Friday, October 31, 2008

Moms Are Funny

It's weird. The older I get, the more I feel like I am becoming a Mom to my Mom. I even had this urge to send her $25 in a Halloween card the other day.

On the phone last week, I was trying to encourage my Mom to um, actually tell the truth in therapy to her new therapist. I find it crazy that she would resist this as the whole point of going to therapy is to TELL THE TRUTH AND THEN GET BETTER.

I capitalize it because I am so dumb founded by my mother's desire to never be able to admit anything is wrong EVER.

So, there I am, talking to my Mom and saying how great it has been that I am now seeing a new therapist and how this is really helping inject some energy into figuring out certain things in my life.

(The manipulative subtext was, "And I hope you'll do the same." Which is out of love, people. My Mom has been carrying around 40 pounds of emotional baggage in a 10 pound bag.)

And this is what she says to me:

Mom: "I'm glad you're seeing a new therapist. I did not like your last one at all."
Me: "Well, why not?"
Mom: "Because she was teaching you about boundaries."


She might as well have said, "I did not like her. She was doing the job she was paid to do and it was becoming really hard on me to push around my more emotionally stable daughter."

The noise I made when she said that was a 1/2 gasp and a 1/2 laugh that resulted in me kind of 1/2 choking and having to get off the phone.

I didn't know if I should have been pissed or find it amazingly hilarious.

I'm going with hilarious.

This blog is dedicated to half price Halloween candy. Bring it!


Monday, October 27, 2008

If I Haven't Seen You In A While, I Will Run And Hide Behind A Car

This POST was voted "Most Likely To Be Totally Worth The Read." And I have the sash that says so. I'm wearing it now while drinking my 7-11 coffee.

First of all, I LOVED all of your comments on the post about the Diet Devil.

I hate to be all message-y and when you read my post below, you will run screaming from the computer before you will ever take advice from me again - but (before you lose all respect for me) let me say this one thing - we are all too hard on ourselves.

If you have a bad day, if your Diet Devil has wrestled you to the ground after convincing you that Ben & Jerry's and Nachos make a sensible snack, just ya know, start over tomorrow.

Forgive and forget.

If I had done that over these past three years instead of just digging myself deeper and deeper into a situation where fat girl jeans were required, I'd be so much happier.

They say the longer you do something, the more it becomes a habit. I'm on day... 36 or 37 of stellar eating and I'm seeing stellar results. The more days of good, healthful, "broccoli tastes just like candy!" I can string together, the more it feels like a way of life and the less it feels like unbridled torture.

Now here's my story... the one I'm mortified to tell you. The one in which, I, of a voluminous butt and jiggly old lady underarms, ran behind a car so people I haven't seen in three years would not see me.

Yeah, I did that.

Because I wasn't wearing a t-shirt that said, "Hey, awkward. We haven't seen each other in three years and I look like I gained a second grader around my middle and I'm totally embarrassed but just so you know - this is a totally temporary situation. If you are coming around the corner, in like six months, watch out, 'cuz I'm just gonna be that hot. And by hot, I mean, I will posses thighs that do not rub together."

I looked for that t-shirt at The Gap but they were out of XL.

It happened tonight. I was coming home from the dog park and there was this couple I haven't seen in years and they were walking on my street and I just felt... um, uncomfortable in this bigger body. I know I'm all ra-ra and "Don't let your big butt get in the way of your big life" and then I go duck behind a car but...

Yeah, I did that.

I've had this thing drilled in my head from my family and yes, I know it's a bad thing and I know it's a wrong thing, but it's still a thing. And it's that being heavy is a sign of weakness. That you must be weak to let that happen. That I must be weak.

It's really hard to admit that is in me, that to a degree I believe that.

But there's another thing I believe and that is, that it makes you super strong to turn what seems like an impossible situation (a big weight gain and a butt made from donuts and margaritas) - a situation that would be so much easier to stay in, to wallow in and to make worse (pound by pound) - it makes you super strong if you try and change that situation.

That's what I'm doing now. On the treadmill or putting spinach in my egg whites or not eating after 7pm or saying no to yummy dark beer and yes to apples instead of chips or ordering black coffee instead of lattes.

And even when it's felt like the results are agonizingly slow and even though I sometimes stop and beat myself up about why I would ever put myself in this situation, I think, "At least I'm doing it. At least, I finally took control and I'm doing it."

Then I breathe a sigh of frickin' relief. Two pounds lost has become six and then ten and then twelve (and a half... don't forget the halves, they add up.)

So, I'll try to not beat myself up, I will shut the brain door on thinking I'm weak and I will really, really try and stop ducking behind cars at night when I see people I'm not ready to see.

