Saturday, August 16, 2008

Adventure Bowl
Let's Pretend We're Brides!

Is your life stale? Boring? Are you stressed? Job, boyfriend, back fat got you down?

Then you need to pose as a bride because everyday in a bride's life is filled with sunshine, light and people falling all over you because you're special!

Let me back up... about a year ago, I went out for a girls night in which I thought we'd laugh, cocktail and flirt with boys.

But it only ever takes one girlfriend to ruin everything.

This girl wanted to talk about her wedding. (Eye roll) She swore she was "never one of those girls who really cared what kind of wedding she was going to have," yet the gigantic white binder that she lugged to the bar that contained all things wedding, begged to differ.

I waffled between faking an illness or drowning my boredom in another overpriced cocktail but I quickly perked up when I discovered this little fun fact:

Cake shops give wedding cake samples for FREE out to future brides.

Are you kidding? Not only do these women get toasters and salad bowls, regular married sex but they also get free cake? No way. I mean, what do these marrieds give back to society that I don't?


So I was totally psyched when I pulled the Adventure of posing as a bride for a day out of the Bowl. First, I whipped out my phone and my list of cake shop numbers and I worked the lines like I was trying to resolve a hostage crisis. This, after all, was very important work.

I had my whole cover story down. When was I getting married? October 25. Where would the happy event take place? Saddle Rock Ranch in Malibu. (They have horses there!) Who was the lucky man? George Kennedy. Not sure who that is, but I always wanted to marry a Kennedy.

And now I was.

Now here's the shocking revelation. No one cared. No one questioned. I was allowed, even encouraged, to just, "Swing by and pick up your complimentary box."

The added, "No appointment necessary," was like a lemon cake with raspberry filing practically begging me to, "Leave the car running and come and get me."

So I did. To one place and then two. I didn't even have to dress up. My cute matching track suit, wrap around sunglasses and knock-off designer bag gave me the quintessential, "Overwhelmed Bride On The Run" look I was going for.

I met up with my good friend and partner in crime so we could plot our next move. She asked that I please stop calling her my Maid of Honor. I told her if she wanted free cake, she would do as she was told.

Cake has a very powerful hold on people.

The next natural move, seemed to be to go to Beverly Hills and try on wedding dresses. But unless they're tea length, hot pink and bedazzled, bridal gowns aren't really for me. I'm more of a non-traditional girl. So instead, we decided to get our nails done "bridal style."

Not sure what that means, but I expect it to be free.

Then we would like to partake in some hors d'over-ing and complimentary champagne from hotels we were considering for catering. No wonder some people get married like five times!

We cruised over to a very chi-chi nail salon and let them know, I was getting married and would like a "complimentary" manicure pedicure. And I would like it away from the "common" people. Perhaps they have a VIP area?

NAIL SALON LADY: "That will be fifty five dollars."

"There must be a language barrier," I assured my Maid of Honor who wanted to get the hell out of there, fast. I turned to the Nail Salon lady and mustered all the courage I could.

ME: "I'm the bride, so... I get things for free... and on the wedding day, if I like the way you've done my nails, I'll bring you a lot of business."

NAIL SALON LADY: (EYE ROLL) "Fifty five dollars."

Seems my plan was foiled by a lady in floral polyester. Whatever. Time for free champagne and appetizers. But mostly, champagne! We had it narrowed down potential caterers to the Beverly Hills Hotel and the Bel Air Hotel. I called both first.

Apparently, they were in cahoots with the Nail Salon lady because they wanted a DEPOSIT before they do a tasting. "No, thank you. I'd just like to pick up my appetizers. Nothing with duck, please." I was politely declined.

I hasten to say... our bridal luck had run out. BUT WE STILL HAD FREE CAKE! Nothing wrong with that. So we headed over to Starbucks to partake in all our yummy samples, have a laugh and talk about the future.

That's when HE walked in.

HE of many, many years ago. The kind of guy that I had loved but if you asked him would say we were just "hanging out." And when I said, "I heard you moved to New York" he disdainfully said, "Yeah, I can't stand L.A." And when he said, "What are you up, too?" and I said, "Just trying out some wedding cake," and he wrinkled his nose is disbelief replied, "You're getting married?" like it was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard.

And rather than shove cream cheese frosting in his face, I said:

"Yes, I am. That's my Maid of Honor."

And thank God, my friend didn't say anything, her mouth either glued shut by loyalty or chocolate ganache frosting.

When he left, my Maid of Honor questioned what I would do if I ever saw him again, I thought about what my best friend since I was 14 told my arch high school enemy when she bumped into her a few years ago.

ARCH ENEMY: "How's AG doing?"
BEST FRIEND: "Great. She's a model now."

Even though I gagged on my Cosmo when my BFF told me that, I was secretly elated. But what would I do if I ever ran into arch enemy?

BEST FRIEND: "You hold your head high and tell her how fabulous Milan is this time of year."

