"Never mistake motion for action." Ernest Hemingway
Wow. Here's what I wrote on my Facebook for 100 Days in Bed...
"Whoa... this is me, I think I will blog about it tonight. I AM moving but am I getting enough done? No. The chaos (distracting myself with ridiculous errands and list making, etc.) serves me because I am in "big decision making" time and I'm scared. But if I'm frantically busy with nonsense then I won't HAVE to concentrate the "real" and "necessary." So... I will put up a post later about this. Anyone feel the same?
Do you distract yourself with busy work as a way to push the bigger decisions out of your mind?"
Part 2
So here I am. Very aware that in order not to focus on things that would be BIG LIFE DECISIONS, I distract myself with things are not as equally as important in the moment. I want to go live in New York for a bit of time to see if that is where I would like to live.
The idea was to be there by Sept. 15. Then I got a big meeting. The date September 13. Hmmm. I mean, I can't put off meetings that are about my lively hood but I wonder... what will come up next? Another meeting, another series of meetings? In getting ready for these meetings, I often do 40 - 60 hours of preparation to pitch a show.
But it began to dawn on me, I could, by that time, be very deep into writing the script and have that handed out. Is that the better decision? Will I make that decision? When?
Because I know what's going to come, "Can we move the meeting?" Or "We like it, can you come back the 1st of October and we'll discuss it at length?"
For me, writing is my love and that's what I want to do. But I don't love this city. I'm quite bored with it. Bored sounds so arrogant... "This city bores me." No... it's just that I KNOW BETTER now. There is a bigger life out there for me than just sitting around and talking about TV show ratings, what the Networks are "looking for."
Now, I've tried to infuse my life with things that are greater than me. Donating blood and getting tested for being a donor for a bone marrow transplant. Then I got involved with promoting an organization that helps kids with severe burns go to camp. I'm "Love Bombing" people. Have you heard of that? Check out their website.
So I am trying to counteract the things I don't like about this city by doing things that I think separate me from LA.
But still, I'm off track... I know what decision I have to make - "motion is not action." I did not know that. Man, have I been fooling myself. Redoing my bedroom and living room and taking pics in hope someone will sublet STILL does not get me to New York. It's all this movement "Move the couch this way, should I get more plants, you this couch makes the living room look so much bigger..."
It's all meaningless until I say, "I'm going" and if meetings come up, I fly back for them.
My sister is in New York. I'm certain that she has flown to Vegas and bet against me. She knows I put work first, myself second. She listens to my "plans" and just says, "yeah" and "that's nice." She doesn't think I'm coming.
I WANT TO. I just have to stop the nonsense and the distractions and MAKE A REALLY DECISION WITH A REAL DATE.
Fear, change, out of my element, leaving my friends, finding out that moving to a new city is still not the answer, confusion, excitement, don't want to have any regrets...
Have any of you made big life changing decisions? How was it? Is all my hand wringing normal? What do you do when you need to make a big decision? xoxoxo
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16 comments:
Erin said...
I love that you blog so honestly and I give you all my love, because though I don't know you, though you are supposedly a "stranger" to me, I feel so connected with and inspired by you every time I read your blog. I feel such a great amount of love and admiration for you and your writing, the courage you have and the things you do. I have no doubt that you still feel a great amount of love for those you have lost in your heart, and I think that as long as you feel that love, your cousin is still here... not physically, but here and with you nonetheless.
Thank you for continuing to tell your story so well, albeit through an old post. Much love. xo
September 3, 2010 4:14 AM
Tiffany said...
Wow, I second what Erin said~ I could not say it better myself!! :)
You're amazing!
September 3, 2010 7:01 AM
BloodRedRoses said...
I've read this post before, and reading it again only confirmed the fact that you are an amazing lady.
Amazing!!
September 8, 2010 6:02 AM
I didn't want to be disrespectful to Erin, Tiffany and BloodRedRoses who were so sweet to comment on a republished blog. So, I put those comments here, hope that's cool. I LOVE when you guys take the time to comment!
I do have to say that you truly are a writer. From one writer (at heart) to another, I enjoy reading your posts. And I love the picture quotes as well!
Feel free to follow my blog as well!
