Finally Arrived in NYC!

"Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams."

Ashley Smith

Cooper & Ruby enjoy the view and can't wait until their Mom gets a new camera...

What a crazy trip, two dogs, three huge suitcases but I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER.  Walked Brooklyn Bridget Park and sighed, "Why didn't I do this before?"

But no regrets.  I don't have internet yet but ducked into a cafe to say hi!

Here are some photos - I'll have a digital camera in a few days!

ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!

Finally Arrived in NYC!

Guess Who's Moving To NYC?

Me!

I guess these adventures do work.   This was the question I asked my self months ago:  "Could I do little dares, adventures... and THAT putting me in my most happy frame of mind, make the scariest decision of my life - to leave the comfort of Los Angeles for the ultimate adventure - a move to New York City.

The answer is YES.

I just booked my ticket this past Tuesday.

I leave this Tuesday.

Can you believe it?  I hardly can. :)  Yet, I feel so insanely happy, excited, peaceful, certain, hopeful, ready, surprised by my spontanaity.

I keep hearing, "Yes, yes, yes!"

I know I owe you all a blog that explains how this all came to be.

It will be up on Wednesday - it's 24/7 packing until Tuesday!  

I'm sorry I have been so absent but I love you all and I am going to get a digital camera so I can share my new life in New York with you :)

Yes.  Yes.  Yes.

****

Guess Who's Moving To NYC?

Adventure Bowl Do Something In L.A. You Have Never Done Before

I was super psyched when I picked this adventure. Mostly because two posts ago, I talked about many of the adventures that were in the bowl, and while readers were inspired by them, many mentioned that getting pink hair or riding in a helicopter was not going to happen no-way, no-how, due to their finances.

People, I'm with you. In fact, you can't believe the amount of stuff that's being sold on Craigslist, ebay & soon... a yard sale to feed my adventure-ness. But yes, we also need some that are free or next-to-free. That's why "Do Something in LA You Have Never Done. No planning. JUST GO" got me all tingly. 'Cuz I knew I could have a ball and not empty out my wallet.

All of my adventures have a purpose. The purpose of this one? I WANT TO BE MORE SPONTANEOUS - hence the "No planning. Just go" clause of the adventure. I want to not be intimidated by places... "Oh, I can't go there. It's too fancy, too exclusive, it's too far away."

If I let my brain get into "excuse mode," I will have talked myself, not only OUT of the adventure, but INTO takeout Chinese and a "CSI" repeat.

Puh-lease.

I'm working really hard at shutting down the nega-tiva of my brain. So I pick this adventure and hop into my Jeep. I never know where I am going to end up so I always take my fake Louis Vuitton bag that I bought for 16 bucks. I feel like it will get me in anywhere I want to go. Well, that and a little swagger walk.

In the bag goes a wallet, a bathing suit, sunscreen, a sweater and a wine opener. I feel like adventures are more fun with wine. A quick pop into 7-11, now I have 2 bottles of my favorite wine "Bearflag" white. Have you tried it? It's sublime. Light & delicious & now I don't need my wine opener 'cause it's a screw top.

By now, I know where I want to go. To Yamashiro restaurant. Have you ever heard of it? I've been told it's the most beautiful spot in Los Angeles because it's built 250 feet above Hollywood Blvd. so it has the most magical views of the city. But a place like this is intimidating because it's exclusive, a celebrity stop and a bit posh. That feeling of "you wouldn't fit in here" has kept me from going all these years. That and the $30 entrees.

But now I'm determined to sneak up there and drink wine on the grounds and soak in the view. With two bottles of wine, I can call in reinforcements to join me - good friends who will definitely join me on the adventure, once I've scoured things out and made sure it's safe.

I drive up the forever winding driveway of the restaurant and notice a sign for a Farmer's Market. It's actually taking place that night on a section of the grounds. This is awesome because my friend told me the gardens of Yamashiro are impossible to get into.

The Farmer's Market is not huge but there are tables there. I pluck down at one and call three friends. "Get over here and bring a wine glass." I'm currently sneaking my Bearflag white into a paper gelato container but I'll bust out the bottle on the table if my friends bring wine glasses.

