Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Afterness

I'm sad. I feel bad for feeling sad. Stupid, really. It's all about that very famous actor who died at 28, all alone, who I never knew, who I can't even say I was an amazing fan of. Just that he is gone and I know all about the Afterness.

While all so much is speculated about his death, who knew what and when, all I can think is... for his family... it all starts now. Their hearts will be heavy and filled with regret and sorrow and questions and regret and regret and regret.

Everything is all right and then there is that phone call and you are never the same again. In ways people can never describe. You feel different, things look different and you feel like you physically packed up and moved away from the person you once were.

And the internet is a monster that will tell you details that you will never want to know and can be the gap between two mountains that widens so you can never jump to a healing place. I learned the hard way, you do not google the details of your loved ones death. You do not want to hear a witness say they never saw so much blood in their life.

I know I'm not grieving this person's death, I do not know him. I am grieving the parts of my cousin's death that I have packed up in a box and tucked under the bed. Then when someone else dies, same age, circumstances that make no sense at all, it's like all those bits of grief and suffering emanate from the box and once again, the house is haunted.

But his family... that tears me apart.


cl-pooh1972 said...

I know what you mean. No matter how it happens, your life changes at the moment you hear the news - in person or on the phone.

I went to bed one night and had 2 parents. I woke up the next morning with 1. My life is forever divided into those parts.

Surfergrrl said...

I think when someone older passes, you come to accept it as part of life, but when you hear about anyone, whether that be an actor, singer, friend, or cousin, who died at such a young age, you can't help but think about it more because it's so unexpected. You think about the life they were just beginning, and for him the father he was just starting to be. For me I was thinking a lot about Michelle Williams. I wonder how I would feel or react if I heard something bad happened to my ex. She was not with him anymore but I'm sure the pain is no less that it would be if they were...especially because they have a daughter together.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry that you are sad today. I read your entire blog yesterday from beginning to end. I think you should contact your joyfriends today, death is such a difficult thing to understand. I am 39, I have only been to one funeral in my entire life, my family and friends have always protected me from death. I didn't even get to say goodbye to the grandfather I loved so much. I am still in total denial about his death in my mind he is just not here. I have been sick since my son was little, I have already decided that I am going to be a dolphin in my next life. I hope it works out like that. Try to have a better day.

Anonymous said...

Just know that you have support stringing out all across the United States for you. People you have never met, spoken to, or seen...we are in your corner and we are here to support you. All you have to do is log on and type to us. Death brings an empitness that will never ever be filled again in our hearts. I losts my grandparents not too long ago and I would give anything to see them again. I dream about them from time to time and I feel that that is their way of saying hello. I wear my grandmothers wedding ring and it keeps me close to them. Although, I would cut off the finger it goes on to see them for one more day! But...... we must have hope and faith that one day the empty space will be filled when we see all the people we love again in heaven. They will be standing there with open arms waiting for us. Chin up.... you are never alone.

Mandy said...

I'm grieving for the family and for the fact that someone of 28 should not be dead. It's not right in the world.

I feel for his child and for his parents who should not be burying a son. I feel for the potential he had and the things he never did.

I'm in shock because I'm the same age and my contemporaries are NOT supposed to die.

adventure grrl said...

cl-pooh1972, I so feel for your loss, it's like we are in a secret club, I think, though it must be so much harder to lose a parent.

Surfergrrl, yes, everything you said is what I'm feeling.

Laura, how beautiful, thank you. And I'm thinking of you and so hoping you get better... but what a great attitude. I need that to rub off on me.

anonymous, your posts blows me away, "Just know that you have support stringing out all across the United States for you. People you have never met, spoken to, or seen...we are in your corner and we are here to support you." Thank you. Posts like yours make me feel incredibly lucky.

Mandy, yes, yes, yes. So sad.

I want to have that OPPOSITE feeling, "This proves we all need to live, live, LIVE." And I'll get there. Right now, it's just sad.

Two Date Diva said...

I had these moments of feeling sad a lot after my mom died. I would hear of the death of someone or of a friend losing a parent and it would be just like my mom died again. It was crazy, but it was just part of my grieving process, I guess. Hang in there.

mary said...

Caught up on your blog today. I've been visiting family and all that involves. My Mom is dating again after her 2nd divorce. It is not natural to watch a parent date. And then I have to eat dinner with the 2 of them and drag my 2 sweet kids along and try and act like I give a rat's ass about some new man. UGH. But that's a whole other story. Sorry.
Anyhoo, I Just wanted to let you know how I loved your recent posts, esp. the WW weigh-in one and your decision to put on your bathing suit and snorkle. BRAVO!!! 2 huge victories for you, adventure girl. Re-read those when feeling blue, you are doing great!!!
I always have dreams where I am liberated from this feeling of loathing for my body. I just happen to run in to some random star like Jon Cusack or "Jim" from The Office, and they don't even notice my pudge. They think I am charming and intriging and are drawn to me. It is heaven in these dreams where my body is a non-issue. I think it is a break my sub-concious gives my ever churning brain so I won't explode. So amazing. I want to be that person, who is not so tied to her thighs and muffin top. Maybe one day.
You rock adventure girl. Forge on ahead!