Sunday, July 20, 2008

Every Thing I Know About Love, I Learned From Reality TV

This blog is UPDATED for your viewing pleasure.

I once went out on a date with an aspiring TV writer. He asked me what TV shows I like and I guiltily admitted my secret love for reality TV. That's right. "Survivor," "The Bachelor" (not all cycles), "Real World," "Top Chef," etc. He scrunched up his face like I had just told him I like to eat baby Panda bears and then he said, "You're the reason I can't get a writing job." Ouch!

What he meant was, I represented all the people all over America who like reality TV and the more we like and watch reality TV, the more scripted TV goes away and it makes it harder for aspiring writers like him to get jobs. Then he got up in a huff and said he needed to have a smoke (aspiring writers are very stressed out).

He seriously kept me waiting for like twenty minutes, I guess so I could "THINK ABOUT WHAT I HAD DONE," so I had no other choice but to pay the bill and leave. That's when I found him, the stressed out aspiring writer who smokes, out in the parking lot. We said good-bye but not before he asked me to read his spec script.

The reason I love reality TV is it gives such awesome glimpses into the human (boy) mind that I really, really need.

Take "Flipping Out" on Bravo. Do you watch it? Because if you do, then you ended up LOSING your mind just like I did over this last episode. In the episode, Jeff the Boss, uses a nanny cam on his workers. It's then that he finds out that his house manager Chris has been goofing off all day on his computer and shuffling around in his personal stuff.

That would be no big deal to BUT...

After Jeff fires him, he has to explain to Chris' wife, Jenni, who is Jeff's assistant, what he caught her husband doing. When Jenni confronts her husband (who she has been DEFENDING all this time) Chris says he's not happy and NO LONGER WANTS TO BE MARRIED TO HER!!!


Here the lesson is clear: We as women cannot take hot guys (Chris) and knowing they have other dreams (he wants to act) try to domesticate them by putting them in a mind numbing office job where their main responsibility is to pick up dog poop and NOT think they aren't going to punish us by breaking up with us on national TV.

Then we have "The Real World." And oh, it's real! On this last season, in Hollywood, Will falls for Janelle until hottie Britney enters the house. Britney, knowing he has a GF, comes on to him anyway (I call her Bitch-ney 'cause I'm clever like that). This is what we call girl on girl crime, people. Don't do it ladies, it just makes you look desperate and ugly.

But that's not where the learnin' comes in.'

Will goes to Mexico with his room mates and hooks up with Britney. He calls Janelle to confess and she hangs up on him. Good girl! But then she calls him a few days later so they can "talk." Honey, you don't need to talk, he already told you everything you need to know!

But noooooo, Janelle needed to find out about his talent to fake cry to get out of trouble and his love of four-somes (yeah, I spelled it right) on national TV before she could kick him to the curb.

That's the next lesson, we all know it - actions speak louder than words. And when your man has his "actions" all over another woman, he's not serious about you. So move on before you are humiliated further.

Oh, if you are not watching "The Two Coreys," then you are literally giving up a half hour of free therapy every week! Those two have the best therapist and you can just take everything she says to them and apply it to your life. I know I do!

I especially love her "one on one" sessions to the extra fucked up Corey. "I'm not asking you why you want to be in love, I'm asking you why you DON'T want to be in love."

Precisely! You don't have to be a meth, crack or heroin addict with self-destructive issues and no chance in hell to ever work again to glean answers from questions like that. Just pull out your journal and get to it!

This blog is dedicated to getting to the real, that is you.


mrs.leah.maria said...

Holy.crap. I can't believe I missed that episode. Unbelievable that your date wanted to discipline you. :)

Nicole said...

Hilarious! Your blog cracks me up.

RadoMom said...

I LOVE reality TV. Although, it really feels far from "reality". I think it makes me feel better about myself!
Again, sorry for my "stoller mom breakdown" I spent 5 days recovering in Crested Butte. I'm much better now!

Anonymous said...

I confess. I'm a reality fan too. It does give some interesting insight into people.

Michele said...

Finally, someone who understands!
First, love Flipping Out. Love all of that crazy dysfunction.
Second, I always knew Chris was up to no good. There was just something so passive agressive about his smarmy "Yes, sir!" responses to Jeff that made me know he was screwing him somehow on the back end.
Ok, not THAT back end.
But WOW - who saw the Jenny/Chris split coming? Damn.
I cant wait for the next episode. And how cute was Finley? Where htye lived?

jessapoppy said...

You crack me up!! You're the best prescription for a "case of the mondays"....
I gotta catch up on my dvr!

Anonymous said...

What about Biggest Loset and Big Brother??? I'm appalled that you would forget them. Those are my two favorites. Big Brother has a hottie named Jesse on right now.

Chandra (thesleepycat) said...

Reality TV!!! Insert heart. My guiltiest pleasures are anything on E!. This post was so entertaining (as well as the rest of your posts! Sorry I don't come back here more often, whenever I get online again I always have a few to read! But that's fun too - I believe I compared it to eating a whole chocolate bar at one time rather than little pieces each day :D hehe) that I just had to nominate you for an award on my new blog.

Check it out for details! And way to go :)

it's not a gravy train said...

So please tell me you told your date to go to hell with his rude!!!

AND OMG with the two corey's crazy, craziness with free therapy.

HamsterWheel said...

This made me laugh my ass off. Is there "Reality TV Anonymous" cuz I need some. If you're already there, I won't tell anyone.

Michelle J said...

I do like Flipping Out! Jeff Lewis, to me, in some weird off the wall way, is attractive with all of his craziness and nanny cams, and the way he orders lunch! Whats up with that anyway??? Poor guys who work for him must have nervous breakdowns every day at noon when its time for lunch!!! :O)