Friday, May 2, 2008

The Lunacy of Overbearing Mothers

Today I took myself out for breakfast. There's a cute five dollar breakfast special place near me where you can sit outside. And I decided I was worth five dollars plus tax and tip. I was sitting next to a guy who was with his mother who had just flown in from out of town.

This woman was (and I am not trying to be unkind, just accurate and you'll see, soon, how this keen observation fits profoundly into the story) - this woman was gia-gantic, gi-normous, routund-ness, big-a-licious, back-fat-o-matic.

So she's having a five dollar breakfast special at a cute place where you can sit outside, sitting with her son whom she has flown in to see from undisclosed far away place, and because when all mothers are reunited with their adult children, have obviously read the same manual, "How To Ruin Your Child's Self-Esteem in Ten Easy Steps," has leaned over to him and said:

"You really should go on a diet. At your age, it's only going to get harder."

And if I can also preface that she, of substantial size, was also, NOT only eating a huge bagel, lox and cream cheese, but also eating a HUGE BAGEL, LOX AND CREAM CHEESE, unlike a LADY might. She ate it sandwich style in approximately three bites. That's no lady eatin'.

Her son, who visibly withered after her comment, was maybe ten pounds overweight. That might be "gay-fat" heavy as my gay friends say, but that ain't 30 year-old "hetero-heavy", okay?

I wanted to take my "Fresh and Fruity" (huge fruit plate, side of yogurt and a muffin) and smash it into her face (gently, after all, she is someone's mother). I kept waiting for her to get up and go to the rest room so I could say to her son, "MY MOM JUST DID THAT TO ME, TOO!"

Then we would fall in love and have morbidly obese children who need to be home schooled because they can't fit behind regulation school desks but we wouldn't care because we had learned to actually love your children no matter what they look like.

This post is dedicated to the size XXL.