Soon, my best-ies show up, each perplexed as to why they were summoned to Yamashiro with their own wine glass. By now I'm buzzed and I pull my two wine bottles out onto the table. No hesitation, not even with the wine booth selling by the glass wine, two feet over. Hey, they're not selling my favorite wine so technically, they forced me to do this.

Lots of laughter and silliness and "Why haven't we EVER been up here before?" I think we all felt the same way... it was just too intimidating. Too expensive. To out of reach. We don't own outfits for this! So I was excited that I got everybody over there. The sunset was the most magical thing I have ever seen. Sigh. Another adventure done.

The total for the night? $2 for valet. $20 for wine (but every one chipped in, so let's say really $5) and a split of a $10 glass of wine from the restaurant so an amazing adventure was had for $12.

If you live in LA, you must go. If you live anywhere else, you need to go to the place everyone is always telling you to go. Stop holding back, putting it off, waiting until a special birthday or anniversary. The time to adventure, to do something you really want to do, to be daring is NOW.

A few days later, I got the compliment of my life. A friend of a friend who heard the Yamashiro adventure story turned to me and said, "I just love hearing stories about you. You sound like so much fun."

SWOON STATUS.

All I could think of was, yes, that's how I want to be seen. If I am seen that way, I will see myself that way. If I see myself that way - I WILL BE THAT WAY.

Happy-go-lucky, sneaky sneaky wine smuggling girl, surrounded by all her friends laughing and enjoying the sunset will just be ingrained in my heart. Part of my DNA, racking up more memories of fun until the fun smothers the memories of me curled up in bed and a little lost to the world.

That sounds like a good plan.

(And yes, I know I need photos to capture these adventures. We need a sponsor so we can get some iPhone money, m'kay? Until then, I have to rely on the kindness of strangers and/or the internet.)

Adventure Bowl
Do Something In L.A. You Have Never Done Before

Adventure Bowl Let's Kick Ass & Takes Names Later

UPDATE: Overwhelmed by all the comments and new readers. There are pics up on Facebook of this week's adventure which was GLORIOUS! I'll post about it this weekend. Love you guys!

If you can come up with a better title to this post, please leave it in the comment section. The winner will get some used perfume I don't want anymore. (Hmmm, you think everything here is so serious? Well, hold onto your Chuck Taylors.)

Okay, so a lot of readers wanted a list of some of the adventures that are in the bowl so you can an idea of what I'm up to.

I'm so excited that there are so many new readers (100 more people followed me on Twitter today). For the New-new, I wanted to say I'm doing one adventure a week as a way to keep the blues away & live life to the fullest. I got a jolt of a wake-up call when my Mom told me my cousin has brain cancer and had a tumor the size of a softball taken out of his head.

I started crying when she told me (and yes, I know this is a super selfish confession...) realized if I had been told the same news, I would not be proud of how I've lived my life so far.

I have not taken enough chances; I have been too afraid about finances; I have not had a back bone when I should have; I have kept too many secrets; I have not chased my dreams to my fullest (fear of failure, fear of success, fear of mediocrity); I have not traveled - always saying, "I'll do it later... after this big project"; I have not laughed enough; I have not loved enough, I have put a wall up way too far, I have not felt the full potential of my own JOY and it's my own fault.

I hold myself back.

I do these things... and it's not even conscious anymore.

I don't want to be this way anymore.

I am doing these weekly adventures because I think if we surprise ourselves, step out of our comfort zones, be spontaneous, confront fears, give ourselves JUST ONE HOUR to smile... then we will feel the reward. The spark. That little part of ourselves, that used to be a bigger part of ourselves, that gets smaller and smaller the more we work, and run errands, and cross things off our list and put every one else before ourselves.

So let's not do that anymore. That hasn't been working out quite so well for us, has it?

So here we go! Here's a small sample of what's in the bowl:

1) Ride a motorcycle BY MYSELF (I have always wanted to... I have to start going after things that I really want).

2) Learn pottery (I want to feel like a kid again, when things were simplier & smiles and laughter were never in short supply.)

3) Get pink hair (I stop myself from doing things because I worry to much what people think).

4) Show up at the airport with no plan and get on a plane (My biggest regret in life is that I am so scared of finances THAT I NEVER LET MYSELF GO! I need to believe in abundance and GO FOR IT).

