First of all, I want to say that my pursuit of big girl jeans went shockingly well. I had a flash as I was entering the mall that I would be found unconscious in a dressing room with LARGE LADY JEANS wrapped around my ankles after I HAD PASSED OUT from the shock of what my new size was. I didn't. They are beautiful. They are fantastic. They cost $19.99. THEY MAY NEED A BANDANA to keep them closed as they don't fit totally perfectly (yeah, that's right, I can't completely zip them up). But it was the last size I could stand getting before I would fall into shock, faint and then be on the news, transported out of the mall by ambulance with big girl jeans around my ankles.
Finding PURPOSE:
Two years ago, I was sitting in the Writer's Room of the televison show I was working on and I had a profound revelation: I am not happy. Even with a dream job, even with a rockin' big salary, even after buying a kicking house in the hills, even with a boyfriend who is smart and funny and looks great with his shirt off, even with awesome friends and a healthy family. I am not happy. I KNOW, YOU PROBABLY WANT TO SLAP ME. I had it all and I still had something to complain about.
Things started to gnaw at me right after my cousin passed away. Maybe because I spent a lot of time in bed, staring at the ceiling fan go round and round. IT STARTED TO COME AT ME... I have NO PURPOSE IN LIFE. I cap it 'cause it hit me like a ton of bricks how lost and sad I was. How you can have everything on the outside look so good, and yet on the inside, feel like you have nothing at all.
I write this, I cap letters because I know a lot of you feel the same way. We project happiness, yet there A BIG OL' CLOUD O' TURMOIL a' brewwin' on the inside. I want people to know that you can have "BIG TIME" bummed-outted-ness and still get over it. I've had big ones, small ones, long ones short ones. I've had bummed-outted-ness that was over boys, over fights with friends, ones that were over the devastation of an enormous credit card bill.
But THIS WAS THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL. My family was falling apart and I had no purpose in life. But now I feel like I do. I've spent over 100 days in bed and then decided... I don't want to anymore. I have not even fractionally figured out my life but I do know that blogging, connecting with you guys over being depressed and trying to FIGHT MY WAY OUT OF IT, even if in my case it sometimes makes me sound like a crazy fool... that is my purpose. Yay! Seriously, this is big for me. Bigger than finding big girl jeans and avoiding being on the news with large lady jeans wrapped around my ankle.
OF PICKET SIGNS:
If any of you are feeling dissatisfied with your life, I have some advice: YOU NEED TO PICKET LIFE. It sounds crazy but by new obsession is picketing. I am doing it because I am a member of the Writer's Guild of America and we are picketing all the Studios because we think the terms of our contract is unfair. WE WANT MORE - JUST LIKE LIFE. We need to do things now that will protect us later - JUST LIKE LIFE. We drew up a list of things that we need to have in order to take care of ourselves. I think you should, too. You don't even have to be picketing a big studio and be handed out pizza by Eva Longoria or donuts by Jay Leno or burritos by Jimmy Kimmel (although, wouldn't it be awesome if you were!) Write up you list. What are you dissatisfied with? What are you MAD AS HELL about and NOT GOING TO TAKE ANYMORE? You write your list, I'm gonna write mine.
This past Monday when I went out on the picket lines and me and "McDreamy", YES PATRICK DEMPSEY, on his motorcycle, leaving Prospect Studios, made eye contact in a way that I felt said, "Keep Rocking those Sweats and that Picket Sign, Girl" - I have never felt so exilarated. Okay, maybe I have. But it's been a while. But I was out there, with a picket sign, I believed in what I was protesting, I HAD PURPOSE. I chanted, I swung my sign, I "whoo-hooed" at honking cars and I shouted on a bull horn. I have never felt so much adreneline in my life. Okay, maybe I have. But it's been a while.
I'm taking this mentality and I'm APPLYING IT TO LIFE. Let's write our lists, let's make our signs, let's draw our line in the sand. Let's claim what we want, when we want it and how we're gonna get it! Get your bullhorns out, get your signs made, get marching FOR WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE. When you look back in ten years or twenty, you'll be so glad you did.
