Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Things I Hate About Myself

1) That if I say something scares me I have to immediately make a joke of it so I will not make people uncomfortable

2) Making people uncomfortable

3) Constantly apologizing for making people uncomfortable

4) That I don't want to go home for Christmas. That I don't want to see my Mom. That I'm scared that if we are all home for Christmas in that same house that she will have another nervous breakdown and there will be hospital trips and consulting with doctors and night time pacing and tears and Dad saying he feels lost and rescheduled flights and lies to friends because who could EVER BELIEVE this was really happening and I kind of like the lies because they are an escape from the reality, and me feeling like I want someone to PLEASE BE A GROWN-UP and take charge and having to pretend in front of people everything is okay while we have Mom hidden in the other room because if someone, anyone saw her, they would know things are FAR FROM OKAY. Yeah, I don't want to do last Christmas again.

I'm sorry, did I make you uncomfortable?


Jess said...

Aww....I wish you the best this Christmas! Hopefully you have the most amazing time ever, and you're not so stressed out.

Sometimes spending a holiday by yourself or with friends (not doing the "traditional" going home thing) works wonders. Good luck in whatever you decide to do!

Two Date Diva said...

You know, it's not a bad thing to want to be away from your family at Christmas, sometimes it even keeps YOU form having a nervous breakdown and going to the hospital. Take care of yourself. Also, I try not to make people uncomfortable wither, but I have to remind myself (a lot) that I'm not responsible for other peoples' comfort level.


Anonymous said...

You don't have to go home for the holidays. You are not responsible for your family. You are not responsible for your parents. You are only responsible for your own happiness. You are allowed to do anything you want, go anywhere you want, be anything you want to be. PS: I love you.

AJ said...

1) I've learned the holidays are to spent in whatever way makes us happy. Mine are spent in my own home. I visit my family at other times of the year.

2) My mother did something similar after her mother died. People never believe it actually happens, until they see it. Life is what it is, and it's not always 'okay'.

adventure grrl said...

You guys are awesome... get ready, Christmas is gonna be a loooooooong and bumpy ride!