Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"Never mistake motion for action." Ernest Hemingway
Wow. Here's what I wrote on my Facebook for 100 Days in Bed...
"Whoa... this is me, I think I will blog about it tonight. I AM moving but am I getting enough done? No. The chaos (distracting myself with ridiculous errands and list making, etc.) serves me because I am in "big decision making" time and I'm scared. But if I'm frantically busy with nonsense then I won't HAVE to concentrate the "real" and "necessary." So... I will put up a post later about this. Anyone feel the same?
Do you distract yourself with busy work as a way to push the bigger decisions out of your mind?"
So here I am. Very aware that in order not to focus on things that would be BIG LIFE DECISIONS, I distract myself with things are not as equally as important in the moment. I want to go live in New York for a bit of time to see if that is where I would like to live.
The idea was to be there by Sept. 15. Then I got a big meeting. The date September 13. Hmmm. I mean, I can't put off meetings that are about my lively hood but I wonder... what will come up next? Another meeting, another series of meetings? In getting ready for these meetings, I often do 40 - 60 hours of preparation to pitch a show.
But it began to dawn on me, I could, by that time, be very deep into writing the script and have that handed out. Is that the better decision? Will I make that decision? When?
Because I know what's going to come, "Can we move the meeting?" Or "We like it, can you come back the 1st of October and we'll discuss it at length?"
For me, writing is my love and that's what I want to do. But I don't love this city. I'm quite bored with it. Bored sounds so arrogant... "This city bores me." No... it's just that I KNOW BETTER now. There is a bigger life out there for me than just sitting around and talking about TV show ratings, what the Networks are "looking for."
Now, I've tried to infuse my life with things that are greater than me. Donating blood and getting tested for being a donor for a bone marrow transplant. Then I got involved with promoting an organization that helps kids with severe burns go to camp. I'm "Love Bombing" people. Have you heard of that? Check out their website.
So I am trying to counteract the things I don't like about this city by doing things that I think separate me from LA.
But still, I'm off track... I know what decision I have to make - "motion is not action." I did not know that. Man, have I been fooling myself. Redoing my bedroom and living room and taking pics in hope someone will sublet STILL does not get me to New York. It's all this movement "Move the couch this way, should I get more plants, you this couch makes the living room look so much bigger..."
It's all meaningless until I say, "I'm going" and if meetings come up, I fly back for them.
My sister is in New York. I'm certain that she has flown to Vegas and bet against me. She knows I put work first, myself second. She listens to my "plans" and just says, "yeah" and "that's nice." She doesn't think I'm coming.
I WANT TO. I just have to stop the nonsense and the distractions and MAKE A REALLY DECISION WITH A REAL DATE.
Fear, change, out of my element, leaving my friends, finding out that moving to a new city is still not the answer, confusion, excitement, don't want to have any regrets...
Have any of you made big life changing decisions? How was it? Is all my hand wringing normal? What do you do when you need to make a big decision? xoxoxo