Friday, July 23, 2010

I'm Predicting One of the Most Uncomfortable Moments of My Life Will Be Happening Tonight

Posts of late have been kind of heavy, as I navel gaze so deep, I think the C-5 and C-6 of my spine are fused together. Let's just tell funny stories! Oh, I know one! It's about me getting so drunk the last time I was home, that I am literally LITERALLY going to have one of the most awkward nights of my life.

Like my stomach is flipping and legs getting weak just glimpsing the horrificness of the this metaphorical car crash I have set in motion.

So 2 months ago, I'm in Brooklyn visiting my sister and we're going out to see this band with all her friends. And I can't say what made me do this, except for the fact that, knowing I didn't have to drive home and worry about killing anyone, I ordered a martini.

Then people were buying me martinis. I often become popular in a bar, what can I say? So now, I am completely f'ing high on vodka and my cousin introduces me to her new boyfriend (she lives in NYC, too.)

Now, before I start talking about him and this horrific sitch I got myself into (and no, we did not end up making out in the back room, get your smut mind out of the gutter), let me tell you a little about my cousin, just to set the scene and possibly, when you learn more of my horrificness, lay the groundwork for you not hating me so much.

My cousin is a baby in a 20 something body. Example: Her parents who live 200 miles away, drive her groceries to her in NYC. Do you really need to hear more? I can give you more examples but really, does that not cover it? She calls her Dad with a list. "Don't forget toilet paper." I'm not kidding.

Now, if you want your child to thrive in NYC, your child who already lives 3 doors down from her job and is probably already not meeting a lot of new people - perhaps you should NOT treat her like a four year old with a learning disability. Let her wag her ass to the grocery store and meet people.

I digress. So I'm wasted on four martinis and I feel like we know each other well enough to tell you it was really five martinis and I meet my cousin's boyfriend. My cousin has been know to be a stage 5 Cling-On when it comes to guys she likes and will dump all aspects of her life to be with a guy and then gets profoundly hurt when said guy dumps her and then has to enter into some kind of witness protection program.

Infinity story short. Boyfriend guy and I start talking at the bar. I am between him and my cousin and while she is on one side of me, planning their wedding and wondering whether to have a traditional butter cream wedding cake or a seven-tiered chocolate ganache, he is telling me how his family would stroke out if they found out he was dating a Non-Jewish girl.

Now, this is the point where, I should have walked away, ya know?

But, mmm, no, I ordered another martini. And then, I sort of conveyed my kind of one true thing I hold dear when it comes to relationships that involve people I care about. If you are aware that someone is in love with you or has major feelings about you -- and you know you can, in no way, return those feelings, for whatever reason -- she makes more money than you, he has a lady butt, you sense premature balding and a thick head of hair is important to you, he makes that clicking noise when he chews, she has a cat named "Commander Paws", SHE IS NOT JEWISH and you only date JEWISH GIRLS...

Then you have to vag up and let that person go. Even if you are having great sex. Although, if it's REALLY great sex, I will give you a week grace period, especially if you are a girl because good ORGASMS are hard to find.

You feel me? You can't let someone be in love with you when you know you can't reciprocate. It's called being responsible for other people's feelings. So, yeah, waiting for someone better to come along while she's debating chicken or fish - bad idea.

Get out. Just get out now. Which is what I told my cousin's boyfriend whose name I can't remember. Because I was so drunk on five martinis. Normally, I let people live their lives and just silently judge their mistakes. If you look at me and I have a wry smile and a raised eyebrow, I'm thinking about something stupid that you're doing right now that you will probably not even figure out for three months.

Anyway. Apparently, this guy broke up with my cousin 2 weeks later. And quoted me, without quoting me. Meaning, she has no idea I have anything to do with this, even though he used every reason I gave him to give her the hammer. She is devastated. Worse, her parents are devastated. They loved him. They thought he was "the one."

Worse... I AM STAYING AT MY COUSIN'S HOUSE, the cousin that I wrecked her life by getting her boyfriend to break up with her after five martinis and... wait, for it, wait for...


