Thursday, December 27, 2007

Adventure Grrl, Private Eye: Getting Down to Why & How Everything Went So Horribly Wrong

It's weird being back home. But I did come with the goal to be a private investigator in my own life.

What I really need to find out: Who knew that my Mom was CRAZY and when. The first time this question piqued my curiosity was when my sisters E & K and I were in a car in Ireland four years ago and E & K were casually having a conversation about how after E was born (I was five), my mother RAN AWAY FROM HOME, leaving the three of us with my dad, without having having ANY IDEA WHERE SHE WAS. (The police showed up to confront my oblivious Dad 12 hours later who hadn't even noticed she was gone. ENOUGH SAID.)

Soon, we were split up. K & E went to live with one aunt and uncle and I went to live with another. ONLY I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY OF THIS (except of constant dreams of velvet paintings with Giant Heads and disproportionally large eyes - later I learned my aunt and uncle had these of their two children and family dog.) K knew all along, she was a year older than me. She has told E, BUT NO ONE HAD TOLD ME. I asked K, who I shared a childhood bedroom my whole life, "HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?" "Oh," she said, "I thought you knew."

Which is just how things work in my family. We assume we know all about the painful parts and we assume WE SHOULD NEVER SPEAK OF THEM.


1) What did my Dad know and when?

2) What did my Mom's younger Brother and Sister know and when?

3) What did my second Aunt who was my Mom's closet confidant, and also took care of K & E all those years ago, what did she know?

4) Why did no one do anything past the first nervous breakdown when I was five?

5) Why was this such CLOSELY GUARDED SECRET?

6) E (who is sitting here with me know) says her question would be: "If she was a mother and wanted kids so badly, why did she seemingly hate us all?

Great. I never even thought of that. But E always cuts through the bullshit and gets right to it. Sadly, it's a valid question.