Thursday, January 31, 2008

Depression Confession #2

This is why I'm a really Bad Person. Because I am weak. Because I email Bad Old Boyfriends.

I don't quite know what sent me in the direction, but I suspect it was alcohol and access to a computer. It happened in Kauai. It was just so beautiful and magical and every where you looked was another INSANELY IN LOVE couple holding hands, gazing lovingly at each other, kissing each other tenderly. I WANTED TO GOUGE MY EYES OUT I WAS SO DAMN JEALOUS.

And I was feeling lonely and missing, not just him, but the IDEA OF ANYBODY. And I had had 2 glasses of wine, 1 and a half Mai Tais and two beers. And had access to a computer. So I tickeled the keys and wrote that kind of email you write when you want to SEEM ALL UPBEAT, HAPPY, MYSTERIOUSLY ON VACATION AND LIFE COULD NOT BE BETTER & I AM IMPLYING, BUT NOT OUTRIGHT SAYING, "You should be soooooo missing me. Yeah! You should."

Of course, within minutes, he shot an email back to me. AND I LIKED IT. I liked it because it made me feel powerful and desirable and miss-able. All things I had NEVER felt in the relationship. (Yeah, I pick real winners, ladies.) I knew it was not because I WAS SO GREAT but because I AM A GREAT DISTRACTION.

I was his and he was mine. When we were together, we were in THE FUN ZONE. If we stepped out of The Fun Zone (deep talking, getting to know each other on "another level," tell me your deep, dark secrets, etc.), HE RESISTED, I PERSISTED, then fighting (us), crying (me), silence (him).

I have come so far in digging myself out of the DEPRESSION HOLE (there's only like 32 more feet to go and I can finally see daylight) that I don't know WHY I would do this (especially with someone that treated me so yuck-ily.)

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

It wasn't just the Mai Tais, I know there is some bigger meaning there and I have to figure it out so I don't do it again. Give me a day or two. I am also open to any theories you have or chastising you want to give.