut to be a writer's assistant. I had to hear that my job was killing me before I quit.

When my cousin was murdered a few years ago, I had some of the most honest thoughts come to me. I'm not happy. I don't like where I live. I have my dream job but I can't help wondering if this is all there is to life?

You would think that would be the perfect time to make some big life changes but I couldn't. If my dreams can reveal anything about my state of mind, I will tell you, I would often dream that a huge wave was coming after me, I would turn to run but another wave was coming in the other direction. Sometimes, the waves were make of rocks. I would not only be knocked down but pushed and buried into the earth.

The fear and immobility in my dreams came to life by day, where I did nothing. Literally spending, 100 days (and really many more) in bed.

You guys know the story from there.

But here I am again with this big huge NEON LIGHT blinking at me, saying "It's time for a change, it's time to stop ignoring your gut, it's time for some action. You are not happy. What are you going to do to get there?"

It all started when I fell down a hill a year ago.

And fell and fell and fell and fell. Until the only thing to break my fall was a huge retaining wall. My head hit that and I was gone. Unconscious.

I am now 70 feet down a steep hill - no one can see me from the street. But a woman is walking her baby and she literally heard the fall and dialed 911.

She told them she thought I was dead.

There was blood everywhere. There was pain everywhere. I had dislocated my shoulder. The screaming started in the ambulance, the pain was so unbelieveable. Every bump on the road made me scream louder. I lost the ability to be polite or a good girl.

At the hospital, I was cut out of my shirt, I was told I could get a pain shot before they put my shoulder back in (which was going to hurt like a mother fucker) but it would take 5 - 7 minutes to kick it. "No," I cried, "Just do it." Just do it with no pain meds. I couldn't wait, I was dying.

More screaming. Then stitching, then head shaving, then staples in the head with no pain meds, then CTs, CAT scans, every scan you can imagine, IVs, pills, blood. Disaster.

I spent weeks in bed, in a giant brace unable to cook, wash myself, my hair (had a friend do that), or in any other way care for myself.

It was a really dark time. But in darkness, in stillness, that's when our guts are screaming to us out loud. All the little intuitive moments about what I should do with my life to make it better - you know what I used to do with those? Play the music louder, call friends, waste time on the internet, have a margarita and make it go away.

When you are unable to even get yourself out of a hospital gown... when you can't physically run from your situation, you can bet you can't escape it any other way either.

Which is why I am so frickin' grateful for that fall. I feel like it's going to change my life. It's a year later and I am several months out from surgery on my shoulder. More time in bed, more thinking, writing, weighing my life choices.

So now it's time to act.

I want to move to New York and start a whole new life.

But am I being rash? Am I, having always made no decisions because of fear, now going the opposite end of the spectrum? A reader, A Living Diary, commented: "I've discovered that moving doesn't help you escape yourself. You can't run from who you are. You need to first learn to love yourself the way you are right now and then figure out how to grow or change."

That was like a punch in the stomach, a shake by the shoulders into reality. What am I really doing? Running to a new life or just trying to run away from an old one?

That's why I am doing these adventures. When I did them last time, I was my happiest and I had so much clarity that I know if I do them again, I will find my best decision making self.

Can pool hopping or gay wedding crashing help me make a decision to uproot my life and move to New York to start anew?

Well, we'll just have to see now, won't we?

If you like this post, feel free to share it with others. A shoutout on Facebook or Twitter would make me so happy :)

How Falling Down A Hill Has Rocked My World & Hopefully Will Change My Life

Everything I Know About Depression, I Learned From Carrie Bradshaw

Apparently, "Sex & The City" is not just for learning about sex and fantastic shoes! Now in one viewing or less, you too can learn to have the most fabulous depression ever. Just buy a ticket and grab your popcorn, note pad and pen!

Don't have time? Okay, even more fun, let's compare and contrast Carrie Bradshaw's depression in the "SATC" movie to my own.

CARRIE: Gets depressed in a luxurious five star beach front hotel
ME: Gets depressed in a broke down, rent controlled apartment in L.A.

CARRIE: Gets under satiny, 700 thread count sheets to shut out the world
ME: Lays on a threadbare mattress with a sweaty, ten pound Chihuahua. Gave up making the bed six months ago

CARRIE: Takes to her bed in a gorgeous couture caftan
ME: Takes to bed in a hole-y t-shirt that wouldn't be suitable for washing floors

CARRIE: Her golden locks of glossy hair cascade around her, highlighting her despair
ME: My bed-head is 24 hours away from being dread locks

CARRIE: Takes off her thousand dollar sunglasses and stares at herself longingly in the mirror
ME: Please... a really depressed person knows, rule #1 of depression - NEVER LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR

CARRIE: Refuses to eat for days
ME: Alernates between a bag of Doritos or Cheetos as breakfast, lunch and dinner. Only shops at the depression girls' grocery store of choice - 7-11.


