I LOVE how profound I think I am when I have too many margaritas. Margaritas are you see, my truth serum. So I had many... many for me Saturday night and I wrote kind of, what seemed to me the most truthful, insightful, meaningful post of A LIFETIME.
Then the next day with out reading it, I took it down - mostly, I was too afraid I had been too honest about some aspects of my life. But reading it today, I see it really should have been taken down for self-indulgent navel gazing and bad grammar.
The gist was... that after experiencing this giant fall, of which I have been told by many doctors, that I am lucky to be alive and even more doctors, that I am lucky to not be paralyzed - after all that, why am I not like, traveling the world, having bikini waxes in Brazil, my hair braided in Costa Rica and laying out on Diddy's yacht in the Seychelles?
How many more life changing moments do I need in life to move, move, move?
Here's an excerpt of what I wrote where I'm frustrated that I am trying to convey to friends that I feel like something is missing but no one, perhaps because of their fears of their own lives, wants to engage in any kind of deep meaningful conversation.
"I am frustrated because I feel like I am reaching out to friends to say, I can't stand this way of life... I'm in on the secret, IT COULD END AT ANY TIME and yet -- they just smile politely as if they don't know what I am talking about. As if I am having a tantrum and if they just ignore me it will all blow over.
Is anyone getting what I'm feeling? I feel really alone, like I want to BUST OUT but there is no support, like to be my own, STEAD FAST, DETERMINED person. It would not be supported AND the fact that I might be alone pursuing this new life... makes me afraid.
Is anyone getting what I'm feeling?
There's more to write. The short version is, as I have been telling friends, I want to quit my job and move and try to live the life I would live if I weren't so afraid - I AM GETTING SOOOOO MUCH RESISTANCE to that. And it's making me feel resentful but it's also working because it is nagging at my deepest insecurities.
So I will leave you with that and I will write more soon.
But I'd be interested to know, do you ever feel like friends hold you back? Because of their own fears? Or is it jealously that you might make your life better while they are not ready too?
Share!
PS, some of you asked me to add a "Follow" button so you wouldn't miss any more drunken rants! Please follow!
20 comments:
peep peep
This makes total sense to me...
I love your incredible honesty and I really hope you put that post back up.
there is still no way to follow your blog, unless I follow on twitter, which I don't do, or "subscribe" which I don't want to do.....Wish you would just show up in my blog roll, like you used to! Sorry I missed the post
Thanks you guys. Even though I think I am being honest 100% I am... scared to even reread what I wrote last night and that is after much Chardonnay tonight. Oh, dear Lord, maybe tomorrow :)
you've been added to my reader -but it didn't catch the post. Perhaps you'll do this gal a favor and email it? OHthnxXOXOX!
It's nice to see the excerpts. :)
I think your friends are acting the only way they can - using their own experiences to guide their way.
Meanwhile, you my dear, have had many benchmarks. Many life experiences that shout: DON'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!
At this time in your life, with very little holding you down - no mortgage, no significant other to choose between, no children.. this is the BEST time to follow your intuition. Be wise - maximize what you'll get back in life by the risks you take. As you may have noticed - bad things can happen no matter how boring you make your life. :)
Live it UP. Your friends will still be there, cozy in their state of untouched, unblemished life plans. They'll catch up when life hits them hard too - but we don't wish that on anyone, now do we?
Be proud, that's a big step. Keep facing your fears.
Good for you!!! Love ur blog!
I can relate to what you wrote, and I'm just as scared. But let's vow to keep writing, and keep living the shit out of life and do the stuff we want to do!
This is a test to see if you can move beyond your fear and the fear your friends are putting on you to really make the choices YOU want to make for yourself.
It sounds like your friends might be afraid of their lives without you, just as you are without them. I think sometimes when people hold each other back it's not because they don't want to see the other succeed, but rather that they just wish that the other could get to a good place in their life while still living close and being together. They probably need you as much as you need them, so maybe a little love and reassurance will help them support your changes? This is from my own experiences on both sides of relationships anyways. Sorry if it doesn't apply.
In my experience it's jealousy that will lead friends to attempt to direct your life. It's hard to realize that, but the sooner you can get away (and stay away) from messy friendships the better it will be for you. And when you're in a better place I can promise you will be blessed with friends that are even more equal to what you need and deserve in life.
I always daydream of just living nyc and moving to some small town and drink lemondade on a porch...I know I will never actually do this but it IS nice to dream.
Sometimes I feel like my family doesn't get me. They see for who I was, instead of who I am now...
Your blog is so honest and it always relates to something that is going on in my life. I think you know the answer here about your friends. I hope u trust your instincts and go for what u want.
You guys are awesome!!! Thanks so much for all the helpful, thoughtful comments!
There's comfort in the status quo.
I am sooooooooooo happy that jamie featuerd you and that I found your blog!! I LOVE IT! :) I totally needed this post too~ It is simply hard to find people who feel the same or wont turn off the tv and LIVE! It is driving me crazy~!I would love to meet one day and do something fun and adventurous together! Maybe we could collaborate on a project in the meantime! I lost my mom to brain cancer almost a year ago and it was so devastating, but she truly lived her life and I want to live mine. So that is what I am trying to do, but people don't understand and they seem to want to hold you back. It is so odd~ Anyways, thank you for being so amazing and inspiring! my blog is www.iamrenasdaughter.blogspot.com
email me if you ever want to!
tiffb123@yahoo.com
I've definitely felt held back by friends, but not because of their fears, but more their lack of motivation. Eventually, I started slowly weeding out the people I felt were either bad influences, held me back, or just weren't good friends anymore. It sucks, but I don't regret it.
It's your life and you need to do what's best for you. It sounds selfish and maybe it is, but at the same time you shouldn't have to be made to feel as though you can't do the things you want in life.
i don't think it's jealousy, i thnk they/most people just don't know how to deal w/ friends or loved ones emotional talk or talk about life. most people respond this way, they are either too selfish to engage in that kind of conversation or truly don't have any advice for you. i think they are so lost themselves or just plain don't have any advice, not that you should hold them up to that standard. anyways, i like your blog, your writing is so fun but if you are looking for something to 'fill you up' that emptiness, turn to 'the way, the truth, and the life' which is Jesus. you should give Him a try, you will be pleasantly surprised. :)
again, you are a great, fun writer.
cindy
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