Wednesday, December 8, 2010

We Don't Have To Explain Ourselves to Anyone

Awesome Comments becomes Awesome Quotes:  The thing is, it actually is too early to know whether you have made a mistake or not. And you know what? Worse case scenerio and it is, so what? You have still had an adventure.

In your heart of hearts though, you know whatever happens you have done the right thing for you now. And that's all that matters. The little niggly voice in your head is fear of the unknown and we all have that. Only listen to it when you really really have to...

Part One

In a week, I will be another year older.  In life though, I'm still trying to figure it all out... 

Last night I was talking to someone and they made a sarcastic remark... about how I had had an "Epiphany" and left for New York.  I felt my stomach tighten and I felt judged.  I did not have an epiphany!  

Except that I did have an epiphany... of sorts.  But the word or maybe the use of the word... knowing it was subtly being used against me or that I was being made fun of... hurt.  Maybe I have a negative connotation with the word - where it means someone going crazy religious, selling all their wares and roaming ashrams and yoga retreats, looking outwardly to fill their starving soul.  Maybe I thought about when my Mom had her nervous breakdown after my cousin's trial and even in her and excuse my language, bat shit crazy state, still knew to warn us, her kids, not to say she had had ANY sort of epiphany.

(I guess having any kind of epiphanies or religious sightings is on the check list to get you to the head of the line for a 5150 - pronto.)

I think it was more, this phone call, the idea of being made fun of... though in some ways, I doubt I was being made fun of.  I think I might have taken something said, somewhat innocently and blown it out of proportion.  But I've let it sit there and I've let it fester.  And I do feel a bit judged about picking up and moving across country and trying to start my life over but maybe the person REALLY judging me is...

... well... me.

Maybe I'm scared this is all rash and crazy (though, I swear, it does not feel rash and crazy... it feels good and right.)

Maybe I don't like feeling misunderstood.  I lined up the facts, I weighed them... I was unhappy in L.A.  I had a yearning to move to NYC but I ignored it for years.  I had a terrible accident and spent A LOT of time in bed... was it an epiphany?  I don't know.  But I could not ignore the thoughts that kept coming to me.

I am not happy.

I don't like the lifestyle here.

People care too much about money and status.

I miss my family.

I'm only here to make money.  Is that all that is important?

Maybe there are OTHER things I love to do but I am keeping the wall up and ignoring them because I am too scared of change.

I don't know, maybe that was an epiphany.  I guess I have to be okay with that, even if someone seems to be throwing the word in my face with their own sarcastic eye roll.  The person is younger than me.  For them, a place like L.A. holds so much more allure and promise.  I have grown out of that - I thank the accident sometimes because without it, I was on another five year plan to stay there and now I get to START my life over NOW, instead of five years from now.

I can get hung up on defending myself or I can just accept me leaving might look like a whole lot of different things to different people and I have to be okay about not be able to control their interpretation of my move... or life change or... oh, god, epiphany.



Michelle/MouseDemon said...

It is probably a combination of both. If you felt a bit patronised, then you probably were. Often when people are a bit in awe of what you have done, knowing they would never do anything like it themselves, their instinct is to make it less than it is.

The thing is, it actually is too early to know whether you have made a mistake or not. And you know what? Worse case scenerio and it is, so what? You have still had an adventure.

In your heart of hearts though, you know whatever happens you have done the right thing for you now. And that's all that matters. The little niggly voice in your head is fear of the unknown and we all have that. Only listen to it when you really really have to...

Nikki said...

I've never thought of an epiphany as a bad thing. The definition is: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
And that's just lovely. Call it whatever you want, you moving to NYC was a positive change for the better. You know that; don't let anyone take it away from you.

Anonymous said...

Call it whatever you want - why are we judging?

...and the end left me spinning - you're not happy in NYC? or weren't happy back in LA? ..or both?

Bitten Usagi said...

An epiphany is an epiphany no matter how small or how others may see it. Plus what you did, most people would never think of doing so they don't understand it. I know there's no way I'd ever pick up and move like you did. I'm not that brave.

Also either way it turns out it's a learning experience many will never ever have. It's about the journey, hun. Screw what other people think about it.

adventure grrl said...

Melly, INSANELY HAPPY in New York... nervous about some aspects, $ etc. Must write part 2 to clarify! I think I was feeling criticized as if someone was seeing my decision as silly or flighty... and it took me aback a bit... sorry for not being clear.

TK Kerouac said...

My daughter took off to live in NYC at a young age. The experience helped create who she is now.
Think of this as a new experience.
She did end up coming back to Toronto after the 911 disaster hit.
But she came back a stronger person and became the number one blogger in Canada and archived her NYC life and experiences.

she is

Quix said...

I have two words for you.

Fuck em.

If you're happy and know you're on the path to awesome, that's all that matters! And if not, well, then you had an adventure and have some crazy stories.

I moved somewhere I visited for a few hours because I liked the mall, with no job and no money. Never regretted it. Ended up with a really cool career I would have never had if video games weren't "the thing to do" there and/or I had a real job and didn't take a temp job making peanuts.

Just my 2 cents. Things happen for a reason. Haters gonna hate. Fuck em. :)

Lynda with a Y said...

this is not exactly a comment on your post, it's a comment about how I've been missing your posts. I want to see what you are up to, what adventures you are having, which boys you are kissing.
and I am convinced that little bitch is just jealous of you because you are fearless and fabulous and cool. And she is not. She is envious that you took a leap and a chance and that it turned out well for you. so tell her to suck it!

grass fed momma said...

Hey girl
I wish you the happiest and most adventurous of New Years. And oh yeah, an epiphany or two :)

A Living Diary said...

LA is all about money and status and that is not what life is about. I'm glad you made the decision for your self and you didn't let other influence your decision.

This is your life and the only person you need to answer to is your self. So if you, in your heart, know this is the right thing for you than hold your head up high pack your stuff and move:) Only you can make yourself happy and it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Freestyle Mom said...

If you're happy and you know it clap your hands. ;)

And then when you're done clapping, hold up both middle fingers from said hands and wave them around the room in a circular motion.

Love you.

Freestyle Mom said...

uhm... but seriously folks. I'm about to pack up and move to a city where I know no one, where I have zero connections or opportunities, where i don't know my way around. Away from the place that has NEVER made me happy and has always brought me down, filled with negativity and family baggage...

I haven't had any sort of epiphany, I'm just done. But who cares? what if I *did* have an epiphany? It doesn't matter what the hell you had, (an epiphany, a hangover, a punch in the face, bad food poisoning, a wedgie) if you're not happy, that's all it takes. The fact that you recognized your unhappiness and did something about it speaks VOLUMES of your character... it's more than most Americans are able to say of themselves.

I am proud to know you.

Anonymous said...

Your move to NYC may or may not be a good thing. It may be for better or for worse. But it's done with. You moved. You've made your choice.

Stop worrying and enjoy what you've got! It's totally a lot better to do stuff than to be left wondering with what ifs. Or to wait for an "Epiphany" as an excuse/reason to do something haha...

For as long as there are mouths, there will be words. Listen for those words that come from hearts =)

TK Kerouac said...

Did you go back to bed?

adventure grrl said...

TK, you caught me, because I did indeed, semi-sort-of-kinda went back to bed. Your question inspired me to write my latest post, thank you!