Thursday, January 31, 2008

Depression Confession #2


This is why I'm a really Bad Person. Because I am weak. Because I email Bad Old Boyfriends.

I don't quite know what sent me in the direction, but I suspect it was alcohol and access to a computer. It happened in Kauai. It was just so beautiful and magical and every where you looked was another INSANELY IN LOVE couple holding hands, gazing lovingly at each other, kissing each other tenderly. I WANTED TO GOUGE MY EYES OUT I WAS SO DAMN JEALOUS.

And I was feeling lonely and missing, not just him, but the IDEA OF ANYBODY. And I had had 2 glasses of wine, 1 and a half Mai Tais and two beers. And had access to a computer. So I tickeled the keys and wrote that kind of email you write when you want to SEEM ALL UPBEAT, HAPPY, MYSTERIOUSLY ON VACATION AND LIFE COULD NOT BE BETTER & I AM IMPLYING, BUT NOT OUTRIGHT SAYING, "You should be soooooo missing me. Yeah! You should."

Of course, within minutes, he shot an email back to me. AND I LIKED IT. I liked it because it made me feel powerful and desirable and miss-able. All things I had NEVER felt in the relationship. (Yeah, I pick real winners, ladies.) I knew it was not because I WAS SO GREAT but because I AM A GREAT DISTRACTION.

I was his and he was mine. When we were together, we were in THE FUN ZONE. If we stepped out of The Fun Zone (deep talking, getting to know each other on "another level," tell me your deep, dark secrets, etc.), HE RESISTED, I PERSISTED, then fighting (us), crying (me), silence (him).

I have come so far in digging myself out of the DEPRESSION HOLE (there's only like 32 more feet to go and I can finally see daylight) that I don't know WHY I would do this (especially with someone that treated me so yuck-ily.)

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

It wasn't just the Mai Tais, I know there is some bigger meaning there and I have to figure it out so I don't do it again. Give me a day or two. I am also open to any theories you have or chastising you want to give.
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11 comments:

Surfergrrl said...

I couldn't possibly give you crap, because I've certainly have the urge to do it in this 4 months. How I've stopped myself I have no idea. I have to go through a script I wrote of why it would be a bad idea. It's a very long script. But the main reason? I WAS REJECTED! And I know I'm better than that...and I know there is no good that can come to me if I do.

And I hate those happy people in love too. Hate em! :)

but in an case, setbacks are totally normal.

Obsessedwithlife said...

You know...it happens. That's life. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. The right guy will come along one day and then you won't have to call or email this guy anymore...sometimes it takes a long time (I know, it happened to me!).

Melly said...

We typically contact people to SAY something. Your phone call to your ex is no different. There's a message you want to get across...

TO YOURSELF.

You're calling him to prove something to yourself. It might be "I'm over him", or "he's missing me"... "that new girl in his life has nothing on me - look at how fast he replies to my emails." Maybe you're trying to prove to yourself that you don't need him, or that you've still "got it".

Whatever feeling or message you're trying to get out of these phone calls, seek it elsewhere. Proving something to yourself rarely relies on someone else's response.

Want to prove you're fierce? Convince yourself first. The confidence will shine through to others. Want to know that you're moving on? STOP CONTACTING THE EX.

I don't care if you have to put a sign on your computer, home phone, cell phone, etc. that reminds you DO NOT CALL THE EX. Big signs, little signs, wallet-sized.. quit him like a Cinnabon addiction.

Then you can figure out what you're thinking about yourself that you're seeking for him to prove wrong.

wickedzil said...

Something I've learned from my own depression: when you've gone through a bad relationship, you don't tend to examine it too closely. You try your best to leave it in the past, and even though you're probably feeling a plethora of mixed emotions, you can consciously identify only one or two. Your impulse to email your ex seems like the urge to revisit the past, because sometimes you need to go back before you can go forward. I would even encourage you to explore what happened in your old relationships--from the good times and how they made you feel, to the bad times and how that's had a lasting impact on your life now.