That's what good friends are for. Not just to eat stolen wedding cake with. But to support you when you need to get back at someone that hurt you in a way only telling a little (big) white lie will.

This blog is dedicated to being silly.

If you like this entry, please send it around to some friends by using the little envelope icon below. If you do, men will fall at your feet and buy you steak dinners.


ValliCA said...

That was pure awesomeness! Brilliant idea! I especially loved the part about the smug dude from your past showing up. I'd looove to be able to do that. :)

sienna said...

That is hilarious! Almost better than pool crashing cuz there's cake. I love your blog!

Tw!nkleTw!nkle said...

WOW if i had my way, id switch things up a little and have my best friend tell my ex loser that im a model now. but hes best friends with my cousin and running into him looking like i do now welllllllll id have to shrug and say "hand model, duh."

this was a SUPER DUPER entertaining blog extravaganza :)

Amy said...

I love your blog so much. It really shows that all you have to do to shake up your life is be creative. You really seem so much happier and it's great to watch. :)

Call_Me_Toots said...

Wow...that is awesome. I am already married but I can think of a couple bakeries in town that I would want to get some free cake from.

Hmmmm...and an ex-boyfriend that I would like to think I was a model. You really have something here! :o)

Worth-the-Weight said...

You know, now that I'm married, instead of getting annoyed at people who persistently talk about weddings, I get annoyed at girls who think that pregnancy is something that you want to hear about every second.

I was at a batchelorette party for a friend and two of the women were pregnant and ALL they talked about was their pregnancy. I vow to not be one of those people....

Kelsey said...

You're adventures sound like soooo much fun. I have told all my friends about your blog, it's always the first one I check everyday. Keep it up! And thanks for making me smaile.

Anonymous said...

Long time reader, first time commenting. Just wanted to say thanks for all the great, funny, creative posts. You REALLY know how to write well!

I was shocked that you had spent so long in bed/being depressed b/c so have I. Thanks for helping me to open my eyes and congrats on all your fun and funny adventures!

Cynthia G.

Michelle J said...

Gotta say, i laugh everytime i read the words arch enemy! So funny, it sounds like a story out of a super hero movie!!

Great post!!


Surfergrrl said...

Free anything is great, right!! :) Ha ha! i love what your friend said.

Jody said...

My friend just got me hooked on your blog and I have spent the last 3 hours both laughing and crying. Your journey is both anmazing but also... I feel like you're reading my journal. It's really touched me, esp. everything about being in a rut at such a young age.

So, thank you.

Lola said...

Abso-freakin-lutely awesome! I am so loving your writing, but none more than this post. As a Wedding Planner I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to play the role so people will suck up to me for once. I think I'm gonna have to steal your "Adventure Bowl" idea though ... I could use the random acts of wild-woman sillyness. Keep up the great work! Lola

Two Date Diva said...

I think my friends and I might have a new breakup ritual. Instead of break up brownies, we can indulge in free cake! Hell yeah!

Kylie said...

This has to be my favorite adventure yet! And congrats on all the hits, you're site is getting huge. Just remember the little people that loved you from the start!

Obsessedwithlife said...

That sounds like a fun day! Disclosure: Even though I'm a new bride, I didn't sample cakes (I'm not a huge cake person)...I took a friend's word that it was great and got the cake from that place...So you got the cake I didn't eat! j/k.

And for the record, I rarely talked about my wedding :)-as you can tell by my blog, I tried to keep it to a minimum. Sure, it's a big deal but I realize, not too everyone else :).


mrs.leah.maria said...

Sharing this absolutely made my day.

Gemma said...

I love your spirit and sense of fun. I'm only 26 but I totally get the posts about feeling like you've gotten off track. Reading your blog makes me feel like I'm not the only one. And if makes me feel like I can do something about it, too!

myself said...

ok, seriously, a thing of beauty.

I love it.

Look out cake ladies.....

it's not a gravy train said...

ha ha, that is SOOOOOOO awesome. I am actually getting married on Oct. 25 so it was like a special post for me.

You know, call caters ahead and let them know the deets but say it is at your aunt jemma's house in bev hills that way they won't call the local to confirm.

I ate my fair share of free food with wine pairings with none being the wiser so it is totes possible.

Also, if you ever run into that dude again just say "oh my husband, he is in Northern California raising money for his second start-up"

AudaciousAria said...

That was hilarious, especially as I'm a new bride-to-be. I look forward to my free cake - they really give free samples? I had no idea..

Thanks for the giggle :)

Eve said...

I love your best friend--any chance she lives anywhere near Florida? This was hilarious. I so enjoy reading your page!

Midge said...

oh my god that's the best idea ever!!! I will be trying out the free-cake-for-brides thing here in Manhattan! They hafta do it here too right?? I have a girlfriend who needs to be dragged out of a routine and who doesn't like cake. Not to mention- hell I could use some free cake too! I think next weekend we'll be wedding cake sampling!! Thanks for the fantastic idea. Hope you don't mind if I borrow it. :)