Monday, December 31, 2007

My Almost Nervous "Whole Foods" Breakdown

I could start to feel the dark stormy cloud coming over me again. It's an easy mathematical equation to know if you are depressed: “Are you asleep more than you are awake?” If the answer is yes, then you might be depressed.

I don't know what it could be.

Yes, you do. You started it by asking all those questions about your past, your mother's past, you couldn't leave well enough alone.

Oh, yeah, that might be it.

One thing that always makes me feel better is if I write. So I decided I'd go out and do a blog entry somewhere where there was internet. (Because we don't have it here, at my parents' house. If you can imagine a place where you have to wash yourself in a bucket and cook gruel in a pot in the fireplace, you pretty much have the technical advances of my parents house down. Oh, also, if you're coming by, bring a coat, you'll need to wear it indoors.)

First I try Panera Bread. No go. Then Border's Books. No go. You need T-Mobile there. “OH, I'M SORRY, DID THE THREE BUCKS I JUST SPENT FOR A CUP OF COFFEE NOT ENTITLE ME TO TEN MINUTES ON THE INTERNET!!!!”

That's what I would have said, had I spent three bucks on a cup of coffee. But I didn't.

So then I try Whole Foods. This is definitely going to work. I have used their internet before. Only it doesn't work. AND I CAN FEEL A RAGE BOILING UP IN ME like you would not believe.

I may be a lot of things. Eccentric, emotional, silly, high-strung, neurotic BUT I'm not usually a rage-a-holic-maniac type girl. OH, BUT RIGHT NOW I AM!

I seriously want to shake somebody. Or worse. I imagine (because I hate guns, so I would never think of shooting anyone with a real gun) that I have gun-like apparatus that instead of shooting bullets, IT SHOOTS FRUIT.

“Oh my God!,” they'll scream, “She's reloading in Produce.” Bam! Bam! Bam! I take down (and by “take down” I just mean “PELT IN THE BUTTOCKS with my fruit gun. It only leaves bruises in the shape of the fruit you were hit with AND AN INABILITY TO EVER EAT FRUIT SALAD AGAIN).

I reload with Grapefruits, that's how mad I am. I'm looking for the Manager who is responsible for my HARDSHIP of getting the on internet. I'm gonna get 'em, get 'em good.

The loud speaker comes on. “Maniac on aisle five.”

“Crap,” I think. “Now I'm gonna be on the news. Those bitches from high school will see me and think, 'She got so fat' and 'Did you even see what she was wearing?' “Please, like I could get past how bad her highlights are!”

I SNAP OUT OF MY FANTASY to see that BY SOME MIRACLE OF MIRACLES, that the INTERNET CONNECTION WORKS.

I write my blog and I check my Sitemeter to see how many people have been on the past few days. (I do this to see which entries people like best.)

The number of visitors is the hugest NUMBER since I started the sight. Maybe double the best number I've ever got.

That's when I start to cry (See? Emotional.) I just feel this amazing gratitude that people like my work, that they respond to it, that they see themselves in it. And also, I feel like a jerk that I was so close to having AN INSANE FIT over nothing, especially because I have EVERYTHING. (Okay, so maybe not a job... or a boyfriend... or any idea what's going to have to my family but... I'm figuring ALL THAT OUT. So, "EVERYTHING".)

And I also feel like a loser for wanting to shoot the lovely people at Whole Foods with my fruit gun.
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12 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have imigined picking up fruit and pelting people in the back before...I like the fruit gun idea...maybe you should invent it! LOL
Allie

Surfergrrl said...

“Crap,” I think. “Now I'm gonna be on the news. Those bitches from high school will see me and think, 'She got so fat' and 'Did you even see what she was wearing?' “Please, like I could get past how bad her highlights are!”

haha! love this part! Happy New Year, AG!!

mary said...

Oprah is going to find this blog and you are to be famous, so start working out now because it WILL happen. I already emailed her about you.

And no, unfortunately, I don't know Oprah. I just left her an email on her site. You made me laugh outloud tonight, and that is no small feat.
mary

Ps. i need to loose 25...again

thesleepycat said...

agree 100% with mary!

adventure grrl said...

Mary, You are my new best friend. The rest of you, not SO BAD YOURSELVES!!!! I hope you all have the MOST AWESOME ROCKIN' NEW YEAR. Thanks for coming by :)

Anonymous said...

Ever since I found this blog, it's the one thing I can come to everyday for a guaranteed laugh or to know that someone else is feeling or has felt the way I do feel or have felt. Even if that only lasts for the five minutes it takes to read it, I have those five minutes to look forward to everyday.

P.s. My "D" began kicking in again last night also. Damn New Years.

AJ said...

Can I borrow your fruit gun for the next time I have to go to the grocery store anytime before 9pm, when it is still overrun by parents trailing 1-6 kids, blocking my way to actually look at anything I'm buying, thus causing me to not recognize half of what has ended up in my bags when I finally make it home?

Anonymous said...

I check your blog almost everyday. I was randomly sent it right after the strike hit (I workED in production lol) and I am literally addicted. I check almost everyday and find myself sad when you haven't posted. Sad and pathetic probably but true nonetheless. I do agree and sympathize with the things you write about. The generals (and some specifics) match my own life. Thanks for letting me commiserate. I wish you all the best in 2008.

XOXO

Skye

adventure grrl said...

Anonymous - I love your expression about "the D" - you make depression sound so hip, I feel like one of THE COOL KIDS. I am going to write something called "Why Depression Is The Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me." IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND. Not because I wrote it, but because I read something extraordinary that has lead me to believe this and I want everyone with depression to read it.

AJ - I got you covered! I'm tracking to be on QVC within a year with my fruit gun. LOL.

Skye - how awesome are you! I hope the strike is not bringing you down too much. It's really tough, huh?

Jade said...

i love love love your blog (found it randomly. you make me laugh, you make me almost cry. i should stop reading it at work - people are gonna think i'm crazy ;)

adventure grrl said...

Jade, It's comments like yours that keep me writing even though it sometimes freaks me out to be revealing all the good, the bad, the ugly, THE MORTIFYING about myself :) Thank you so much!

Midge said...

AG - The good, the bad and the ugly is real. You are AUTHENTIC. I can't tell you what it means to me to read what you write here. Therapy is good. In the right situation the right medication is GREAT. But DOING is the best thing for depression. Because that's what happens to us depressed people. We stop DOING. We even stop BEING. We just EXIST. Doing is the best medicine, but it's often the hardest. Your writing is living proof that we can just crawl out from under the covers and start doing things in the world again. And we can just by doing, not by thinking or overthinking. Just doing. So thank you.