The important thing is this: don't focus on beating yourself up over why you're looking back. Just let yourself look back, because now you have a new perspective and hopefully you'll be able to see things more clearly.

Maybe you need to dredge up all your old memories--especially the things you don't want to remember--so you can let them go and move on.

Anonymous said...

Well I think it's different for everyone, but I'll share about me.

I know the reason I have contacted ex's in the past is b/c of this... Probably 9 times out of 10 the ex will answer the phone, or call back or send back an email. They just will, they always do. And that is an ego boost for me. Part a feeling of being liked as a person / Part a feeling of having an ounce of control by knowing that they will still do that.

I may got shot back at b/c of this response, but I'm being honest with myself and with you guys (errr...girls).

ferretspaz27 said...

Hi!
I have been with my husband for about 20 years so I have not had this happen with and exboyfriend, but I have had this happen with a friend. My friend is in a relationship with a boy that obviosly doesn't love her. I know this because he tells my friend Seth all the time things that prove that he doesn't love her. She continues to be his whipping boy, they live together and she cooks, cleans and takes care of him. She used to call me all the time crying about how awful he treats her and I would tell her to leave him. I would tell her that if she was putting up with his horrible treatment because she had nowhere else to go that I have an extra room that she could move into whenever she wanted to. She would tell me that she loved him and she could never leave him. I never understood loving someone who treats you like SH**! Eventually I had to stop talking to my friend, it was alway drama. It was always about her. She couldn't even go anywhere with me anymore because she was waiting for this guy to come home so she could take care of him. She was supporting this loser because he quit his well paying job to play poker. I was really sad letting her go, it helped to erase her from my aim, remove her from my contact list in my cell phone, remove her from my e-mail contact list and finally delete her mii from my wii, dumping her persona in the trash made it final. I don't know if this helps but I hope it does.
Laura

Skye said...

It took me 3 years but I finally told my bad old boyfriend to take a hike. When some asshole has battered down your self-esteem (and let's be honest, when you've let them) it takes time to rebuild. Not too mention everything else you've been through. I had plenty of slips....emails, going out, only to be eventually beaten down yet again. It just takes time and patience......which is totally frustrating because who likes that? But when you do finally wake up and realize that all the times he made you feel unworthy and like you were a bad person for wanting to be loved were just covers for his own insecurities and his own relationship bullshit you'll feel a lot more like your old self. No one is perfect but there are also two people in a relationship. There is no one single person who caused the problems or let it fall apart. No matter what the circumstances surrounding the break-up. The symbolic steps like deleting the phone number and email and myspace etc are good. It sounds high schoolish but it actually is cathartic. After months of not being facebook friends my bad old boyfriend finally realized and sent me a message. It gave me the push I needed to finally tell him how he had made me feel and that I wanted him out of my life. It was amazing! One of the best feelings I've ever had. I truly feel I have moved on and it makes me incredibly happy! You;ll get there just be patient.

Two Date Diva said...

No chastising or crap giving here, just a big 'ol hug! I think we've all drunk dialed/emailed at some point. This is why I have instructed all of my friends to tackle me and sit on me if I get those notions. (And those bitches would do it too!)

Anonymous said...

it's because we can't help ourselves. especially if any type of wine has been involved. i drove by the ex's house last night, saw his new girlfriend's car in the driveway, and had a breakdown. it doesn't help. we must overcome our passing urges at instigating drama that's so unnecessary in our already drama filled lives!
xoxo
stupidslut

ferretspaz27 said...

Hi Adventure grrl,
You haven't posted in a couple of days, I hope you are ok. I check out yout forum everyday for inspiration and laughs.
Laura

RadoMom said...

We ALL have hit the sauce and computer wondering "What if". So you emailed him, big deal. Don't stress over it, then your back to square one. Todays a new day and he can go back to "Old bad boyfriend".....