Friday, September 24, 2010

Where I Will Now Lead My Life According To The Advice on A Beer Coaster

Over the years... I've gotten a lot of advice.  Of all of it, 3 things stick with me:  A boyfriend telling me I was too nice and available.  God that stung.  It stung up until the day when I realized it was totally and completely true and instead of being wounded by it, I could use it for my benefit.  To fight crime.  No, I'm kidding.  To not be a doormat.  

#2 When this awesome writer J gave advice about being a Hollywood writer (BUT I also APPLY this to LIFE and DATING:  "Never get bitter."  That is the death knell for anyone.  I meet a lot of bitter people out here, so angry for what they don't have that they can't see THEY HAVE EVERY THING.   Men and women friends who are still licking the wounds of past relationships.  (Is there someone you can't get over?  I am an expert in getting people over other people, so let me know in the comments section and I will DAZZLE you with my skills.)

#3 The other bit of advice came... maybe last Christmas.  I was sitting with my cousin M and sister E.  Matt lost his brother... that's the cousin I often refer to.  He also, a year later, lost his best friend.  However, the pulling himself up and dusting himself off, of embracing life and not dwelling in the past IMPRESSES ME of EPIC PROPORTIONS.  EPIC.

He is a great example to me.  After my cousin died he quit his save, cubicle job and said "F this, I'm going to live the life of my dreams."  Maybe he didn't exactly say that, I wasn't there.  I can only guess.

Then there's my sister who I love and I'm afraid of too.  In a funny way.  Because she has a "roar" like no one I have ever seen.  We went to see Cypress Hill (they were opening for the Foos and we wanted to be up front) at this outdoor fest and she saved me from being crushed.  I can just see me falling and about to be crushed and all of a sudden, instead of being 110 pounds, she's like The Hulk, reaching down and yanking me out of abyss.  

She does not take any shit.  She knows where she is going and she doesn't need to turn it over 5,000 different ways, I do.  Does anyone want to go to Thailand?  No?  She goes by herself.   She is NOT a people pleaser.  She will give you THE PEP TALK OF YOUR LIFE but it will contain a lot of profanity and if you don't listen to her very sound advice, she will, when you ask for another pep talk 6 months later, stare at you... through you... until you are running down the street ready to jump in front of oncoming traffic rather than face her wrath.

So these two, my cousin, my sister and I are drinking pitchers of Budweiser and by the time we get to the 6th one, I say:  "Do you guys have any advice for me?  Like your lives are awesome and I just wonder if looking at mine from the outside, maybe you have some advice.

They looked at each other.  They are very close.  I know what they're thinking.  "We could tell you, but we're having fun right now.  And you crying after we tell you everything you are doing wrong, is going to make this LESS of a good time."  

P.S. I read minds.

But I lured them into it.  "Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase."  I knew they were sufficiently softened up by the 6th pitch of beer.  When my sister started stealing the glasses we were drinking out of, I knew to go in for the kill.  (My sister and I like to steal or get into general mischief making if we are drinking).

So there they were... rattling off advice so fast that I was like, "Wait, wait, I have to write it down!"  So I grabbed some beer coasters and I did just that.  When I got back to LA I stuffed them in my lingiere drawer and just found them.  When I found them, I was gasping and laughing at the same time.  

These coasters.  That night.  Had I lived up to any of it?


0)  (Yes, it starts with zero because later, they decided that there was something more import than 1)  "Money is gay."  My cousin said that.  I think he means, Money is "out" like caring about who is gay or not is "out".  I know, it's confusing.  But what he was trying to say is stop doing things for money and living in financial worry like a hostage instead of pursuing the life YOU WANT.

Score of how I'm doing this:  Hmmm... a 4 but I'm going to try harder.

1)  YOU HAVE TALENT and then in parentheses  it says "36 point font, all caps" - which is sweet, they said that not me.  They want me to believe that.

Score of how I'm doing this:  2... Man, I wish I found these coasters waaaaaaaaaaay before this

2) Stop living in the past.  Yes, they are aware that I relive too many of the nightmares, people in our family dying, getting sick.  But I think I'm doing better with this.  When I was out on that Jet Ski with 2nd best friend, I did this thing that I was too afraid to mention, lest I be thought of as utter


Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Adventure Bowl
UPDATED With Sordid, Embarrassing Details Of Getting "Down There" Waxed

Scroll down :) The UPDATE is in purple, below
Good Lord, I cannot believe this was EVEN in the Adventure Bowl.  I am so embarrassed.   No, seriously... I know some people think this is "no big thing."  But for me, I am having a case of the "throw ups" right now thinking about it.

They make you put your legs over your head!  They come at you with hot wax.  Can you get some sort of airborne VD from doing this?  Ugh.  I would have killed to pick sky diving over this.  The ripping and the screaming... I can only imagine THERE WILL BE RIPPING AND SCREAMING!  

I'm just not big on... having "it," you know, my lady bits out there for someone to see.  I cringe at the gynecologist.  My gynecologist once even complimented my vagina in front of an intern and I swear I wanted to run in front of a truck from embarrassment.  

I know that's why I put this in the Adventure Bowl.  Because it is OVERLY WEIRD to be this concerned about getting your "ya know" waxed.  It is.  This is something, we do for ourselves... like a pedicure.  Right?  Right?  (smaller voice)  Right?

