Tuesday, December 2, 2008

How To Scotch Tape Your Dog To The Bed

I know I owe you a post about my unexpected in-town vacation. But listen, # 1, I have something else to blog about and # 2, I am so going to disappoint you my story about the ten man shower.

See... it was a shower that could fit ten men in it. At no time did it have ten men in it. Although at one point, me and this guy were in the shower together.

Only, he's gay and I was just showing him how awesome the view was from the bathroom.

Yeah, it's way sadder than you could ever image. I wish I had a better story. I wish I had slipped a Tylenol PM in some cute guy's drink down in the lobby bar and then used a wheel barrel to scoop him up and deposit him in my ten man shower - which by the way, had a built in bench in it because the things that are supposed to go on in the ten man shower - you need resting for...

Yes, I am aware of the orange level of pathetic-ness on this one. Hence, the not writing any more about it.

Here's the real drama.

My dog Cooper, who I have an admitted unnatural attachment bordering on a Maury Povich guest appearance, got really sick while I was gone.

Apparently, before he was dropped off at my friend's house (he could not come to the hotel with me because it's in the downtown area and he is so spoiled he does not poop on concrete), he ate one of my Thyroid pills.

I must have dropped one on the floor.

The signs of Cooper's trouble included, and I hope you are not eating your lunch, explosive diarrhea, throwing up, uncontrollable pooping on expensive couches, foaming at the mouth and hiding under a guest house.

I whisked him off to the vet and was mortified when the blood test came back the next day to say Cooper had eaten one of my pills. It was my fault. I was officially a bad mother. (Though I was so glad I had just given him a bath and cleaned his ears - to me that was the dog equivalent of wearing clean underwear to the hospital.)

There was a lot of guilt, crying, fretting, beating myself up. I was scared he was going to die. And I was so insanely grateful that he didn't. This dog means everything to me. In a way that could be used against me in a trial.

Now that he seems okay, of course, I am out of my mind with worry about what else might be lurking on the floor that I can't see that Cooper might eat.

That's when I came up with the idea of scotch taping him to the bed.

I think it's a good idea. Even better than dosing a cute guy with a Tylenol PM and kidnapping him via a wheel barrel into a ten man shower.

My pup's weak now, so scotch tape will work. As he regains his strength, I might need something more durable to tape him to the bed with. Like duct tape. Of course, that might hurt his fur so...

I'm thinking first, I put him in his sweater, then I duct tape him to the bed. Then I can just remove him in and out of the sweater so he can go to the bathroom when he needs to.

Then again, I could just... you know... vacuum my entire apartment.


This blog is dedicated to knowing it could have been worse. And having a little fun with something that scared the hell out of me. And mustard garlic pretzel bits.
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21 comments:

Brenda Susan said...

I truly love your posts! Your words a just so hilarious & real & fun & unexpected &...well, you get the point....I love reading you.

howitstarts said...

Oh gosh. My dog was sitting right next to me in bed while I read this post and the image of him duct taped to the bed was too funny.

Growing up, our chocolate lab ate all of the plastic straw out of an Easter basket and obstructed himself. Sometimes, you try your best and they still figure out a way to do something totally unexpected.

Two Date Diva said...

Holy crap, that would have scared the hell out of me too! I've often thought of duct taping my cat to the couch to keep her from running out side anytime the door is open.

forgetfulone said...

I would have been scared and feeling guilty, too, but he's going to get well. Great post!

Michelle J said...

OY VEY!!!

I am glad Cooper is all better!!! Duct tape is a good idea though!!

Make sure the duct tape matches his sweater though!

I'm just saying!!!

Tw!nkleTw!nkle said...

mmm pretzel bits.... now why did u have to go and mention those? now i must run to the store and buy them.... when i feel like getting off my butt...

ANYWAY, im sorry about ur dog! i have thyroid pills too so now i know to be careful about who/what gets ahold of them! im really glad that hes ok though.

u know, (reminded by howitstarts post) my lab ate an entire chocolate bunny on easter years ago... and nothing happened to her. i swear that dog has an iron stomach.

Rachie said...

I'm surprised he would eat a yucky pill! Some dogs are so funny--they'll eat anything. I'm glad to hear he's feeling better!

Andrea said...

Aww, your poor doggie :( I hope the little rascal is feeling better! Don't beat yourself up over it, k?

Noble Savage said...

My daughter drank some perfume when she was about a year old and the nurse I called told me to keep an eye out for signs of intoxication due to the alcohol content of the perfume. I told her that since my baby hadn't asked me to go get her some cigarettes and hadn't ordered a pizza that she was probably okay. The nurse was not amused.

Hilarious story, as usual. I hope your doggie is all better now. Don't feel guilty for too long.

Charmaine said...

Heavy sigh....no 10 naked men? I just need a moment.. I'll be fine.

Yes, scotch tape. I'm totally against vacuuming. Unless the housekeeper does it.

I don't have a housekeeper anymore...you can see the dilemma.

Glad the pooch recovered. Whew!

JIMSIGHT said...

As always funny stuff, 10 guys in a shower, they would all have to be gay. Just my opinion but hey.

Duct tape is good, but kenneling may be a better option. You know just a thought...

amber said...

Your poor dog! Love reading your stuff.

And, with that, you've been tagged: http://lamaestranueva.blogspot.com/2008/12/someones-reading.html

SSP said...

aawww mannnn that stinks! poor you and poor pooch (and poor friend with the expensive couch). You are not a bad mother, accidents happen (that is what they told mine, time and again). As far as vacuuming, did you read my post about my new $50 vacuum cleaner that sucks SO good?! I was shocked and disgusted by what i found on my floor - and I don't even have a dog!

10 man shower, eh? mmmmthe mind races on that one....

SSP said...

the good sucker was simply a Dirt Devil from Target - $49.95 plus tax.....and I just have to imagine what a Dyson would have found.....I am glad I didn't get a stronger one (thanks for reading my blog, by the way :-) )

Curtains said...

Your blog rocks my world. You made me laugh coffee out of my nose today.

GoGo said...

Your posts always cheer me up. I am sooooo glad your dog is okay. I'm seeing this one to all my pet loving friends.

JIMSIGHT said...

hey sorry about the deletes but I tried to put a web address on there for you and it wouldn't take it...hmmmm.....now if only I could remember what it was....LOL..

Anonymous said...

I just laughed SO HARD at this post - we have a mini Boston Terrier and the thought of him stuck to the bed inside his sweater... Priceless. Glad Cooper is on the road to recovery! - KG

FrostedDonut said...

I love your sense of humor - I always laugh at every post, it's so real and... I just relate to everyone. Thank god your dog is okay...

Bren301 said...

so glad he's okay, i was so worried, YET, a totally, hilarious story. you're writing is so amazing.

Sweetie said...

Coming by to catch up...been a while since I had a good laugh, and your posts always make me laugh.

Duct tape, huh? I have a friend who used that on a student once. I suggested velcro on the seat - that way, when the kid got up he/she would hear the rip and think it was their clothes.