Friday, July 23, 2010

I'm Predicting One of the Most Uncomfortable Moments of My Life Will Be Happening Tonight

Posts of late have been kind of heavy, as I navel gaze so deep, I think the C-5 and C-6 of my spine are fused together. Let's just tell funny stories! Oh, I know one! It's about me getting so drunk the last time I was home, that I am literally LITERALLY going to have one of the most awkward nights of my life.

Like my stomach is flipping and legs getting weak just glimpsing the horrificness of the this metaphorical car crash I have set in motion.

So 2 months ago, I'm in Brooklyn visiting my sister and we're going out to see this band with all her friends. And I can't say what made me do this, except for the fact that, knowing I didn't have to drive home and worry about killing anyone, I ordered a martini.

Then people were buying me martinis. I often become popular in a bar, what can I say? So now, I am completely f'ing high on vodka and my cousin introduces me to her new boyfriend (she lives in NYC, too.)

Now, before I start talking about him and this horrific sitch I got myself into (and no, we did not end up making out in the back room, get your smut mind out of the gutter), let me tell you a little about my cousin, just to set the scene and possibly, when you learn more of my horrificness, lay the groundwork for you not hating me so much.

My cousin is a baby in a 20 something body. Example: Her parents who live 200 miles away, drive her groceries to her in NYC. Do you really need to hear more? I can give you more examples but really, does that not cover it? She calls her Dad with a list. "Don't forget toilet paper." I'm not kidding.

Now, if you want your child to thrive in NYC, your child who already lives 3 doors down from her job and is probably already not meeting a lot of new people - perhaps you should NOT treat her like a four year old with a learning disability. Let her wag her ass to the grocery store and meet people.

I digress. So I'm wasted on four martinis and I feel like we know each other well enough to tell you it was really five martinis and I meet my cousin's boyfriend. My cousin has been know to be a stage 5 Cling-On when it comes to guys she likes and will dump all aspects of her life to be with a guy and then gets profoundly hurt when said guy dumps her and then has to enter into some kind of witness protection program.

Infinity story short. Boyfriend guy and I start talking at the bar. I am between him and my cousin and while she is on one side of me, planning their wedding and wondering whether to have a traditional butter cream wedding cake or a seven-tiered chocolate ganache, he is telling me how his family would stroke out if they found out he was dating a Non-Jewish girl.

Now, this is the point where, I should have walked away, ya know?

But, mmm, no, I ordered another martini. And then, I sort of conveyed my kind of one true thing I hold dear when it comes to relationships that involve people I care about. If you are aware that someone is in love with you or has major feelings about you -- and you know you can, in no way, return those feelings, for whatever reason -- she makes more money than you, he has a lady butt, you sense premature balding and a thick head of hair is important to you, he makes that clicking noise when he chews, she has a cat named "Commander Paws", SHE IS NOT JEWISH and you only date JEWISH GIRLS...

Then you have to vag up and let that person go. Even if you are having great sex. Although, if it's REALLY great sex, I will give you a week grace period, especially if you are a girl because good ORGASMS are hard to find.

You feel me? You can't let someone be in love with you when you know you can't reciprocate. It's called being responsible for other people's feelings. So, yeah, waiting for someone better to come along while she's debating chicken or fish - bad idea.

Get out. Just get out now. Which is what I told my cousin's boyfriend whose name I can't remember. Because I was so drunk on five martinis. Normally, I let people live their lives and just silently judge their mistakes. If you look at me and I have a wry smile and a raised eyebrow, I'm thinking about something stupid that you're doing right now that you will probably not even figure out for three months.

Anyway. Apparently, this guy broke up with my cousin 2 weeks later. And quoted me, without quoting me. Meaning, she has no idea I have anything to do with this, even though he used every reason I gave him to give her the hammer. She is devastated. Worse, her parents are devastated. They loved him. They thought he was "the one."

Worse... I AM STAYING AT MY COUSIN'S HOUSE, the cousin that I wrecked her life by getting her boyfriend to break up with her after five martinis and... wait, for it, wait for...


And he, God damn, what was his name? - is going to see me the second he walks in the door.

And that my friends, is why I am predicting that tonight, this night, will be one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. (Especially if he has some Vietnam type flashback when he sees me and vomits up the whole story about how this is all my fault.)

I am open to any and all suggestions. I could care less if they get back together. I am selfish and only care about not getting caught. How do I do that? Wait for him at the end of the driveway and say something to him? Ignore the whole thing? Casually bring up how drunk I was the last time I saw him and how I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING from the last time I saw him.

Somebody please help me. Help me.