Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Let's Talk About Sex
The Condom Aisle, Embarrassment for Miles

They were painting my apartment and I was staying at a friend's.  She had one rule:  "DO NOT GO THROUGH MY DRAWERS!"  Okay, easy enough... I'm not a snoop... I mean, unless I like you, then you should not leave me alone in your apartment.  But that's a given, right?  ;)

So one day, I am working on my computer and I need to write directions down.  I open the bedside table instinctually.   That's where I (LAME PERSON OF THE UNIVERSE) keep my pens.  Instead, there are  drawer full of condoms.  And not just one brand... like LOTS OF BRANDS.  Like, does this girl work for a condom company????

And a note resting on them:  "Get your own."  Get your own.  What?  Do I need my own?  Is this something I am supposed to be "outfitted with?"   Get your own.  Pots, pans, toothbrush, body scrub, CONDOMS!!!!

Curse me for being naive.  Curse me for only, mostly, okay, all the time, sleeping with guys I really, really liked so there was some kind of discussion of sex and protection and even the one time, I was with someone and we decided before the date where I really thought it would happen, like ten dates and not eight, we had the most fun, red in our cheeks, racing through the aisles of Rite Aide to get what we needed.

And we giggled like kids, like kids who knew and liked each other and the night felt earned and it didn't have to mean love but it was fun for it to be unexpected and not PLANNED on.  Not saying, "No, it's cool, my Brinks truck of condoms already made it's delivery - down a chute and into my bedside table."

NOT THAT I'M JUDGING.  I am not.  

I went on a date the other night.  A first date.   It was awesome.  It was awesome in that, after having 2 weeks of NY men tell me I'm attractive or beautiful or cute, I showed up with no make-up and little care to how my hair looked.  (His idea for a last minute date).  But still on my mind is:  am I supposed to be prepared if SOMETHING (le sex) is going to happen?  What does that say about me?

I told a guy friend about the condom drawer, he nodded knowingly and said, "Ah, New York girls."  Oh, so this was normal.  For New York girls.  I'm a New York girl.  Should I be THAT girl?

I have never bought condoms in my life.  Weirdly, proud of that fact.  It's not something (le sex) that I thought I had to be prepared for - it never has just "sprung" out at me.  It's not like having an earthquake kit... there's time, right?  But there I was.  

In the Rite Aid "condom" aisle.  They were buy 1, get one 1/2 off.  The bargain shopper in me was whispering in my ear:  "You can't get a deal like this!  Buy... stock up!  It's mix and match!  It's ribbed for your pleasure!"

And I just stood there.  Lubricant?  I don't think I need that.  Fire & Ice... that seems like it would hurt, right?  Are they for older people?  Like "Icy Hot?"  Ribbed.  Really?  Now I could see the pharmacists staring at me.  This is so embarrassing.  

I don't even know if I have my Rite Aid card with me.  

What if they are like, going to make me pay full price but I don't want to pay full price because I DON'T EVEN WANT THESE THINGS IN MY DRAWER anyway.  And then I leave and they all talk about me.  "Too cheap to pay full price for her condoms."  "Sure ran out of here with that Kit Kat real fast."

And then I'm hit by a car and on my gravestone it reads, "Too cheap to pay for full price condoms."  And my mother is crying and wearing that Jackie O. style grieving lace over her Jackie O. pill box hat but it's not because she's sad that I am dead it's because she's ASHAMED to have a daughter that buys her own condoms.  Why else would she hide her face, right?

I leave Rite Aid.  THIS IS NOT ME.  I mean, I want to be new and different and I want to be a NEW YORK girl but I am not QUITE ready to be that New York girl.  I have a date this Wednesday and Thursday.  That is already so "new me" that I don't need to be any other kind of "new" right now.

Any ladies been there?  In the aisle?  Packs in hand?  LOL, I want to hear :)