5) Help change someone's life. (Someone swore I already did this but It's back in the bowl.)

6) Be in a roller derby. ('Cause it scares the shit out of me. Because I am tired of everything scaring the shit out of me. Since I dislocated my shoulder & broke my arm, I am waaaay to cautions. i want to be reckless.)

7) Kayak the Venice canals (Venice, California people. What? you think I'm made of money???? This ain't no "Eat Pray Love.")

8) Take a helicopter ride (How? Have 3 yard sales in order to fund this. See above, re: $ situation)

9) Curate an art show (I know so many creative people & friends that no one will give a break to. Someone gave a break to me. I want to give that back.)

10) Get "down there" waxed (Nope, never done it.)

11) Make out with a stranger (Self-explanatory).

12) Bring flowers to someone in the hospital. (Because when my Mom was in the hospital, when I was, I saw so many lonely people and it TAKES SO LITTLE to be kind to someone else.)

13) Go to "beer making" class (Joy, something new, something I can show my Dad. We don't bond over conversation, we bond over experiences.)

14) Follow a band I love from city to city. (Note to self: have 4th yard sale.) (This has been a dream of a life time. I grew up too fast, took on too much responsibility. Worked too hard. I want to go back and fix this one thing. I want to be a good example to my nephews.)

15) Make out with a stranger. (Yeah, I know... but c'mon.)

Of course there are a million more. Well, not a million. Want to know what they are? i guess you'll just have to come along for the ride.

Am I scared? Hell, yeah, I am. I cried laying this whole post down because I realized that I have... lost a lot of who I am. Someone, God or Budda or Elvis keeps giving me a direct sign to LIVE MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST and I keep fucking ignoring him/her. How many signs will I ignore? Ending up in the hospital with heart beating 3x as fast as it should and having it stopped and restarted - check! Having my cousin killed by a maniac - check! Falling down a hill, having a tramautic brain injury (docs words, not mine) & needing surgery - check! Hearing my cousin, a cancer researcher, might die from cancer?

Oh, no. Not ignoring that.

I don't think the post "You Can Get To The Other Side" would have gotten as huge a response if more people didn't feel like me. Feels good to not be alone. You're not alone either.

So who's up for some pink hair?

If you love this post, ReTweet it or Facebook it. It would mean a lot to me xoxoxoxo. (PS, if you post on FB, let me know so I can personally thank you!)

xoxoxoxo Let's get to the other side.

Adventure Bowl
Let's Kick Ass & Takes Names Later

The Insane Ramblings of a Tequila Filled Nut

I LOVE how profound I think I am when I have too many margaritas. Margaritas are you see, my truth serum. So I had many... many for me Saturday night and I wrote kind of, what seemed to me the most truthful, insightful, meaningful post of A LIFETIME.

Then the next day with out reading it, I took it down - mostly, I was too afraid I had been too honest about some aspects of my life. But reading it today, I see it really should have been taken down for self-indulgent navel gazing and bad grammar.

The gist was... that after experiencing this giant fall, of which I have been told by many doctors, that I am lucky to be alive and even more doctors, that I am lucky to not be paralyzed - after all that, why am I not like, traveling the world, having bikini waxes in Brazil, my hair braided in Costa Rica and laying out on Diddy's yacht in the Seychelles?

How many more life changing moments do I need in life to move, move, move?

Here's an excerpt of what I wrote where I'm frustrated that I am trying to convey to friends that I feel like something is missing but no one, perhaps because of their fears of their own lives, wants to engage in any kind of deep meaningful conversation.

"I am frustrated because I feel like I am reaching out to friends to say, I can't stand this way of life... I'm in on the secret, IT COULD END AT ANY TIME and yet -- they just smile politely as if they don't know what I am talking about. As if I am having a tantrum and if they just ignore me it will all blow over.

Is anyone getting what I'm feeling? I feel really alone, like I want to BUST OUT but there is no support, like to be my own, STEAD FAST, DETERMINED person. It would not be supported AND the fact that I might be alone pursuing this new life... makes me afraid.

Is anyone getting what I'm feeling?

