Wednesday, December 8, 2010

We Don't Have To Explain Ourselves to Anyone

Awesome Comments becomes Awesome Quotes:  The thing is, it actually is too early to know whether you have made a mistake or not. And you know what? Worse case scenerio and it is, so what? You have still had an adventure.

In your heart of hearts though, you know whatever happens you have done the right thing for you now. And that's all that matters. The little niggly voice in your head is fear of the unknown and we all have that. Only listen to it when you really really have to...

Part One

In a week, I will be another year older.  In life though, I'm still trying to figure it all out... 

Last night I was talking to someone and they made a sarcastic remark... about how I had had an "Epiphany" and left for New York.  I felt my stomach tighten and I felt judged.  I did not have an epiphany!  

Except that I did have an epiphany... of sorts.  But the word or maybe the use of the word... knowing it was subtly being used against me or that I was being made fun of... hurt.  Maybe I have a negative connotation with the word - where it means someone going crazy religious, selling all their wares and roaming ashrams and yoga retreats, looking outwardly to fill their starving soul.  Maybe I thought about when my Mom had her nervous breakdown after my cousin's trial and even in her and excuse my language, bat shit crazy state, still knew to warn us, her kids, not to say she had had ANY sort of epiphany.

(I guess having any kind of epiphanies or religious sightings is on the check list to get you to the head of the line for a 5150 - pronto.)

I think it was more, this phone call, the idea of being made fun of... though in some ways, I doubt I was being made fun of.  I think I might have taken something said, somewhat innocently and blown it out of proportion.  But I've let it sit there and I've let it fester.  And I do feel a bit judged about picking up and moving across country and trying to start my life over but maybe the person REALLY judging me is...

... well... me.

Maybe I'm scared this is all rash and crazy (though, I swear, it does not feel rash and crazy... it feels good and right.)

Maybe I don't like feeling misunderstood.  I lined up the facts, I weighed them... I was unhappy in L.A.  I had a yearning to move to NYC but I ignored it for years.  I had a terrible accident and spent A LOT of time in bed... was it an epiphany?  I don't know.  But I could not ignore the thoughts that kept coming to me.

I am not happy.

I don't like the lifestyle here.

People care too much about money and status.

I miss my family.

I'm only here to make money.  Is that all that is important?

Maybe there are OTHER things I love to do but I am keeping the wall up and ignoring them because I am too scared of change.

I don't know, maybe that was an epiphany.  I guess I have to be okay with that, even if someone seems to be throwing the word in my face with their own sarcastic eye roll.  The person is younger than me.  For them, a place like L.A. holds so much more allure and promise.  I have grown out of that - I thank the accident sometimes because without it, I was on another five year plan to stay there and now I get to START my life over NOW, instead of five years from now.

I can get hung up on defending myself or I can just accept me leaving might look like a whole lot of different things to different people and I have to be okay about not be able to control their interpretation of my move... or life change or... oh, god, epiphany.