Because strong people know what they're doing and don't care what other people think.

This blog is dedicated to Jeeps with their wide ends for hiding behind.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My Inner Diet Devil Thinks Cookies And Ice Cream Would Make A Great Breakfast

Do you have an inner Diet Devil?

It's that voice inside your head as you're preparing a "good girl" meal of grilled chicken and steamed broccoli that starts off with a quiet whisper and then starts screaming:

"I WANT FRENCH FRIES NOW! And while you're at it, get a Big Mac to go with those fries. Ooooo, we need dessert, too! Bring pie!"

Yeah, that guy. I hate that guy. He's trying to sabotage me and won't be happy until I spend the rest of my life in pants that only close with draw strings and "Free Size" shirts.

And that's not a way to live, ladies!

Here's the deal. This whole blog has been about taking back my life from, um, well, the brink of "almost-disaster." Now work is good, finances are decent, friendships are repaired, new therapist is found, healing over the loss of my cousin/job/boyfriend has begun...

But I still have "big ol' fat depression butt."

So last month, I got serious. I started making a healthy breakfast. At breakfast, I planned lunch, at lunch I planned dinner. When things got so stressful and planning seemed to go out the window - I had a Backup-plan Plan. Defrost a frozen vegetable and dump a Lean Cuisine over it.

Lean Cuisine has, like, totally saved my life.

Every meal is paired with a huge serving of fruit or a veggie. The more full I am, the less I'm inclined to fantasize about shoplifting a bag of Ruffles potato chips from the 7-11 so the cashier won't judge me.

In 30 days, I lost 11 pounds.

Oh, did I mention exercise? Because that's a big part of it, though I have started off slow, just going to the gym 3 times a week for ONLY 45 minutes. I cap the "only" because I am stressing the point that I am trying to make this as easy on myself as possible so I won't find excuses not to do it.

But that's really when the Diet Devil is whispering in my ear. He knows that exercise is going to be the biggest piece of my weight loss pie (Mmmmmm, pie).

And he doesn't want me to go! He wants me to stay right here, chit-chatting on the internet or watching "Oprah."

Diet Devil: "Don't work out. Stay home, lie on the couch. Go ahead, put your feet up, you deserve it. Oprah is on. She's going to teach you how to be a better person. Isn't that going to benefit you more in the long run over riding some silly treadmill?"

Me: (small voice) "Um... I don't know."

So I started this post on Wednesday with the hopes that I would have a fantastic update about how I wrestled my Diet Devil and came out victorious with a trip to the gym. But it didn't happen. I talked myself out of going and then I let that be okay.

Not cool.

So today, Thursday, which isn't a gym day for me, I got my butt over to the gym and did what I needed to do. I don't want to fail myself. I have an uphill battle but the goal of 45 minutes 3 times a week is so small for what it gives back to me - it's physically, mentally and emotionally rewarding.

And if it'll make my jeans looser in the process - all the better!

The thing I have to remember is - it's just the getting there that's hard. Once I'm there, I really have to push myself to leave. I love the sweating and I love the feeling of getting stronger.

But mostly, I love setting out to do something and following through.

So what gets you to keep a promise to yourself? What do you do when you want to talk yourself out of going to the gym or eating right? I'd love to know. Then I can use it to beat that lil' Diet Devil off my shoulder the next time he's trying to keep me from going to the gym :)

This blog is dedicated to 8 pound weights.


Friday, October 17, 2008

I'm Very Busy Being In A Crazy Blind Rage...

Because someone went joyriding with my bank card and racked up over $800 bucks in three days. Luckily, I just ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner and that's about to make it almost better.

I showed amazing restraint not taking one of my old anti-anxiety pills I have left over from my "bad times" and crushing it into the raspberry jam.

What's ironic is I found this out as my bank card was being denied as I was making a donation to Save The Children. If you're trying to Save The Children, you should not have some maniac emptying out your bank account.

No. You should open you're bank account and actually find MORE money in there. Because you're a good person. Who saves the children.

I know the bank will make this okay but I still want to punch someone in the face.

After I cried to my friend on the phone and she made me giggle and see that everything would be okay, I hung up the phone and then my dog threw up in my bed.

So if you are having a bad day or had a bad week, get it out, girl! You can rant right here! I'm here for ya!


This blog is dedicated to idiots to steal bank cards and then fill up their gas tanks and drive to San Francisco. Tomorrow, I'm dedicating a police report to you.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Adventure Bowl
Let's Go Flying!

When I was starting this blog, I wrote about getting a pep talk from my younger sister. I told her after experiencing job loss, a death in the family, my Mom's illness and a break-up, I was feeling super blue and I didn't know what to do.