There's more to write. The short version is, as I have been telling friends, I want to quit my job and move and try to live the life I would live if I weren't so afraid - I AM GETTING SOOOOO MUCH RESISTANCE to that. And it's making me feel resentful but it's also working because it is nagging at my deepest insecurities.

So I will leave you with that and I will write more soon.

But I'd be interested to know, do you ever feel like friends hold you back? Because of their own fears? Or is it jealously that you might make your life better while they are not ready too?

Share!

PS, some of you asked me to add a "Follow" button so you wouldn't miss any more drunken rants! Please follow!

The Insane Ramblings of a Tequila Filled Nut

How Falling Down A Hill Has Rocked My World & Hopefully Will Change My Life

Do you believe in signs? I never did. But when I look back on the past several years, I can't believe how big and obvious some are, like a huge thunder clap warning me of impending doom.

Like, several years ago, I was experiencing this thing where my heart was beating, literally, 240 beats a minute when it should normally beat at 90. This would go on until I had to be hospitalized and they would have to stop my heart and then restart it. That is some bull shit when you are in your 20s.

I knew it was because I was in a high stress job that I deeply hated. It took me years to get up the courage to quit and take a job with a 75% pay cut to be a writer's assistant. I had to hear that my job was killing me before I quit.

When my cousin was murdered a few years ago, I had some of the most honest thoughts come to me. I'm not happy. I don't like where I live. I have my dream job but I can't help wondering if this is all there is to life?

You would think that would be the perfect time to make some big life changes but I couldn't. If my dreams can reveal anything about my state of mind, I will tell you, I would often dream that a huge wave was coming after me, I would turn to run but another wave was coming in the other direction. Sometimes, the waves were make of rocks. I would not only be knocked down but pushed and buried into the earth.

The fear and immobility in my dreams came to life by day, where I did nothing. Literally spending, 100 days (and really many more) in bed.

You guys know the story from there.

But here I am again with this big huge NEON LIGHT blinking at me, saying "It's time for a change, it's time to stop ignoring your gut, it's time for some action. You are not happy. What are you going to do to get there?"

It all started when I fell down a hill a year ago.

And fell and fell and fell and fell. Until the only thing to break my fall was a huge retaining wall. My head hit that and I was gone. Unconscious.

I am now 70 feet down a steep hill - no one can see me from the street. But a woman is walking her baby and she literally heard the fall and dialed 911.

She told them she thought I was dead.

There was blood everywhere. There was pain everywhere. I had dislocated my shoulder. The screaming started in the ambulance, the pain was so unbelieveable. Every bump on the road made me scream louder. I lost the ability to be polite or a good girl.

At the hospital, I was cut out of my shirt, I was told I could get a pain shot before they put my shoulder back in (which was going to hurt like a mother fucker) but it would take 5 - 7 minutes to kick it. "No," I cried, "Just do it." Just do it with no pain meds. I couldn't wait, I was dying.

More screaming. Then stitching, then head shaving, then staples in the head with no pain meds, then CTs, CAT scans, every scan you can imagine, IVs, pills, blood. Disaster.

I spent weeks in bed, in a giant brace unable to cook, wash myself, my hair (had a friend do that), or in any other way care for myself.

It was a really dark time. But in darkness, in stillness, that's when our guts are screaming to us out loud. All the little intuitive moments about what I should do with my life to make it better - you know what I used to do with those? Play the music louder, call friends, waste time on the internet, have a margarita and make it go away.

When you are unable to even get yourself out of a hospital gown... when you can't physically run from your situation, you can bet you can't escape it any other way either.

Which is why I am so frickin' grateful for that fall. I feel like it's going to change my life. It's a year later and I am several months out from surgery on my shoulder. More time in bed, more thinking, writing, weighing my life choices.

So now it's time to act.

I want to move to New York and start a whole new life.

But am I being rash? Am I, having always made no decisions because of fear, now going the opposite end of the spectrum? A reader, A Living Diary, commented: "I've discovered that moving doesn't help you escape yourself. You can't run from who you are. You need to first learn to love yourself the way you are right now and then figure out how to grow or change."

That was like a punch in the stomach, a shake by the shoulders into reality. What am I really doing? Running to a new life or just trying to run away from an old one?

