Monday, May 5, 2008

The Weight of Weight
Part One

Let me break it down for you. I don't want to be a chunky monkey anymore. I WANT TO BE SIZE 8 AGAIN. I'll even take a size 12. I feel awful in my body right now and it stinks to go shopping and see summer dresses taunting me with their cute cuts and colors.

(Yes, I could buy one but if someone asks me when I'm "due", I WILL RUN INTO HEAVY ONCOMING TRAFFIC.)

So there's this girl named Melanie and she always gives THE BEST advice here on my sight. What I like about her is that she is a therapist but she talks to me in a way that wouldn't work with a regular patient because... um, I think it's against the law. Okay, I'm kidding. In therapy, I think the patient is always supposed to come to their own realization. But I don't want to come to my own realizations. That takes FOREVER!

When I read one of Melanie's comments it's always so REAL, DEAD ON - the way a girl friend would talk to you if there was no fear that you would never speak to her again. For instance, after I blogged about "Margarita Emailing" my ex, it's like she whizzed though my DSL line, came through the computer and hit me over the head with a frying pan.

She forbid me to contact him again, told me I was living in the past so I didn't have to face the future and threatened me with boldily harm if I did it again. AND I LISTENED!

Anyway, I have been struggling with weight issues ever since my cousin died. I haven't been eating right and I never work out. I'm the opposite of me.

I want to delve into these issues because of cute summer dresses and I just don't want to live this way anymore. So I asked Melanie if I wrote her a letter about this issue would she take some of what she has learned in her work and write me a "hard ass, tough love" response, unlike what I would get from my own therapist.

So here's the letter. In a day or two, I'll post her response.

Dear Melanie,

This is really embarrassing to admit but I have gained a lot of weight since my cousin passed away two years ago. I've gained, like a third grader... (do third graders weigh 40 - 45 pounds?) Maybe it's a second grader.

The thing is I know how to lose weight, eat less, move more. Put down the beer and bread and eat your veggies and lean proteins! The thing is, I just can't seem to want to do that or go to the gym. I used to be a gym hound. Five years ago, I was working a terrible job with a ton of stress and was at an all time high weight. Then I found my dream job and I wanted a dream life to match. I was in the gym five days a week, ate healthy and lost 60 pounds.

I never felt better in my life. But two years ago, after David was murdered, I was so depressed and I just didn't care what I ate or how much time in bed I spent. It didn't help that I also broke up with my boyfriend and lost my job.

I'm really feeling so much better and positive lately but I wonder - why can't I get back on my program again and get rid of this FAT ASS. I really feel like it's holding me back. I don't love going out or seeing people I haven't seen in a while.

I do wonder if holding onto the fat is so I don't have to move on. The idea of dating again kinda freaks me out, I wonder if the weight makes me feel safe from getting hurt again (okay, tearing up, that must be it).

I'm just in a rut and where I make everything else a priority, this, I totally push aside. Weight has always been something that my parents have been fixated on. My parents know I gained weight as a response of all the changes on my life but my Dad did ask, "Now that you feel better, will you be normal by the summer?" (Okay, tearing up again) I wonder if there is also some anger there and just wanting to be accepted for me.

Either way, the weight I am carrying is just not healthy, holding me back and making me uncomfortable.

Any advice?

This post is dedicated to pen pals.


the glitter kid said...

Oh, wow. I...don't exactly know what to say because your letter could have been written by me. And for the record, as a size 12, one of the children I babysit for asked me if I was pregnant. Unfortunately, we were inside and I was unable to run into oncoming traffic. It sure felt like I'd been run over though! Can't wait to see her response.

ferretspaz27 said...

Dear Adventure grrl,

I was tearing up reading your post, knowing that you have been so badly hurt made me want to as a mom hug you and tell you that you are loved no matter what size pants you wear. You are a valuable human being and you deserve to treat yourself better.

