Sunday, April 17, 2011

Adventures in Dating
The New York City Edition

When I was dating in Los Angeles, there were challenges.  The biggest was me, in that, between going through a really sad break-up, losing my job, a death in the family, a depression, my mom being sick, I really did not care about dating.  AT ALL.

It became so far back on the back burner, it wasn't even on the burner.  In fact, I'm trying to rack my brain for someone I've even really liked in the last year or so and I'm not coming up with really, well, anyone.

(Sorry, if I dated you... I really am.  I am sure you were wonderful, charming, smelled nice and pulled out the chair but I can't quite remember your face... or name... again, sorry.)

I think around the time that I had surgery on my shoulder last year that things started to really come into focus, how I would want to live my life, what was missing and how could I make it better that I really started to think being in love or at the very least dating or at the very least, a drunken make-out would definitely make my life infinitely better.

Another prompting was my aunt saying that she imagined me to remain single much like an elderly friend of hers that never married.  Wait?  What?  Just because I had not been married off and pregnant like most of my cousins and friends in my small town by twenty-five, I was now destined to be a sad sack spinster? 


In New York, I started to notice that well, I was getting noticed more.  Maybe it was the beaming smile I seem to posses at all times, with everything seeming so new and wonderful.  Maybe it was because you can actually be curvy in NY vs. LA and it's not seen as a big deal.  Maybe it was just that I was more ready.

I put up an ad on a dating website and when contacted by a guy, instead of wringing my hands over, "Is he the right guy for me?,"  I decided to approach dating as merely a new way to see a city I didn't know very well and get to know someone who might become, at the very least, a good friend.

I had no idea what I was in for.

Here's a highlight reel of some of the dates I've been on:

1)  The Wrestler:  The wrestler let me know after about two beers that he um... really wanted to wrestle me.  I thought he was kidding.  He was not.  Did I know any grappling moves?  Um, no.  I soon learned this was his fetish... to wrestle girls.  I would soon learn that this little quirk would be NOTHING compared to someone else I was about to meet.

2)  The I Have A Live In Girlfriend:  He was a lawyer and I thought, too clean cut for me but I forced myself to give it a chance.  We had lots of flirty emails so I was excited that there was chemistry there.  A plus, he showed up in a suit - not too shabby.  By drink #1, he wanted to know if I was okay that he was "attached."  To what, I asked?  Oh, attached to his live in girlfriend that he knows is the The One and it's only a matter of time before they get married?  Yeah, I was not okay with that.  At all.

3)  The Bigly Made:  You'll think I'm kidding but this guy sent me an email that so put my jaw on the floor that I sent it around to each one of my girlfriends.  A cute guy "winked" at me on a dating website, I introduced myself and he promptly wrote back.  Seemed promising enough, until I read the email.  He wanted me to know that he and his last girlfriend had a wild sex life and unless I thought I could keep up with lots of vigorous sex with someone that was "bigly made" (right?  I don't have to define that for you, do I, ladies?) then, I probably was NOT the woman for him.

Oh, also, he does not believe in condoms because it cuts down on the sensation by 50%.  Good to know.  Andddddddd delete.

4)  The He's Just A Jiggalo:  This guy I was crazy about.  Butterflies.  Not someone I felt immediately attracted to in pictures but within five minutes of conversation, I thought, "He. Is. Amazing."  He was charasmatic, thoughtful, interesting - everything.  There was something so "Aw, shucks," about him that was more cute than sexy but that's what I want.  Meaning, there isn't a lot of innocence to guys in NYC, you have a feeling they have seen and done it all.  So there was a sweetness to this guy that really, really appealed to me.

But I ended up finding out (and it would be such a long story to repeat), that this guy, regularly took ads out on places like Craigslist looking for bored and lonely housewives.  You know... for sexual intercourse.  I did not believe it when I found out.  There was no way.  It was the opposite of everything I saw in him... until, I saw the ad myself.   (If five or more of you leave me comments that you want the full story, I'll give it!)

It really, really shook me up on a lot of levels:  Was I that naive?  Was I that attention starved that I couldn't even see when I was being bullshitted to such a supreme degree?  Was he some kind of prostitute?  It was f'ing crazy.  

He never called me after our great date and it left me really, really sad.  So I guess one upshot to finding this all out was, ya know, I'm not really looking to date hustlers and con men that might give me The Herpes.  So, he was a little easier to get over.

5)  The I Have One Hundred And Fifty Dollars For An Hour Of Fun:  Yes, this happened.  I was propositioned like a prostitute.  Which I howled with laughter after I received the email.  His name was Gary and he was tall with dark hair and blue eyes.  He even sent me a photo of him on a boat, an American flag waving in the background.  It was like he stepped out of a J. Crew catalogue.  

