Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Totally Reasonable Explanation of Why I Did Not Go to The Gym Today

Operation Emaciation is in effect and I could not be taking this diet more seriously. Only five or so posts ago I said I would never diet, calling diets FEMALE TORTURE and shaming anyone who would even think to crack a hard copy of "South Beach Diet" or "Skinny Bitch" in front of me.

And then the wedding invitation came. The one, in which if I attend, I will see Bad Old Boyfriend. Since, currently, I have the waistline of A MAILBOX and I certainly can't have Bad Old Boyfriend see me like this or how will he want to DEEP TONGUE KISS MW "HELLO" behind an ice sculpture? (Of course, if he even tries to touch me, I will throw hot soup in his face... if soup is available... do they even serve soup at weddings?)

Anyway, this morning I woke up starving. Good. It's good to feel hungry when you wake up. That means your metabolism is fired up. NOW IT'S TIME TO GO TO THE GYM. Except I can't go to the gym unless I eat something. Hmmmm... it seems once I'm at the gym, I'll probably be running (walking) for hours (minutes) so I should have something substantial. Plus, I should have something that's a treat. Something that says, "Congratulations! You're going to the gym! You go girl!"

Mmmmmm... a homemade bagel from the corner bakery, the one with cheddar cheese (calcium, very good) and jalapeno (a vegetable) would be so great right now.

So I got one... and I ate it. Well, now I have to digest the bagel, that should take like what? An hour? Cool, that'll work.

Three hours later, I wake up with a "Vanity Fair" (Okay, "US") magazine stuck to my face. Apparently, eating a salad bowl's worth of bread and cheese makes one NAPPISH and I had just frittered away my GYM-TASTIC MORNING.

I'll just have to go now. Except now it's practically lunch. If I go at Lunch time, the gym will be very crowded and I will NOT GET THE MOST EFFCIENT WORKOUT I CAN GET. I must get the most efficient workout I can get or really, I'm just wasting my time. I better go at 2:00pm. I'll just watch TV for a bit.

Wow. There was just a preview on for Oprah. She's having Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of "Eat Pray, Love" on. And even though I haven't read the book, I have been incredibly touched by what I've heard from others who have read the book. It just seems like, SURE, I COULD GO TO THE GYM at 3:00pm or I could hear all these incredible women talk about how this amazing book changed their lives and set them on a SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. Life changing experience or ab crunches & leg presses?

I REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE. I must stay home and watch Oprah.

Now it's 4:00pm. I'm spiritually nourished but nutritionally famished. Better eat something. Mmmm, good. Ooops, now I'm too full to go to the gym. Damn you, Lean Cuisine!

Okay, I'll go in one hour.

One hour later. It just seems like now EVERYONE IS GETTING OUT OF WORK and the gym is going to be so crowded and DON'T I DESERVE MORE THAN A CROWDED GYM? If I go to a crowded gym and the experience is bad then I will forever associate going to the gym as a bad experience.

DO I REALLY WANT TO PUT A ROAD BLOCK LIKE THAT IN MY WAY? No, I most certainly do not. It's really best if I just stay put. I mean, there's always tomorrow.