She said she had the perfect solution: I should jump out of an airplane.

I thought she meant figuratively and this was going to be some great metaphor for life - like "letting go" or "stepping out of my comfort zone."

No, she meant, literally, I should jump out of an airplane.

When she went sky diving, it had made her feel unbelievably strong, spontaneous and fearless and she thought it would do the same for me.

I did need that feeling of empowerment but I didn't want to do anything that would make me say... die in the process. Sky diving looks dangerous! But the more my way of doing things - eating Cheetos and hiding under a "Hello Kitty" comforter was not doing the trick to ease my pain, the more I started to come around to her koo koo bananas way of thinking.

That's when I made the Adventure Bowl and started filling it up with all sorts of things I had never done before, things that would thrill me and make me feel happy again.

This past week I picked the only kind of sky diving I felt ready for out of the bowl. That's indoor sky diving. It was such a shocking blast! You suit up just like regular sky diving and take a safety class where no one makes fun of you that you are a control freak for needing a totally safe environment where there is no danger of plummeting to your death.

And then you step into this massive wind tunnel and get blasted up into the air in this huge, I don't know, 60 foot high container and you literally feel like you are really sky diving. There's even someone there to hold your hands and make sure you are A-okay.

And just as I was about to feel like I was the most awesome, fearless person on earth, I look out and realizing that this giant tube is totally clear - and realize that tourists are taking pictures of me and I probably look kind of ridiculous in my one piece nylon jumping suit and gigantic grin.

But I don't care!

It was just that spectacular and not very expensive and something I think everyone should do! It even made me feel bold enough to add REAL sky diving to the Adventure Bowl to be picked out somewhere in the future.

Except that time, I'll be holding my sister's hands and not a strangers.

This blog is dedicated to little sisters.


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Don't Let a BIG Butt Get In The Way Of A BIG Life

A lot of people put off living until they are in their perfect size six jeans. You know, "I'll travel when I'm thinner, I'll be more active when I'm thinner, I'll start dating when I'm thinner."

For me, I'm shaking an extra healthy butt right now and there's nothing I'd like to do more than crawl under the covers until it's gone. But actually, crawling under the covers and doing nothing is how I got this body that most now resembles the shape of an old time refrigerator.

I always said this wouldn't be a diet blog but it is about starting over and new beginnings. And I am determined to prove my theorem (Hello SAT word, it's been awhile) that I can go from being in a down in the dumps rut-tacular to a happier, new and improved me - by taking action.

I wish ACTION could have been following the "Eat, Pray, Love" guideline of chucking my life for a year and traveling the world. Italian food sounds so good right now. Pass the cheese! But... have you seen the economy lately? And even if it was great, can people really quit their jobs, throw their dogs in a suit case and drop out of life for a year? I know I can't.

That's why I started the Adventure Bowl - to live in the now and to really reboot a life that feels like it's gotten a little stale, old and rut-a-licious. And Adventures don't have to cost anything - they're just something that surprises you! Something that takes you out of your comfort zone and gives you that tingly, "I'm alive" feeling.

So part of me doing my Adventure Bowl has not only led, in this past year, to more work than I can handle - and the super fun, creative kind, but finally - a dent in my weight. Like six pounds, people!

I think in order to really commit to something, it always takes a "click" in your mindset and I'm a little afraid to claim the "click" but I think the "click" has finally clicked. You know the click, "I'm so sick of this giant butt not fitting in my jeans!" That click. "I'm so tired of having cute clothes and nothing fits right." Click!

"I'm tired of doing these super fun Adventures and feeling like my chunky butt/arms/thighs/jiggle in the middle is making me slower/tired/unable to enjoy what I'm really doing."

So about two weeks ago, I started keeping a food journal, then I added taking my dog for a bi-nightly walk and finally...


Let's face it ladies, the gym can be your own best friend. You just have to treat her right. My mistake is I have treated her like that friend that you hang out with five times a week for hours at a time and all they do is talk about themselves and their stupid boyfriends and then YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE THEM AGAIN.

Yeah, I did that. Being too much a perfectionist at the gym, I overdid it and made myself sick of it. Hence, the bread dough butt. So now, new rules - three times a week forty five minutes in and out. This is hard for me, I want to dive back into old habits but I keep telling myself not to because I never want to NOT see the gym again and be back where I was.

For me, it's still a loooooooooong road. I, like, have only reached .00000000000001% of my goal. But I won't hide under the covers until I do and I won't stop living a big life until I do. Because what I learned is all this having fun and doing these adventures is why the weight is coming off...

Well, that, the gym and ungodly amounts of broccoli. But mostly "the happy."

This blog is dedicated to the female torture that is - the Ab Crunch.