I told you before that I exercise with my son. I do it because I love it, it makes me and him happy. I don't do freeweights at the gym. I do rollerskates at a rink with cool music and lights. I do ice skating cause it is the only place on the planet that I feel graceful. I walk so I can look at every squirrel and pet every dog that I pass. When you are doing what you love exercise is easy. It doesn't hurt to have been told by many doctors many different times that you are on borrowed time. I want to experience all life has for me. I want to skate with my son so he will always remember skating with me. I want to pet every dog because it makes me happy.

I know that you are strong and you are growing wiser everyday and if your goal is to wear a smaller size pants you will do it, but is it your goal or what you feel will make you fit in better, be accepted for, because if it is you need to reavaluate yourself.

Enjoy your everyday, eat clean because clean food makes you feel better. Forgive yourself when you make mistakes ie: have a cookie. Tell yourself so what I had a cookie I am not going to let it snowball into a box of oreos, dust yourself off, and start again.

Ok, I have morphed into Oprah, sorry about that.


debbiedoesraw said...

AG, your post is up, come see!
It posted on the wrong date for some reason, but you are there!
thank you again, I loved writing about you!
love deb

cobaltblue said...

I can relate... I want to lose at least 5 more pounds before I go shopping for new, warm weather clothes. Right now, I have almost nothing to wear. I just got motivated a couple of weeks ago after not wanting to exercise or cut back on calories all winter. With me, one day I get motivated, and I just have to seize that and go with it. I hope you have one of those inspirational days soon, too! In the meantime, I totally sympathize with your frustration.

JessaPoppy said...

I believe this could've been written by me, too! Spooky! I can completely sympathize with you on many levels of this struggle and I totally have your back :)

I've struggled a lifetime with weight issues and being the "big girl". My mom always made comments when I dipped my hand in the cookie jar ("Do you really need that??")and the worst was when she bought clothes 2 sizes too small! Can you say "closet eater"???? Thanks, Mom.

I recently had a lightbulb moment in December and haven't looked back. Everyday is a fight, but it's one I'm finally willing to participate in (like a champion). Let's do this together!! For US!

Thanks so much for opening your heart to us. You're the best.

Searching for THE ONE said...

WOW, I completely understand where you're coming from. I woudl love to be a size 8 again! My weight gain was caused by a medication. And it doesn't help that my family continually tells me how big I've gotten (which is actually fairly average by today's standards). And I just got invited to a wedding, and the cute summer dress I want, I know will make me look cowish! I can't wait to see her response!

Surfergrrl said...

I really wish i knew what to say but I don't. Do you think maybe you are afraid of failure if you start and that would somehow prove your mother "right" about you? Are you afraid that maybe if you lose weight then you will be satisfying your mom and that is the last thing that you want to do? I'm not sure. I do think there is something "blocking" you, which i'm sure you are aware of...but maybe you're not sure what the blockage is...and maybe that is what you need to get to the bottom of?

I don't have weight issues, but I can relate to doing thing that you shouldn't do because they are harmful to for me, spending money when I shouldn't. I know what I "have" to do, but I continue to choose to make mistakes. Know what I mean?

adventure grrl said...

The Glitter Kid - I am so sorry that happened. Oy! I also wonder what it says about kids - their expectations at such a young age of what "fat" and "thin" are. In my fantasy world, you dangle that child over a fence of hungry puppies and they imediately learn their lesson. I kid, I kid!

Ferretspaz - Your so sweet. You are now my FerretOprah and I love it! "Do something you love as exercise." I like it... and I love to ice skate. Thanks again!

Debbie Does Raw has made my head swell with her sweet profile of me on her sight (blushes, tears up)

Colbaltblue, Okay, I want to be you! I want just five pounds to lose. You lucky, lucky girl! But I totally get you on waiting for that inspirational day to come. I'll let you know when it does. xox

JessaPoppy - You are my girl! Do you feel like sharing your light bulb moment? It might help some of us here (Okay, me!) If it's too personal I understand.

Searching for the One - oh, the dreaded dress for a wedding. My heart goes out to you. As for your parents getting on you about medicine weight gain - MELANIE AND HER FRYING PAN WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT!

Surfergrrl - you totally get it. the shopping is just filling up a hole just like food does. I know that because when I lost 60 pounds my credit card bills went higher and higher. I just traded one numbing past time for another. I love being so aware - now I want to go to the next step and do something about it!

anji said...