That's why I am doing these adventures. When I did them last time, I was my happiest and I had so much clarity that I know if I do them again, I will find my best decision making self.

Can pool hopping or gay wedding crashing help me make a decision to uproot my life and move to New York to start anew?

Well, we'll just have to see now, won't we?

If you like this post, feel free to share it with others. A shoutout on Facebook or Twitter would make me so happy :)

How Falling Down A Hill Has Rocked My World & Hopefully Will Change My Life

Introducing the Most Selfish Person in the World or "How I Was Told My Cousin Has Brain Cancer & All I Could Think About Was Me"

I'm back you guys. Remember me? The girl who within six months, lost her job, broke up with her boyfriend, lost a cousin in an accident and Mom went bat shit crazy bananas.

Yeah, that's me.

The one who got under the covers of her cozy bed and did not get out for a looooooooooong time. Who, once she did and decided to face the holy mess of her life and SWORE, once she was out of the many months... okay, year, funk she was in, would never, ever, never, never go back?

Still me?

So why does my life suck so bad?

And why am I talking about myself in third person?

The regular readers know I started this blog because I swore I would not meet another year anniversary of the death of my cousin without doing something about it. The "it" was getting out of bed. I was so down - as a lot of women get after a break-up, a divorce, losing a job - that I had succumed to the covers, laying here, stairing down the abyss that was my life.

It became so overwhelming, all those bad things - happening at once - that I didn't know what to do.

So I did nothing.

If you're new, you can read the posts here that document how I got out of that. Once I couldn't take it anymore, once I had grown hair on my legs that I could braid, and grew a second ass (getting out of bed to pee is not exercise), and many months of roots were showing, and I missed the sunshine and I missed the old me and I knew if my cousin, mother, ex, anyone, saw me this way that I would be even more deeply ashamed...

I came up with a plan.

One day a week, do something totally fun. Completely exciting. That would make me giggle and feel reckless, and get me out of my comfort zone and get back to the me that was the me before everything came crashing down.

I would pool crash, I would steal from the dessert station from the Four Seasons, I would test drive a Porsche, I would sky dive, I would rock repel, I would crowd surf at a concert.

Week after week, I pulled one thing out of my "Adventure Bowl" and I did it - no turning back, no being to scared, no "I'll just pick something else."

It changed my life.

I got out of bed.

I came back to myself. My life massively improved.

Massively.

Everything was chugging along great. But it was so great that I didn't have to possibly do these adventures anymore. Right? My life was full now. Great job, friends, great everything.

The Bowl gathered dust.

I got cocky.

Like when you lose ten pounds because you exercised and ate five servings of vegetables everyday just like a good American following that food pyramid and all of a sudden, you start to slip and slide and soon, you are not packing lunch anymore and "I guess I could have a few fries" and why have a diet soda when you could have beer and pretty soon a sensible breakfast isn't egg whites but a cheese and onion bagel with cream cheese.

(Which is currently what I am eating right now. And even the server didn't get it. Why would I want cream cheese when I'm already eating a cheese bagel? Skinny people don't understand me.)

Anyway, I slipped and then I slided.

And then one day, I found myself at the bottom of a hill, bloodied and unconscious, after a fall. Being lifted out by fire men. And after being bedridden for over a month, I wondered, maybe if I didn't give up those adventures and maybe if I had stayed connected to myself, maybe I would know how to deal with a life blow like this.

Only I didn't.


To Be Continued in the Next Post...

I promise to update this story tomorrow - with full details about how I fell down a hill, broke my shoulder, found out my cousin has brain cancer and my Mom got sick again and how I am going to rededicate myself to the big ol' Bowl of Adventure and get my life back on track again.

Introducing the Most Selfish Person in the World or "How I Was Told My Cousin Has Brain Cancer & All I Could Think About Was Me"

Reading This Blog Post Will Take Unsightly Inches Off Your Hips and Thighs

Thanks for all the well wishes when I was sick. (I'm convinced it was "Pigeon Flu" due to the filthy feathered family that has burrowed it's way into my roof. Feathers are coming out of the ceiling fan, people!)

Anyway, it really meant a lot. It made me think about how when I started this blog, my biggest goal was to GET OUT OF BED and here I was, super sick, stuck in bed.

