It's weird being back home. But I did come with the goal to be a private investigator in my own life.
What I really need to find out: Who knew that my Mom was CRAZY and when. The first time this question piqued my curiosity was when my sisters E & K and I were in a car in Ireland four years ago and E & K were casually having a conversation about how after E was born (I was five), my mother RAN AWAY FROM HOME, leaving the three of us with my dad, without having having ANY IDEA WHERE SHE WAS. (The police showed up to confront my oblivious Dad 12 hours later who hadn't even noticed she was gone. ENOUGH SAID.)
Soon, we were split up. K & E went to live with one aunt and uncle and I went to live with another. ONLY I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO MEMORY OF THIS (except of constant dreams of velvet paintings with Giant Heads and disproportionally large eyes - later I learned my aunt and uncle had these of their two children and family dog.) K knew all along, she was a year older than me. She has told E, BUT NO ONE HAD TOLD ME. I asked K, who I shared a childhood bedroom my whole life, "HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?" "Oh," she said, "I thought you knew."
Which is just how things work in my family. We assume we know all about the painful parts and we assume WE SHOULD NEVER SPEAK OF THEM.
So HERE'S WHAT I HAVE COME HERE TO FIND OUT:
1) What did my Dad know and when?
2) What did my Mom's younger Brother and Sister know and when?
3) What did my second Aunt who was my Mom's closet confidant, and also took care of K & E all those years ago, what did she know?
4) Why did no one do anything past the first nervous breakdown when I was five?
5) Why was this such CLOSELY GUARDED SECRET?
6) E (who is sitting here with me know) says her question would be: "If she was a mother and wanted kids so badly, why did she seemingly hate us all?
Great. I never even thought of that. But E always cuts through the bullshit and gets right to it. Sadly, it's a valid question.
7 comments:
Have you ever talked to your Mom about any of this, or would that be too much for her to handle? Sadly, sometimes it seems impossible to unlock the mysteries of our childhoods...we can sometimes only hope to make improvements in our own lives. Hope you find some of the answers you're looking for!
BTW, it went from really warm to freezing here in LA.
Luckily, I got off the plane and within and hour, she got on a plane to Ireland to see my older sister. So now, I can sneak around AND GET THE TRUTH. Then I can ask her to tell me when she gets back. Sadly, it will just be her version of the truth. When I demanded to know in Ireland why she had never told me I lived with another family when I was five, she said, "That's none of your business."
Ugh! sadly I can relate. My mom and my brother both are habitual liars. I've kind of gotten used to them saying things I never believe and I just smile and nod my head an take it with a grain of salt. Also my brother and my dad don't speak to each other anymore. families...gotta love em...or live 3000 miles away from them which is what I choose to do! ha ha!
I found your blog through a SELF magazine message board. I am starting to read your blog from the beginning and I am loving it so far. I'll explain why I was searching and found your blog later but I just wanted to let you know you have a new reader :)
You girls are my heart. Me & my little sister still look at each other and say, "If we didn't tell the truth to each other, where would be to each other." Thank you guys, for listening, and making me feel like it's all okay - no punishment for telling the truth!
Family secrets almost always destroy. Usually the secret is sealed to keep someone 'safe' or 'blissfully ignorant'. Fortunately or unfortunately, these secrets always reappear, and those kept 'safe' have quite the shock, and ignorance is far from bliss.
Your mother might be quite embarrassed/disappointed in herself. Someday she might confide in you when she believes it's relevant.. perhaps if you ever decide to have children.
Ask her to write it down, and give it to you when she's ready. She'll have to face it first.
My DBF's mom is more than a notion. She used to just be mean for the sake of being mean to her daughter when she was younger. She is getting it back in spades now that her daughter is an adult.
What is it with parents?
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