I can't wait for you to post the rest of the story. Hurry!
totally, completely, utterly, normal (the hand wringing and postponing...) that being said, my mantra has been "all i need to do is get ON the plane." here is what i mean... the moment you chose to take even ONE step towards the direction you want to go in, suddenly doors open, suddenly the entire universe shifts to help you attain your goal. all you have to do is: get on the plane, quit your job, travel to antarctica, start an organization, x, y, z. the time will never be "right"... you will always have a meeting to go to, a plan you must keep, a cat that can't be left alone. all those huge, insane plans that you dream of doing, will never happen if you keep waiting for the right time. the time is now. this is your life. today is the day. nothing worth living for was ever easy. it takes courage to take that first step, but once you realize you have the guts for that first one.... then you'll keep right on walking. you can do this!
GOD! This is like, my FAVORITE comment of all time that anyone has ever left.
"the time is now. this is your life. today is the day. nothing worth living for was ever easy. it takes courage to take that first step, but once you realize you have the guts for that first one.... then you'll keep right on walking."
That's some straight up WISDOM right there. Damn.
This is such a great post and the comment from Neen just blew me away. I get so inspired here. Thank you for that. Good luck on all those decisions.
If it's the time, it's the time. Can you do what you're doing from where you want to be even if it's inconvenient (ie, if you can just fly back every once in a while and don't actually have to be in LA to do it)? If so, go.
I had to get my ass outta san diego and everything just fell into place when I discovered austin and it was two months from considering it to setting foot in my new apt. Last year I had thought it might be time to move on, and NOTHING was working. This year, I got a great opportunity I would never have had by staying here. The universe tells you what to do I think - sometimes you just have to listen. :)
Sometimes we just have to step out of our comfort zones and just Do the Do. It doesn't always work, but at least you know you tried.
This year my husband applied for a job in the Falkland Islands. (Tiny islands of the coast of Argentina.) It wasn't quite a whim, but it was quite spur of the moment. The opportunity came up, we thought about it, decided what the hell, and did it. It didn't pan out in the end, as the person whose job he was going to replace decided they didn't want to leave after all.
We were gutted about that. But at least we knew we tried. (I do think that if the person hadn't decided to stay, Neil would have had that job. And we would be in the Falklands now.)
If we had gone over there, it might have been an unmitigated failure. And we would have come back to the UK. We don't know now, but at least we tried.
What is ACTUALLY stopping you doing this? Sometime life is a pain in the butt and stops you, but mostly, it is usually something you are doing. (Or not doing.)
Go, go now. Leave your flat (apartment) for a month, take your dogs and stay with your sister in New York. See what happens then...
DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.
I feel the same way about LA and that's why I'm not there right now. I've spent way too long thinking LA is the only place I can do anything I want to do, and ignoring the fact that it's not where I want to BE. I'm dating places - right now I'm in DC, and I'm going to Denver, Portland, Houston, Austin, NYC and Boston this month. Just do it. Get on a plane and go. Make your life what you want it to be, in whatever small increments you possibly can. Do it NOW.
xx
Take the LEAP, the rest will come!
Mary
To be honest, it sounds like the biggest regret you'll have is not taking this opportunity! Go for it.
And thanks for reposting my comment. :)
Reading this post I kept thinking to myself "wow. This sounds just like me" Maybe it doesn't make you feel better but you are SO not alone. I think it's the doing it that is both the easiest and the hardest. That simple act of just doing it seems to be the hardest part. (at least for me)
In July 2003 my husband and I saw an article in the SF Chronicle travel section about the "Sunshine Coast" of British Columbia.
We thought it sounded cool. Visited the place in Sept. Went back in November and put in an offer on a house. By the end of Feb 2004 we were living in that house.
Now we're Canadian citizens.
A friend of mine once offered a guide to making decisions: What is the worst thing that can happen if you go to NY? You don't like it an decide to move back...or to Austin...or? Go go for it.
I gre up in LA and I lived in NY for 12 years. Loved NYC.
Michelle: I've been to the Falkland Islands (on my way to Antarctica). It's beautiful in a windswept austere sort of way. And more British than the Queen. Still a lot of ordnance around from the war, so you have to be careful. I thnk I'd like it for a year or so but it truly is The End of th Earth.
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