Are you inside my head or something? 'cause you wrote what I feel.

I am slowly coming to the realisation (haha, see? it's true, we DO get to the answer eventually but isn't it great for someone to just come up to us and say, "You're fat 'cause you're hiding. Now, what are you hiding FROM?") that I'm really fat.

I'm 250 pounds. Here's how I gained weight.

I gained 20 pounds in grade 7 'cause my dad hurt me and I went to court for it.

I lost it doing it unhealthy.

I gained 50 pounds in highschool 'cause my friends moved away.

I lost 30 pounds because just after college I learned to love myself.

I gained 20 pounds because the love of my life wouldn't marry me after 2 years of dating and so I broke it off... and he then met some other girl on the internet and asked her to marry him on their second date, the fourth time they saw each other they got married. Okay, so I gained 30.

I lost weight because I learned to love myself (again).

I gained weight when I got injured. Gained more when my dad had a stroke. Gained more I got depressed 'cause I couldn't wipe my ass from my injury. So I cut my hair, made myself ugly, and gained more weight. My best friend and roommate tried to kill herself and I found her. Then, my uncle was crushed to death that same week.

At some point I stopped living...

Quit my job a few months later, gained some more weight.

And here I am, 250 pounds, miserable and... writing my life story on your blog comments section.

Why am I writing this? because, it took me FIVE years to get to this week. What is different about this week?

I learned to love myself again. I learnt (finally) that God still loves me... I learnt that my family loves me no matter what (even those who struggle to communicate well with us)... I learnt that it takes time to get into the right headspace when overcoming hardships... and finally, I learnt I am able to open myself up to someone else, who loves me unconditionally... no matter if i am fat or thin, injured or uninjured, jobless or gainfully employed... and that the only thing that fat does, is make me unhealthy... I can't hide under it because the person I've been hiding most from and who I need to open myself up most to is... my own Self.

I am going to be okay. And so are you. Reveal yourself to your self... it's okay :)


P.S. hope this doesn't sound like, wacky :D

the glitter kid said...

thanks for the comment!

for the record, I wish I could throw these kids to some hungry puppies sometimes. I mean...I would never think such awful things! ;)

JessaPoppy said...

Wow, anji, that was powerful. It made my eyes swell and I felt you! Thanks so much for sharing with us. Adventure grrl, I'd love to tell you and everyone else about my lightbulb moment and will do so as soon as I have a bit of time to "go there". You all are the bestest.

Anonymous said...

big hugs to everyone! I try not to get too mushy but you guys always make me feel so much better. Thanks AG and Anji for sharing!

The Glitter Kid

Anonymous said...

Anji and Adventure Grrl,

and everyone else

My mom used to tell me growing up that I could cry until it stopped hurting.

I think that's such an important thing to remember. Crying about the things that hurt us deeply is cathartic. It allows us the breakthroughs that are required to move on and find new hope and renewed belief in our own selves. It's important to mourn and feel the impact of events that cut to the it death, a break-up, losing your job, skinning your knee ;).......whatever it is that makes you want to cry you should. I think society has made us all believe it's important to be strong and tough and face all of life's obstacles and hardships with this hard shell.....but sometimes that's not possible. Sometimes we need to feel the situation in order to process it.

I'm very motivated and inspired by both of your personal breakthroughs. Just remember that while on your journey, when you feel it hurting, it's ok to cry until it stops hurting. It'll help you get farther down your path if you allow yourself to feel it.

Thank you for your openness and candor. It reminds me I'm not alone either on these issues.


adventure grrl said...

Hey Skye -

Coming to your comment a little late - but thank you. I wish my Mom hadn't taught us in stead to push everything down and slap a smile on. That crying was showing a sign that she might might be a bad mother and we could never have people think that.

So now, I'm taking YOUR Mom's advice, though it's hard. My first instinct of I'm going to cry is to purse my lips, stifle it and do something to distract me ASAP. But... it's not working for me because then the bad feelings are IN me instead of OUT of me.

OUT is better so I'm gonna work on that. THX for the comment! :)