And he, God damn, what was his name? - is going to see me the second he walks in the door.

And that my friends, is why I am predicting that tonight, this night, will be one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life. (Especially if he has some Vietnam type flashback when he sees me and vomits up the whole story about how this is all my fault.)

I am open to any and all suggestions. I could care less if they get back together. I am selfish and only care about not getting caught. How do I do that? Wait for him at the end of the driveway and say something to him? Ignore the whole thing? Casually bring up how drunk I was the last time I saw him and how I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING from the last time I saw him.

Somebody please help me. Help me.



Tiffany said...

Oh I wish I had some sort of advice to give you but I totally don't~ that is a hard one. Maybe make other plans tonight so that you don't have to see him?
Loved the post though, can't wait for the update on what you do and how it goes! :)

Just Like Birdie said...

EEK! I would hand you a martini to get you through the night...but that might just make it worse. Good luck!

Willow said...

Sorry you are in this predicament but I did laugh the whole way through this post. Good luck and stay away from the martinis.

AubreyMo said...

My opinion?

Act like you don't remember a thing and "Blame it on the a a a a a a alchol"....

And then it's up to them whether they want to patch it up and work out their differences while you go enjoy another martini (but only one this time. Okay maybe two. But that's it.)

Anonymous said...

The only advice I have for you is this: once you have lived this horrific evening, run - don't walk, run - to the nearest computer and tell us all about it.

It will make you feel better. Well, it will make ME feel better.

annbelu said...

Oh, how I love to read your stories....!

First, of all, during your vag-out, honesty spill at the bar, did he have a response? I mean, did he indicate whether or not he was willing to go all-balls-out himself and tell his parents that his relationships do not discriminate on account of race, creed, or ability to choose own groceries?
How did he respond? Were you convinced that he really liked her, but was just in a predicament?
Did he imply needing your advice about it, or was he straight out just a jerk?
I say, you blow full-sail tonight. You said what you needed to say. If if he really is a nice guy, at least you showed your protective sisterhood, leaving him somewhat of a warning..?
It sounds like she NEEDS you to do this- to protect her. To give her perspective.
It seems obvious you won't be able to conceal your wry smile all night. You may even be somewhat disturbed watching your cousin get all-googly-eyed if he really is a jerk...but is he? Maybe not?
The point here is to help YOU- so, I say vouch for what you said (if it comes up). Most likely, he appreciated your protective honesty, as should she (considering it was primarily in her best interest)...
and hey, I get this. Drinks really do not yield lethargy for me. I wish I could say so.
Your heart comes out when it needs to, and that's okay. The wise feel and speak. The fool speaks but does not feel.


Anna said...

Oh my. What a predicament. And, I'm sorry but I am laughing so hard that I'm tearing up because I can totally feel your pain. Tonight is going to be rough. I say you play the drunk card if you have to - but hopefully he's not a huge douchebag and rats you out.

Good luck and please update us!

Ava&Alex said...

I have never laughed harder. Oh, hot damn, can I send this to everyone I know? Sorry, it just cracks me up. PLEASE, please tell us everything that happens.

~JW~ said...

Not to put you back in bed, but you made your bed and you must lay in it. Although I don't believe in butting in (most of the time), you were trying to help her avoid future heartache, albeit from a 5 martini viewpoint with already existing not-so-favorable feelings towards your spoiled cousin. And I cannot help but think the parents might have thought he was "The take her off their hands." Take for granted it's just not going to be your night. Good luck.

Domestic Chicky said...

Ignore, ignore, IGNORE!

If you can't ignore, then deny, deny, DENY!

If you can't deny, then martini up, babe...

Chrissy said...

Couple things here...
With everything you and your family have been through...suffice it to say you live by a totally different clock than most and can truly appreciate how short life is.

That being said...if what you said did in fact have anything at all to do with him ending things... which I highly doubt it did...then you did them both a favor.