People, if depression were that fabulous, there would be no reason to get out of it. So, thank God mine wasn't :)



This blog is dedicated to healing margaritas.

Everything I Know About Depression, I Learned From Carrie Bradshaw

The High Price of Feeling Low

It's expensive to be depressed. You would think you would save a lot of money on going out, 'cause you never want to go anywhere or see anyone; groceries, 'cause a bag of chips from 7-11 will suffice for the day; hair cuts and colors, 'cause what's the point if you never go out; clothing, 'cause sweat pants will do; utilities, because laying in the dark and not showering are you're number 1 hobby.

But all that savings doesn't amount up to the high price of feeling low.

And I'm not talking about how relationships, in my case, were strained: with the boy I loved, the friends I have (you become a flake when you constantly cancel or never show up anywhere), you're productivity slows because you never have the energy to do anything and your ass gets fat because you simultaneously don't move and don't care what you eat.

I'm talking monetarily, the high price, the cash, the cabbage, the hundred dollar bills y'all. Money mistakes depressed people make because they have their heads buried under the covers. I know. I've been there.

This weekend, having seen Suze Orman on every book in the library and every TV show I seemed to turn on (PBS! Oprah! Larry King!), I took it as a sign that I really needed to deal with my finances.

There is money laying in a 401k that had never been invested. There is a broken phone from Sprint that had never been sent back so they changed me $179.00. There's two companies threatening collection, although I know I paid those bills (I swear I did!) although I have not wanted to deal with calling my bank for the cancelled checks. How about those receipts that if I don't send into my insurance, I won't be reimbursed for? How about that free plane ticket I found that had expired because it was not prpoperly filed away?

It's all haunting me, day and night but the more I think about it, the more I want to crawl under the cozy covers with my fluffy Chihuahua and escape the choking OVER-WHELM-ED-NESS of it all.

I'm trying to shift my thinking. All this money, it adds up to like, a free vacation. Would I give up a free vacation? Would I give up two months rent?

Come on, BE A GROWN UP!
But I don't want to be.
It's so cute you think you have a choice.

The problem with me is I am an ALL or NOTHING girl. I want to handle all of this in one day or NEVER AT ALL. I think the thing with us recovering depress-ties and those of you with serious cases of Over-whelm-ed-ness and Stress-ful-itis is we have to make up realistic goals. Small goals.

Could I do two things a day? If I did two things a day, eight things would be done by Friday. It would reinforce to me, that it's not so hard to do it that way. I have this cute pink folder with a Hawaiian flower on it. I'm going to call it my TWO A DAY FOLDER.

Every thing that needs to be done will be filed on the left and the two things I'm gonna do that day will filed be on the right.

And all the money I save, will go into a little vacation account I'm going to start. And that will be the first thing I'm gonna do.

The High Price of Feeling Low

Depression Confession #2

This is why I'm a really Bad Person. Because I am weak. Because I email Bad Old Boyfriends.

I don't quite know what sent me in the direction, but I suspect it was alcohol and access to a computer. It happened in Kauai. It was just so beautiful and magical and every where you looked was another INSANELY IN LOVE couple holding hands, gazing lovingly at each other, kissing each other tenderly. I WANTED TO GOUGE MY EYES OUT I WAS SO DAMN JEALOUS.

And I was feeling lonely and missing, not just him, but the IDEA OF ANYBODY. And I had had 2 glasses of wine, 1 and a half Mai Tais and two beers. And had access to a computer. So I tickeled the keys and wrote that kind of email you write when you want to SEEM ALL UPBEAT, HAPPY, MYSTERIOUSLY ON VACATION AND LIFE COULD NOT BE BETTER & I AM IMPLYING, BUT NOT OUTRIGHT SAYING, "You should be soooooo missing me. Yeah! You should."

Of course, within minutes, he shot an email back to me. AND I LIKED IT. I liked it because it made me feel powerful and desirable and miss-able. All things I had NEVER felt in the relationship. (Yeah, I pick real winners, ladies.) I knew it was not because I WAS SO GREAT but because I AM A GREAT DISTRACTION.

I was his and he was mine. When we were together, we were in THE FUN ZONE. If we stepped out of The Fun Zone (deep talking, getting to know each other on "another level," tell me your deep, dark secrets, etc.), HE RESISTED, I PERSISTED, then fighting (us), crying (me), silence (him).