But what was cool is... I didn't have any of those weird fears, like this time spent in bed sick was going to lead back to the time where I couldn't get out of bed due to, in six months, losing my job, breaking up with my boyfriend, a death in the family, having to move back home when my Mom got sick, freaking out about finances and growing a second ass due to my affinity for eating all things Frito-Lay during my malaise.

That made me think how far I've come: to someone, who just over a year ago who literally had to make a pact with myself to get out of bed during daylight hours, and as a way to slough off the blues, forced myself to do an adventure a week would jolt me back to living life the way I knew I wanted to. (Check out any of the entries that start with "Adventure Bowl" to read those.)

Now fast forward and everything I hoped test driving a Porsche or flying on a trapeze or posing as a bride for the free cake (!) or pool crashing would do for me, has done that and 1000x more. I lost 20 pounds, I gained an awesome job... like dream job status, I ended some (bad) friendships, I made some new fierce ones, I try new things all the time, I started some great volunteer work and most of all, I don't wear pajamas 'til 3pm anymore.

This is like, a life, I could have never seen a year ago for myself.

So I am going to continue doing what I've been doing, carving out time for me to surprise myself with something that ("cheesey" alert) gives back to my soul. It's weird, but I am telling you, if you go ride a ferris wheel today, you will be smiling for week.

Giving time to yourself, doing unexpected things - you will be shocked what it can do for you.

Fears will be overcome.

You will let go of things that don't matter.

You will laugh more which will attract good, fun, caring, loving people wanting to be around you.

You will stop complaining because the happier you are the less you complain. Also, the happier you are, the more you want to stay happy. So you become solution oriented. You fix problems as they come up because you don't want them to interfere with your happiness.

You get rid of things you don't need. Possessions don't make you happy, the life you create does.

You begin to see people more clearly. That's a hard one. But it will force your hand to see who can stay and who has to go.

You start to feel if you can do this (your little adventure of the week) maybe you can do anything. When you set goals and attain them, it pushes you on with confidence to make new, bigger goals.

So, what am I saying?

I'm saying, yes, I am still going to do my weekly adventures and I'm still going to write about them. It excites me (dork-ily) BEYOND WORDS, if this can be the change in a year with me, how much more can I change? (Exciting!) But right now, the biggest way to get back to myself is to take some time for myself. Time to write other projects I want to write, time to travel and do things that I haven't had space for because I have been so busy with the blog.

I'll keep checking back here. I always read comments and I promise to respond if you guys have questions or anything. And I promise, in the future, there will be a new blog, too. It has meant so much to me that so many of you have written me to say you relate to what I went through and have been inspired by my journey. Love, love, love you.

Okay, why aren't you running out to go ride a ferris wheel right now????


This post is dedicated to BEAUTIFUL READERS. You're the ones I like best.

Reading This Blog Post Will Take Unsightly Inches Off Your Hips and Thighs

Matthew

Matthew is my cousin David's younger brother. Now Matthew is an only child after David was taken away from us by a raving lunatic who somehow slipped through the system and was let out of the crazy hospital too soon only to score some crystal meth and decide that that night he would really like to kill someone.

When I see Matthew, who we now call Matty, who is our baby, who walks on water, who we pay for everything when he is around to somewhat make up for having his brother be murdered, my heart kind of breaks and I always feel very emotional after.

It's because he is wise and smart and sensitive and forgiving and loving and commpassionate and has forgiven his brother's killer and is easy to make laugh AND he is LIV-LIV-LIVING. How easy it would be, to be the opposite of all these things.

He is touring with his band. After his brother died, I think he got the sense that, anything can happen at anytime, we are all so... unsafe from having our lives ripped out from underneath us all. I think he thought, "I'd rather have my life ripped out from underneath me living my dream and playing my guitar than stuck in a cubicle banging on a computer keyboard."

So he is touring in L.A. E, my sister came to town to see him. They are like new best friends, closer in age than Matty and I, yet their is this fierceness to E, fiercely protective and loving of him and I think if someone hurt him, they would have to deal with her and that would not be pretty.

He said to us this morning, "You guys treat me like I'm a baby." Yes, we do and we will. We don't want you to suffer or worry or want for anything ever again. No one can hurt you if we are here. Did you see the brick wall we built around you? No one can get to you without getting through us.

