Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I Paid A Man To Put His Hands All Over My Body!

Life is going at 2,000 miles an hour and I am along for the ride. I love working hard so there are no complaints there. But... when I'm stressed, I feel every muscle seize up in my body and it becomes impossible for me to sleep.

So I have this big meeting tomorrow and I have combination Stress-ful-itis combined with Flop-Sweat-ophagus and I know the only thing that will help is wine and a wheel barrel of pharmaceuticals. But really is that the answer? (Yes, yes! It's TOTALLY the answer.)

No, no, I am past that. Life is about hard work, hard fun and hard self-care. I have been so lacking on that last part. You all know I have not been eating right or really exercising. Well, I got a really big wake-up call going to the doctor. She told me my blood pressure was through the roof. Even when we think we're having fun, we can be a medical mess.

So today they call me. My doctor has set aside an ambulatory blood pressure cuff (AMBULATORY!) for me to borrow for two weeks, all I have to do is bring a credit card, donate my only kidney and sign away my first born. How can this be happening to me? I'M YOUNG, YO!

Just by invoking the "Yo!" you should know, I am very young.

But here I am, stressed to the max with old man who smokes-three-packs-a-day-and-eats-triple-fried-ham-sandwiches problems.

So today, knowing I have a big meeting tomorrow, I pay a man to put his hands all over my body. Technically, it's called a massage or as I like to refer to it, the last bastion of male prostitution. Yum! And I love paying for it, 'cause then I don't feel bad about three weeks of leg hair growth.

I feel so amazing and I want you to, too. Can't afford it? I bet you can. Have a change bowl? I want cha to make one. Start adding. Can you do a dollar a day? Too steep? Okay, how about 50 cents a day? In four months you'll have enough. I know it seems like a long time, but technically for something you've NEVER done, it's not a lot of time.

I could go on and on about how amazing, relaxing, replenishing this one hour will be. Are you a work-a-holic? A Mommy-a-holic? A worry-a-holic? Even better. This massage is going to give you back so much energy that you can get back to all THAT double time.

Yeah, I want to hear about how you're all busting out Adventure Bowls. But I can see how that is a new concept and might take some time to adopt. But taking care of yourself, you should NEVER need someone to talk you into that.

'Cause that's love. So LOVE yourself.

This blog is dedicated to hairy legs.