Thursday, February 3, 2011

So Whatever Happened to That Guy I Found On Craigslist?

Okay, so a lot of you asked, “What’s going on with your dating life?”  I know there’s a big gap in these entries.  In one, I talked about pulling out an adventure one week, the adventure of Asking A Guy Out On A Date.  When I just couldn’t quite get the nerve up to do it and time was running out, naturally, I just--

Put an ad up for him on Craigslist.  LOL.  And it worked.  We set a date to go out to a bar near me.  We exchanged pictures and I thought he was very cute.  I was a wreck getting ready… I mean, I haven’t really done the whole “blind date” thing in a really long time.  What do I wear?  On the one hand, you want to dress for you and what makes you confident.  On the other hand, yeah, I wanna look cute for him, too.

I wore a really fun, colorful t-shirt, a black lace cardigan which dressed it up and wore jeans and way sexy shoes.   I can’t tell you how nervous I was waiting for him.  It just seemed too good to be true that this would work out in ANY WAY.

Then he walked in, he waved and I was glad he knew it was me right away.  A lot of my guy friends talk about how they hate when girls misrepresent themselves in photos.  (Um, PS, Guys, we hate when you do that, too.)   His hair was longer than his photos, I’m just going to break it down, it was kooky hair but I loved it.  Kind of mop top curly.  And he had beautiful blue eyes and a nice smile.  Tall, I liked that too.  Smelled good, more points.

I was super nervous, but the vodka soda with a splash of cranberry was easing that.  And when I get buzzed I get very chatty but since he was shy, I think it worked out.  There was a peck on the cheek on that date and a lot of hugging.  It was very sweet and soon after he asked me out again, and again and again.  In fact, we went on six dates.

He spent time at my place playing with the dogs, we took them on long walks and held hands, we ordered dinner in and went out for dinners, too.   But my red flag was kind of going up the more we went out.  I have this type I always go out with and after one of my last relationships, I swore:  never again.

It’s the emotionally distant guy.  The ones with secrets, usually around the family, that won’t talk about anything.  They want to act like life started the day they met you and go from there.  Any “prying” (which is how they see it) into their past, which I think is just normal conversation, the way to get to know someone results in a giant wall being put up.

This concerned me.  I had already been concerned that maybe I was latching onto D because I was new in a city and this made it less lonely.  That is not a good or fair reason to date someone.  But the red flags about this other part really made me put the brakes on the whole thing.  I knew I would just become more and more attached and I knew I would be defying a promise I made myself to NOT date guys like this.   (I will say, if it sounds like I am being vague, there was one secret he was keeping from me which I figured out and it just put a knot in my stomach that he would not talk about it.  But I want to respect his privacy so that’s all I’ll say).

I don’t want to date guys like this because it puts me in my comfort zone.  If he’s not sharing, I don’t have to.  Then we are never really close.  And I can’t get hurt.

So I told him as much as I could without hurting him.  I didn’t think he needed to be deeply critiqued after a half a dozen dates.  I know what I want but that doesn’t make him a bad person or a person that has to change.  I put it all on me.  It was hard.  I even cried because he’s so sweet.  Who wouldn’t want to hang out with a sweet person?

It’s been hard.  He had once asked me when my birthday was.  And magically, on my birthday, a text came from his out of state area code.  (I didn’t know anyone else from here, so it had to be him).  It wished me a great birthday.  I started to cry.  It had been a month since we’d seen each other and he still remembered.  No one else had remembered my birthday at that point in the day so it really made me feel special.

I emailed him back about how much it meant to me.  I was really missing him but didn’t say so.  He emailed back—he was embarrassed because the email wasn’t from him.  (I would later found out it was from my cousin who lived in the same state but HAD never called me, never mind remembered my birthday. 

Now it was time for me to be embarrassed.

He said some really beautiful things in the email.  That he thought I was awesome and so much fun to be around.  And the ball was in my court because he would love to see me again.

I wasn’t sure what to do.  I wondered if I was just missing “someone” but maybe not D.  I didn’t want to hurt someone again.  But I said yes, I would like to see him, as friends, like he suggested.

But soon, he never responded to that email.  I sent another.  He replied.  He was getting really busy at work.  And oh so busy on the weekends.  He wasn’t one to play games.  I just imagined the wall was going up again.  He didn’t want to get hurt just like it was me before, that didn’t want to get hurt.

So there it is.  The lesson though is, I’ll NEVER regret putting that Craigslist ad up and meeting D.  It was one of the (pardon the language) ballsy-est things I’ve done.  I’ve thought of doing it again, hey maybe I just will.  It was nice to laugh with someone, get dressed up for someone and get excited to see them. 

Even if it didn’t work out, I was proud of myself for not falling back into old patterns.  I know I want more and that I deserve more…

So I’m putting “Ask A Guy Out On A Date” back in the Adventure Bowl.  Maybe somewhere near the top so I can pick it really soon!

Also, are there any patterns you're trying to break in dating?  Or that you had to break to find the right guy?  I'd love to know.