Monday, May 5, 2008

The Weight of Weight
Part One

Let me break it down for you. I don't want to be a chunky monkey anymore. I WANT TO BE SIZE 8 AGAIN. I'll even take a size 12. I feel awful in my body right now and it stinks to go shopping and see summer dresses taunting me with their cute cuts and colors.

(Yes, I could buy one but if someone asks me when I'm "due", I WILL RUN INTO HEAVY ONCOMING TRAFFIC.)

So there's this girl named Melanie and she always gives THE BEST advice here on my sight. What I like about her is that she is a therapist but she talks to me in a way that wouldn't work with a regular patient because... um, I think it's against the law. Okay, I'm kidding. In therapy, I think the patient is always supposed to come to their own realization. But I don't want to come to my own realizations. That takes FOREVER!

When I read one of Melanie's comments it's always so REAL, DEAD ON - the way a girl friend would talk to you if there was no fear that you would never speak to her again. For instance, after I blogged about "Margarita Emailing" my ex, it's like she whizzed though my DSL line, came through the computer and hit me over the head with a frying pan.

She forbid me to contact him again, told me I was living in the past so I didn't have to face the future and threatened me with boldily harm if I did it again. AND I LISTENED!

Anyway, I have been struggling with weight issues ever since my cousin died. I haven't been eating right and I never work out. I'm the opposite of me.

I want to delve into these issues because of cute summer dresses and I just don't want to live this way anymore. So I asked Melanie if I wrote her a letter about this issue would she take some of what she has learned in her work and write me a "hard ass, tough love" response, unlike what I would get from my own therapist.

So here's the letter. In a day or two, I'll post her response.

Dear Melanie,

This is really embarrassing to admit but I have gained a lot of weight since my cousin passed away two years ago. I've gained, like a third grader... (do third graders weigh 40 - 45 pounds?) Maybe it's a second grader.

The thing is I know how to lose weight, eat less, move more. Put down the beer and bread and eat your veggies and lean proteins! The thing is, I just can't seem to want to do that or go to the gym. I used to be a gym hound. Five years ago, I was working a terrible job with a ton of stress and was at an all time high weight. Then I found my dream job and I wanted a dream life to match. I was in the gym five days a week, ate healthy and lost 60 pounds.

I never felt better in my life. But two years ago, after David was murdered, I was so depressed and I just didn't care what I ate or how much time in bed I spent. It didn't help that I also broke up with my boyfriend and lost my job.

I'm really feeling so much better and positive lately but I wonder - why can't I get back on my program again and get rid of this FAT ASS. I really feel like it's holding me back. I don't love going out or seeing people I haven't seen in a while.

I do wonder if holding onto the fat is so I don't have to move on. The idea of dating again kinda freaks me out, I wonder if the weight makes me feel safe from getting hurt again (okay, tearing up, that must be it).

I'm just in a rut and where I make everything else a priority, this, I totally push aside. Weight has always been something that my parents have been fixated on. My parents know I gained weight as a response of all the changes on my life but my Dad did ask, "Now that you feel better, will you be normal by the summer?" (Okay, tearing up again) I wonder if there is also some anger there and just wanting to be accepted for me.

Either way, the weight I am carrying is just not healthy, holding me back and making me uncomfortable.

Any advice?

This post is dedicated to pen pals.