I have come so far in digging myself out of the DEPRESSION HOLE (there's only like 32 more feet to go and I can finally see daylight) that I don't know WHY I would do this (especially with someone that treated me so yuck-ily.)

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

It wasn't just the Mai Tais, I know there is some bigger meaning there and I have to figure it out so I don't do it again. Give me a day or two. I am also open to any theories you have or chastising you want to give.

Depression Confession #2

Oh, My God! You're So Fat! Congratulations!

I wish someone said that to me. I mean, of course, I would go running into the next room and probably burst into tears and then need to eat three candy bars and a Xanax to feel better. But I wish someone said that to me. Four or five years ago, I lost a lot of weight, maybe sixty pounds. People would see me and exclaim, "Oh, my God, you got so skinny." "Look, at you, you're like half a person." (Really?) My point is, when someone loses weight, everyone has something to say about it. But when we gain it, we just get the "quick up and down" glance and a tight smile.

Two years ago, my cousin passed away... then I lost my job... oh, and my boyfriend and I broke up, then my Mom got sick. I didn't so much start eating everything in sight as I took to my bed and I just stopped moving. Except FOR MY ASS, that was moving, GETTING BIGGER EVERY DAY. But no one said anything. I guess it's not really polite to say, "What's that noise? Oh, it's your thighs rubbing together!" But I wish it was... I mean, I'm a sensitive gal and I would never want to hurt a friend's feelings but if I see one of my friend's ass spread like mine did, or if I start to notice she only has one outfit and it's sweatpants (AND REMEMBER, SWEAT PANTS ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND), I'm going to say something. I'm going ask if they are okay.

I'm going to have my pockets stuffed with Hershey kisses and Xanax and approach that tough conversation, "I couldn't help but notice, that you have a double chin and a muffin top is dangerously peeking over your pants, wanna talk?" Because sometimes fat is a sign of something bigger... of someone who can't express they need a helping hand. So be that hand, all you can do is get yelled at. But I would rather be yelled at than thinking one of my friends was suffering and I didn't even approach them with Xanax and candy and a ear to listen.

Oh, My God! You're So Fat! Congratulations!

Depression Confession

You know what totally stinks? Figuring out you're not perfect. See, I had this whole idea that if I started this journey of digging myself out from underneath a landslide of grief, sadness, over-whelm-ed-ness (yes, I make up words) and lost-ed-ness, I would immdiately get a job, lose 30 pounds, never eat another bad thing for me, run 18 miles a day and meet a great guy. "When you name it, you claim it." So there I was in my apartment, day five into doing anything and everything I can to get out of this damn funk and... I was still chunky. No guy knocked at my door. I ate garlic bread... a lot of it. There might of been chocolate too, but that memory is unclear - DUE TO ALL THE WINE I DRANK. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Oh, yeah... I'm not perfect.

Everytime I set myself up for perfection, I fail, beat myself up and where does that lead... THAT LEADS TO BED. And not in a sexy way.

I had the best example for perfection growing up. My Mom. She held down a full time job, went to Church twice a week, did everything in the house that needed to be done, volunteered endlessly (she used to take a blind woman for ice skating lessons - can you spell SAINT?) She could be freaking out at us for something we didn't do two seconds before we walked into a party but the second we walked through the door, the pagent smile came on, then the wave. It was like she flipped a switch, "EVERY THING IN MY LIFE IS PERFECT." But it wasn't perfect. She lost her own Mom to cancer at 19, my Dad had spent at least 20 years of my life sick - he had a heart transplant and years later a kidney transplant, my cousin Michael died when I was fourteen and David died just two years ago. But she was perfect. I can't remember her crying through any of it.

But that didn't last for long. My mother... and I'm really not trying to be flip here... literally, blew a gasket in December. All that perfect, all that stored up, pent up emotion exploded just days after Christmas. We took her to the hospital. We debated committing her. She was babbling all her family secrets because in her nervous breakdown state, there was no edit button. I said to my sister after: "She has spent our whole lives keeping all that in. And now, in ten minutes... it's out." Amazing. It made me sad to know she has been holding down the pain all along, all alone.

So here I am. I'm not perfect. And I AM TRYING SO HARD TO GET TO A PLACE WHERE I'M OKAY ABOUT THAT. If I harness all the time I try to be perfect and x (times it) by the time I beat myself up for not being perfect, that equals A LOT OF TIME where I could be doing something sooooo much better. Like blogging. Like reading the sweet replies people send me to let me know they are digging my journey. Ooo, and for cup cakes. Okay, maybe not cup cakes... a bath. A bath with no negative, beat-me-up dialogue going through my head. Because hey, I'm not perfect so why would I waste my time on that?

Depression Confession