Then he talked about driving all over the U.S. of A., in a van, with his friends and he said, "It's amazing how kind everyone is, people are so friendly and nice. I needed to see that of humanity, it's very healing for me." I know he's speaking of David's murder, it's in the room again, which is always firsts jars me and then comforts me. He knows he is safe. He can talk about anything with us.

We kind of, me, he and E, took a drunken pact one night that we would not be like the generation before us, keeping secrets and telling lies and holding all the pain is. Matty said that night, "I feel like I lost my brother but I got three sisters in return."

He is a good boy. He says, "I love you" on the phone and he says "I love you" instead good-bye. Sometimes, I think he's the strongest one of all of us.

Matthew

Hello World!

It's just been a few days since I saw an ex-love staring back at me on TV. Oh, wait, he wasn't staring back at me, he was staring at his new beautiful bride as she walked down the aisle. Ouch! (This is our new techno world, ladies, and yes, we might just have to watch the exes we worked so hard to forget, on TV. And let me tell you, it ain't pretty.) What's weird is, as I sat, riveted, watching this documentary (only getting up during commercial breaks to ravage my fridge, "Why is there no liquor in this house!"), I had the oddest feeling of... not being jealous. The overwhelming thought I had was, "They are such a perfect couple. Why did I fight so hard to be with him? Why did I cry so hard when it was over? Why did I waste one hundred days in bed?" After all, they were meant to be and we were not. But now I want my hundred days back.

I pulled out all my journals and found this wasn't the first time nor the last I wasted a hundred days in bed.

In fact, I must confess, I'm in bed now. And that's where I spent yesterday and the day before. As I turn back the pages of my journal, I realize I'm here again, living the opposite of how I want to live my life: I'm living it in bed.

When I'm sad it's there, depressed it's there. When I want to escape and hide, it's there. The thing I've come to realize is NO ONE IS GOING TO GIVE ME THIS TIME BACK. And also THIS IS NOT HOW I EXPECTED MY LIFE TO BE.

Two years ago, I had everything a girl could dream of: An awesome, creative, high paying job (I was a sitcom writer!), I had a great, fun, loving boyfriend, I was thin (sorry, girls, hate to be a cliche, but I was rockin' the skinny jeans), I had just bought my first house and my family was healthy-happy. Then, my world fell apart. My cousin was killed, I lost my job, my boyfriend and I broke up and the house... well, someone else rents that now so I can keep up my mortgage payment. Oh, and did I mention my mother had a nervous breakdown at Christmas? So that would be a "no" on the healthy-happy family.

Excuse me, I have to go lay down in bed.

Wait... NO I WON'T LIE DOWN! See, that's the whole point of my blog. I'm going to journal myself... well, back to my old self. I don't want to be sad and depressed anymore. I don't want my first instinct to be to run to my bed to throw the covers over my head because do you know where that gets me? Just to TOMORROW. Which means, I didn't LIVE yesterday. I just existed. Under the coveres. I don't just want to exist anymore.

I WANT TO LIVE JOYFULLY. So this is my journey to do it. To challenge myself everyday, to get out of bed and be happy. Since what I'm doing now isn't working, I WILL DO THE OPPOSITE. I WILL START LIVING NOW, INSTEAD OF JUST WAITING FOR THINGS TO HAPPEN. Maybe you want to, too. Maybe we'll help each other along the way. Because living "one hundred days in bed" doesn't have to mean literally, for you to want to change. Some people get depressed and lonely at night. Some people take to their beds on the weekends. Some people numb out and watch hours of TV. Some people look in the mirror and think, "How did I get here, with all this responsibility and no time to do what I want to do? How did I forget me?"

So, let's go find ourselves. How? Well, trust your "unemployed-adventure-for-life-trying-to-find-happiness-guru-wanna-be" to help you out. I'm going to scour the internet for how-to's, how not-to's, things that will help, things that won't help and post assignments, information and fun challenges to well, challenge us. To live life happy. Now. Not when we're sixty or when we have a health scare or when we're thin or have more money. BUT NOW. I can't think of a better time, can you?

Hello World!