So should I prepare in any way?  Should I have a glass of wine?  I would like anesthesia, I will tell you that!  They should provide anesthesia the first time.  And all times after that.

Okay, today is the day I will take my waxing virginity.  If you have any advice or a funny story leave it in the comments.  In the meantime, I will be packing a bag of ice and a bottle of screw top wine. 


What is going on with you ladies?  Why did each and every one of you NOT fly immediately fly to Los Angeles to save me from the CRAZY pain that is having your, um, you know AREA waxed????  I would have flown to you.  I would have have chained you to a very HEAVY piece of furniture or better, nailed you by your outfit to the floor.

They yanked EVERYTHING off.  Everything!  And while, I kind of love it... I'm not going to lie, it hurt only 2nd to having my shoulder dislocated.  Maybe not even 2nd, maybe 1st!  Because at least with the shoulder, I was in an ambulance and then soon after they shoved that shoulder back in at the hospital - THERE WERE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF DRUGS.  (And a set of free slippers).

Okay, I'm not going to get graphic (yes I am).  But stuff is fragile down there.  And pouring hot wax all over it and then yanking, the yanking!  Good Lord.  It never stops.  They just keep going, even if you are SCREAMING.  

And there were tears because IT HURT.   But the waxer don't stop.  She just keeps going.  Like they're torturing a POW or something.  Yes, I saw her wry smile.  This was making her day.  She loved me wriggling around all helpless and trying to get away from her.

"You can stop if you like."  No, I would not like.  I mean, I would but I can't think of anything worse than this job only half way done.  And also it was that challenge, like I was a big baby (which I was) and if I'm challenged on something, I can't back down.

My pep talk to myself:  "Okay, Loser, man up.  You got staples in your head with no anesthesia but you can't even-- (YANK!)  Owwwwwwwwwww."  (Tears).

And the worst part... we're supposed to tip these people.  With money.   

So for any of you going to do this, drink a lot of wine, don't wear jeans and know that I'm very "anti-pain" so don't let my experience deter you in any way.   Because you will look pretty and feel sexy in the end.  

But you might also have nightmares for years.  LOL 



Friday, September 17, 2010


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Where a Quote From Ernest Hemingway Blows Me Away

"Never mistake motion for action."  Ernest Hemingway  

Wow.  Here's what I wrote on my Facebook for 100 Days in Bed...  
"Whoa... this is me, I think I will blog about it tonight. I AM moving but am I getting enough done? No. The chaos (distracting myself with ridiculous errands and list making, etc.) serves me because I am in "big decision making" time and I'm scared. But if I'm frantically busy with nonsense then I won't HAVE to concentrate the "real" and "necessary." So... I will put up a post later about this. Anyone feel the same?

Do you distract yourself with busy work as a way to push the bigger decisions out of your mind?"

Part 2

So here I am.  Very aware that in order not to focus on things that would be BIG LIFE DECISIONS, I distract myself with things are not as equally as important in the moment.  I want to go live in New York for a bit of time to see if that is where I would like to live.

The idea was to be there by Sept. 15.  Then I got a big meeting.  The date September 13.  Hmmm.  I mean, I can't put off meetings that are about my lively hood but I wonder... what will come up next?  Another meeting, another series of meetings?  In getting ready for these meetings, I often do 40 - 60 hours of preparation to pitch a show.  

But it began to dawn on me, I could, by that time, be very deep into writing the script and have that handed out.  Is that the better decision?  Will I make that decision?  When?

Because I know what's going to come, "Can we move the meeting?"  Or "We like it, can you come back the 1st of October and we'll discuss it at length?"

For me, writing is my love and that's what I want to do.  But I don't love this city.  I'm quite bored with it.  Bored sounds so arrogant... "This city bores me."  No... it's just that I KNOW BETTER now.  There is a bigger life out there for me than just sitting around and talking about TV show ratings, what the Networks are "looking for."

Now, I've tried to infuse my life with things that are greater than me.  Donating blood and getting tested for being a donor for a bone marrow transplant.  Then I got involved with promoting an organization that helps kids with severe burns go to camp.  I'm "Love Bombing" people.  Have you heard of that?  Check out their website.

So I am trying to counteract the things I don't like about this city by doing things that I think separate me from LA.

But still, I'm off track... I know what decision I have to make - "motion is not action."   I did not know that.   Man, have I been fooling myself.  Redoing my bedroom and living room and taking pics in hope someone will sublet STILL does not get me to New York.  It's all this movement "Move the couch this way, should I get more plants, you this couch makes the living room look so much bigger..."

It's all meaningless until I say, "I'm going" and if meetings come up, I fly back for them.

My sister is in New York.  I'm certain that she has flown to Vegas and bet against me.  She knows I put work first, myself second.  She listens to my "plans" and just says, "yeah" and "that's nice."  She doesn't think I'm coming.

I WANT TO.  I just have to stop the nonsense and the distractions and MAKE A REALLY DECISION WITH A REAL DATE.  

Fear, change, out of my element, leaving my friends, finding out that moving to a new city is still not the answer, confusion, excitement, don't want to have any regrets...
Have any of you made big life changing decisions?  How was it?  Is all my hand wringing normal?  What do you do when you need to make a big decision?  xoxoxo