Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Adventure Bowl
UPDATED With Sordid, Embarrassing Details Of Getting "Down There" Waxed

Scroll down :) The UPDATE is in purple, below
Good Lord, I cannot believe this was EVEN in the Adventure Bowl.  I am so embarrassed.   No, seriously... I know some people think this is "no big thing."  But for me, I am having a case of the "throw ups" right now thinking about it.

They make you put your legs over your head!  They come at you with hot wax.  Can you get some sort of airborne VD from doing this?  Ugh.  I would have killed to pick sky diving over this.  The ripping and the screaming... I can only imagine THERE WILL BE RIPPING AND SCREAMING!  

I'm just not big on... having "it," you know, my lady bits out there for someone to see.  I cringe at the gynecologist.  My gynecologist once even complimented my vagina in front of an intern and I swear I wanted to run in front of a truck from embarrassment.  

I know that's why I put this in the Adventure Bowl.  Because it is OVERLY WEIRD to be this concerned about getting your "ya know" waxed.  It is.  This is something, we do for ourselves... like a pedicure.  Right?  Right?  (smaller voice)  Right?

So should I prepare in any way?  Should I have a glass of wine?  I would like anesthesia, I will tell you that!  They should provide anesthesia the first time.  And all times after that.

Okay, today is the day I will take my waxing virginity.  If you have any advice or a funny story leave it in the comments.  In the meantime, I will be packing a bag of ice and a bottle of screw top wine. 


What is going on with you ladies?  Why did each and every one of you NOT fly immediately fly to Los Angeles to save me from the CRAZY pain that is having your, um, you know AREA waxed????  I would have flown to you.  I would have have chained you to a very HEAVY piece of furniture or better, nailed you by your outfit to the floor.

They yanked EVERYTHING off.  Everything!  And while, I kind of love it... I'm not going to lie, it hurt only 2nd to having my shoulder dislocated.  Maybe not even 2nd, maybe 1st!  Because at least with the shoulder, I was in an ambulance and then soon after they shoved that shoulder back in at the hospital - THERE WERE COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF DRUGS.  (And a set of free slippers).

Okay, I'm not going to get graphic (yes I am).  But stuff is fragile down there.  And pouring hot wax all over it and then yanking, the yanking!  Good Lord.  It never stops.  They just keep going, even if you are SCREAMING.  

And there were tears because IT HURT.   But the waxer don't stop.  She just keeps going.  Like they're torturing a POW or something.  Yes, I saw her wry smile.  This was making her day.  She loved me wriggling around all helpless and trying to get away from her.

"You can stop if you like."  No, I would not like.  I mean, I would but I can't think of anything worse than this job only half way done.  And also it was that challenge, like I was a big baby (which I was) and if I'm challenged on something, I can't back down.

My pep talk to myself:  "Okay, Loser, man up.  You got staples in your head with no anesthesia but you can't even-- (YANK!)  Owwwwwwwwwww."  (Tears).

And the worst part... we're supposed to tip these people.  With money.   

So for any of you going to do this, drink a lot of wine, don't wear jeans and know that I'm very "anti-pain" so don't let my experience deter you in any way.   Because you will look pretty and feel sexy in the end.  

But you might also have nightmares for years.  LOL 




Cass said...

It's definitely scary, but I think the scary part is the anticipation of it. If you go to a place that specializes in that kind of waxing they know what they're doing and it won't hurt as bad as you thought it would be. Plus if you do it on a regular basis it doesn't hurt as much as the first time.

Take some Advil 30 mins before your appointment and it should be ok. :-) I was mortified before my 1st appointment (last month) and it turns out I didn't need to worry so much. I have another scheduled next week.

amber said...

omg, I cannot wait to hear more. i'm a virgin, too. of waxing lol.

Classy Fab Sarah said...

GOOD LUCK!! I too am a waxing virgin.

Erin said...

This post just made me cross my legs a little tighter. I think I'd seriously need to go under general anesthetic to get this done, though maybe that's just cos I have an overactive startle reflex and I seriously cringe not only at the amount of pain that would cause, but how much it would make me jump (and probably the poor person doing it jump too). Oh boy. All I can say is good luck and this is seriously WHAX, but in a good way.

Freestyle Mom said...

Ok dude, seriously? Before I lost my job, I totally used to get my junk waxed on the regular. It hurts, but it's worth it. I loved it.


I would like to know exactly *what* they were complimenting... the symmetry? The shape? The size? The color? The shave-job? I mean seriously... what the fuck? Was this a male or female doc? OH, THE QUESTIONS!!!

Bitten Usagi said...

I've been wanting to get mine done but like ya said, it's bad enough having your gyno down there!

Dancing Nancies said...

Tell us the rest? How was it? LOL can't wait to hear!

Lynda with a Y said...

Holy crap! Better you than me. I would certainly have a glass of wine beforehand, maybe even a shot of tequila.

Classy Fab Sarah said...

Hahahaha this is amazing. You're so brave!

Now, is there residual bruising? Soreness?

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. But now I'm scared... still, love this!


Anna said...

YIKES. Now I'm officially scared to death to ever have it done! Thank you for saving me.

adventure grrl said...

Okay, waxing VIRGINS! You can do this too. You just have to call ahead and ask for someone who specializes in us "virgins." That's one big mistake I made. Also, you can have them use "hard wax" (which I learned later) is much gentler.

Basically, just don't go to someone who is having a bad day and taking it out on you LOL - like I felt! (extreme exaggeration :)

Jamie said...

LOL, I'm sorry girl but this is funny stuff. I've never done it and can't imagine having it done but good for you! ;)
I love the way you tell the story. Hee-larious. You are brave!!!! xo

LilPecan said...

Good Lord! I think I'd rather remain fuzzy!

Hoppalong said...

This made me laugh my ass off. I love your blog. Glad the Adventure Bowl posts are back up, they are my favorite.

Alyssa said...

LOVESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS IT. I cracked up through the whole thing. You are one funny lady.

Sherene said...

Yes, I definitely second the hard wax. I was really shocked to hear friends describe horrible pain and bruising from their brazilians - something I've never experienced - then we figured out they were getting the soft wax. It makes all the difference, truly!

FMC-Girls said...

Dear My Hero,
Good God, that sounds awful. But it's good to know the truth, not the whole, "It's not bad." lie they tell you, even as they walk strange for a day later.
I've never gotten this done, but I applaud you in your bravery and it had me laughing, sick as that is. You're blog is inspiring me.

Jeannie Stewart said...

I'm inspired! (To never, ever, have my girly bits waxed)

I second the questions regarding the gyno complimenting your va-jay-jay... what. the. fuck?

Karen said...

Have you gone missing? And what happened to the blog here? Either you posted something & now it is gone OR I DREAMED there was something posted & that scares me since I actually don't know you & think it would be strange to dream about your blog...lol!!
Clear this up as soon as you are able, thanks. :)

Anonymous said...

I had this done once, and I sounded about the same as you after I had it done! Yikes! The lady who did mine was mean though.