If he truly were "the one" then whatever it was you said would have had little, to no impact on their relationship.

I think you give yourself entirely too much credit and too much of a role in other people's lives because you are too scared to live the reality of your own.

I pray you will find your courage to have the starring role in your own life rather than the antagonistic co-star in someone else's.

You have waayy too much offer and are way too bright and funny to take a back seat to anyone!

Pay attention to your own life...or else it's going to pass you by!


HonestlyI'd rather read reports about your own romantic life rather than your cousin's.

Anonymous said...

This made my day! Please update, I am dying to know how it all turns out. OMG!


Andrea said...

Sorry I have no advice, but dman it makes a good story! I agree with Mrs Fatass - tell us asap!!

PS - So agree that good orgasms are hard to find!

Zoey said...

LOL at good orgasms are hard to find, this cracked me up - I love that the guy had no idea what he's in for. Please blog every juicy detail, I can barely wait for tomorrow!!!!

Michelle/MouseDemon said...

Personally? I don't think people dump others because of what anyone else says. Unless they are 15.

This is so NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!

You spoke your Truth. It might have been somewhat Drunk Truth, but still.

On the other hand, if you do feel uncomfortable still, just lie. You were drunk, who knows what you said. Hell, do you even remember meeting this guy in the first place? :P ;)

Jill said...

Oh, my God, too funny. Give us an update woman, we're dying!!!!

adventure grrl said...

I was able to avoid my cousin's boyfriend for 36 hours - like a stealth ninja. But I did run into him this morning.

I was coming up the stairs and there he is with my cousin, aunt and uncle... stomach spazming, I gathered it together and after my aunt said, "Have you remember J?" I said... "Well, hardly... I was SO DRUNK THAT NIGHT I BARELY REMEMBER A THING. So... so drunk... almost needed to be hospitalized. Like 5 martinis and someone might have slipped me a roofie. Yes, the date rape drug. So, no, don't remember you, this is like the first time we met. What was your name again?"

Yes! Anddddddddddd (sigh). More tomorrow!

BirdStreet said...

LOL LOL LOL so glad it turned out okay. The post made me laugh so hard so thanks for that!

alea said...

LOL dude.
lol. um... i honestly think the worst moment isn't meeting him, but having your cousin read this post LOL. sweet lord. how DO you do it lol. this is awesome reading. its like a soap opera in realtime. lol
great recovery the next morning though.
just, uh. don't tell her about the blog. lol

Valley Girl said...

lol wow. Well, blaming the booze is fine to avoid any weirdness, but at the same time. If he had brought it up and mentioned you as his muse, then I'd fess up to it.
You did them a favor, one should never be in a relationship that you know will never last. That's just ridiculous, a waste of time and cruel because the other person will get hurt.
I say, bravo to you! :)

Elizabeth Kaylene said...

Whew, glad it went okay! Update us fully ASAP!

LaurieA (@Turban_Diva) said...

Hilarious story, great writing. Here's a way to make sure he never returns - greet him with a wordless, expressionless glare. Silent treatment, deep, spooky stares, all evening, but polite - you know the routine? Just when they think they are alone, appear. Stare silently. Back out of the room. He knows you know. Avoid the martinis so you won't start laughing uncontrollably.
I can't wait to read what happens!!

MountainGirl said...

Love, Love, love. this made me laugh my ass off!

Jen said...

Ok, I want to start by saying that I am SO SORRY that you have to go through that. That's terrible!

I want to now say that this is SO FUNNY. And I say that with love. I have gotten myself into a number of situations like this myself, and while it sucks so much, you have to admit, after it's done, it's just a bit funny. ;) Good luck! <3

Guilty Squid said...

You know, it would have been handy if I had read this on Friday. Because I did *not* keep my opinion to myself last night.

Because I'm all, WHY? Why would you string someone along that you are *struggling* to settle down with? Why wouldn't you just let them go and find the *right* one?

And yeah.

I should've kept my mouth shut.