Tuesday, June 24, 2008

When You're Hiding Margaritas in Your Purse... It's Time To Look At Your Life

Life has been hectic. My new way of coping is to stay super busy so I don't have to think about being super stressed. I knew I was neglecting my blog because I didn't want to deal.

But knowing "not wanting to deal" has lead me to be confined to my bed, isolating from friends and eating a lot of string cheese, I thought I'd just journal like crazy and get it off my chest.

I went to one of my favorite Mexican places, Sunday, journal in hand. I ordered a margarita. Margaritas always make me tell the truth. Not always a good thing, like the time by BF and I had them and I ended up telling him I fake my orgasms. That was not a fun night.

Anyway, all the stuff I had to write about this Sunday was about family and the ability of my family to drive me bat shit crazy. I'll publish that entry one day. It's gut wrenchingly honest about how upset I am with my parents.

My Mom is either off her meds or no one is regulating them. She's the one who went to several different doctors to get all sorts of anti-depressents prescribed to her after my cousin died. She then concocted her own tiny meth-like lab in her house where she combined them in all sorts of varying degrees until it backfired an landed her in the emergency room.

That was a fun two months.

After one margarita the steam was pouring out of my ears. Why won't my Dad step up and do anything about this? Why am I the bad guy in all this? Why when I talk to my Dad about her erratic behavior am I called... wait, for it - "too sensitive?"

The things my mother says... they are not the things a mentally well person says to her daughters. Nevermind, that if she is acting this way with me, she is acting this way with everyone. My sister told me four months ago she was cutting off her relationship with my mother. I begged her not to. Why? I guess... I hate conflict. I would much rather ignore conflict. Can't we just all get along? Haven't we all gone through enough?

But the price of silence, of just going along with it, is really heavy. It's not making my Mom better and it's really affecting me and my sisters. There were a lot of reasons I broke up with my therapist. One was I just wanted to deal with my cousin's death more.

But when my friend C, a patient of my therapist, told me my therapist cried in a session with C because something they were talking about made her (my therapist) think of her son's suicide, I felt kinda reluctant to bring up David's death.

So I just paid out of pocket and went there and didn't say anything at all. I have taken politeness to a whole new level.

The other reason - she told me I would be more healthy if I didn't have a relationship with my mother.

I was not ready for that. I'm not ready for that now. Which is why, when I came to that conclusion at the Mexican restaurant, I ordered another margarita. Only, it was too strong. And I had to drive. But I'm thrifty and I had already paid for it. So... I went out to my car and grabbed a cup that I was carrying around for water. And I marched back into the restaurant, dumped my margarita in the cup and then tipped my waiter well for looking the other way and left.

I didn't come to any other conclusions about my family that day. Except that margaritas on a hot, frustrating day are delicious.

This blog is dedicated to waiters that look the other way.


Anonymous said...

I saw your blog on the two one five website!


the glitter kid said...

OK, I don't know what's going on but it won't let me use open ID when leaving you a comment. I've tried twice now!

I'm really sorry to hear about how things with your mom are. I hope she starts getting the proper medical care she needs.

Did you find a therapist that was a better fit?

Also, I really want a margarita now! :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to see you back! I want you to know that I (and I'm countless others) so appreciate and value your honesty and humor. Congratulations on getting in touch with your anger! And NO ONE knows when the time is right to adjust your relationship with your Mom but YOU. Inaction is action too, if that makes any sense.

Breathing deeply with you,

cl-pooh1972 said...

I'm glad you're blogging again. Reading about your mom makes me feel not so alone in dealing with my aunt... that's on my blog.

jessapoppy said...

I've missed you! So glad you're back and sharing with us. Hang in there, find your inner peace, and do what's right for YOU.

Cathy said...

Hi girl! Sorry to hear you are in this difficult place right now. Just wanted you to know that I understand what it is like to ponder a separation from a parent for your own wellness, mental that is! My dad was that parent for me. He was very toxic to me my whole life. and it took years of therapy and realizing that the more I was interacting with him the worse I felt.

But it is hard though, they are your parents and it is tough to walk away even if it means you may be better for it. I didn't totally walk away though but I did set up some boundaries for myself and really worked hard to stick to them. The only contact i really had with my dad over the past few years since I had cancer was through email and occastionally on the phone. Although now that he is gone I can't say that I don't feel guilt about that but I try to look at it as I did the best I could for myself and my own well being.

You will figure out what is best for you in time....


Cathy :)

TwinkleTwinkle said...

SOOO glad to hear from you! ive been missing your blogs so much!

you know that we are always here to give you advice (or a kick in the pants) when you really need it. You know you can share just about anything with us. I know that what your going through with your mom is a very private matter but sometimes its better to get it out there. u can ask our advice. sometimes its just easier to have someone tell u what to do.

but we will be here waiting and ready for whenever that day will come. in the meantime, just post about anything! we love to hear from you and i was getting worried when u hadnt posted in so long!

dont just waste away in margarita-ville! (teehehe)

luv u girl!

Anonymous said...

yeah, it's good to hear from you and hope you're doing okay!!! If you're still depressed (or if anyone else out there is and hasn't read this yet) you should check out this link: http://www.clinical-depression.
I found it really helpful for healing from depression. I'm not 100% yet, but went from a 20% to an 80% in about a month using that and EFT after 2 years of major depression. EFT is awesome and REALLY works - see: www.emofree.com for info.

Cheers & can't wait to read more posts,

RadoMom said...

Take your time Adventure Grrl! We'll be here waiting for you to blog when your ready. We all hit the rough patches and need a "well being break". Take care of yourself and hope to hear from you soon!

Anonymous said...

When your posts aren't making me laugh my ass off, they are making me look into my own life. I love this blog and I'm not really a blog person...