We agreed to meet and he sent me this email, "I can give you $150 for an hour of fun.  Nothing weird."  I wrote back, "I'm not a prostitute, Gary!  But thanks for the compliment."  He wrote back, "I know you're not.  I thought this way, it would be mutually beneficial."  I had no idea what he was talking about.  Wouldn't the mutually beneficial part be that we both had fun on the date?

WHAT WAS GOING ON?   What is wrong with these people????  I said, of course, absolutely no.  Which made him even more determined and he has emailed me, no less than 34 more times over this past month.  Just yesterday he emailed me again.  Okay, he could go up to $200 an hour.  Again, nothing weird.  DELETE!

6)  The Halitosis Hottie:  self explanatory.  I will admit to one thing:  he was so hot, and I was so "kissed starved" that I invited him back to my place and told him I had a weird "tooth brushing fetish" and would only make out with him if he used my tooth brush and brushed his teeth.  He never called me again.

7)  The Whole Foods Fetish:  This guy let me know he found Whole Foods arousing, especially the hot food stations.  I blacked out after that.

There's more.  But why not spread it over some more posts?!  The funny thing is, none of this has discouraged me at all.  (You have to remember, I'm giving you the worst of the worst here over the course of six months)  

I will say, I do believe, you get what you pay for and all these dates came from a free dating website.  On a date with a really sweet guy last weekend, he confessed he saw this particular dating site as "more of a hook-up site than a dating site."

Noted.  Time to upgrade.  

Okay, which one of these dates would have you running for the hills?  And anyone want to challenge me on a date you've had that was worse than any of these?  I'd love to hear it!




TK Kerouac said...

Is the dating site Plenty of Fish?

those free fishes can be found on the pay site too

lots of weirdos out there
but then again
maybe people are all strange and dysfunctional in their own way once they are single:)

adventure grrl said...

Oooo, good point... and here I thought upgrading to Match or eHarmony might mean better luck! Well, at least there will ALWAYS be funny stories to tell. I just hope my heart can take it :)

SSP said...

girl, I dated EVERY ONE of those guys when I lived in NYC.....every single one of them....I can so relate to this it is scary.....AND thus explains my move to Tucson...and yet, here, I have not had such "luck"

it is amazing how sexual every thing has become, and what the guys expect - i mean i guess they figure they can get a hook up on craigs list or adult friend finder, so why not on the other ones that are "ostensibly" not for sex...HA

Michelle/MouseDemon said...

You know we so want more details!!

And just think of this as material for your autobiography when you are old. Or just funny stories to tell your grandkids!! :P

Keep the faith! (BonJovi rule!) :D


adventure grrl said...

SSP - that's what I have noticed too, sex is up for discussion ASAP, these guys bring it up right away, even in email as if they are trying to gauge if it's even worth it to take you on a date.

Michelle - thanks, I will keep the faith! Not deterred yet... I think if I keep my sense of humor about it, I will be okay!

dreamgypsie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
dreamgypsie said...

Oh my god in heaven that is so fantastically funny and awful all at the same time! W O W!
Maybe the Universe is just trying to give you a good laugh before they bring Mr. Fantastic into your life. Or maybe they want to see how devoted you are to dropping the bad boys. This is just craziness. Either way kudos for sticking to your guns! ...and yes I want details!

Stacey said...

So hilarious, I think a little coffee came out of my nose. Good for you for sticking with it! Keep blogging, we've missed you!

Mo Diva said...

i would def run from all of them... but i want to hear about the guy who makes house calls to the lonely ladies...
i once dated a comedian... most awkwardly silent date i have ever been on.
recently dated a guy who is a NON-foodie and tried really hard to impress with his [lack of] foodie knowledge. His overuse of the word Flavor, while cute at first, became really annoying when he asked what flavor my bechamel sauce was...
(and MAYBE i am over reacting with that one but I dont like the ones that try too hard- it just feels forced and artificial)
I have actually closed my dating account and am pursuing a life of sheer happiness. no expectations. No disappointment. Just me, being me, and loving every minute of it.
Good luck to you though!

Eliza said...

Now THIS made me laugh! You poor thing LOL. Definitely brightened up my day, though :)

Steph said...

ummm.....30 something emails? Seriously...this guy is border stalkerish! He'd make me the most normal.
I would pay BIG money if you could video tape whole foods guy. Seriously. Can you imagine the response you'd get from you tube, posting a video of a man in love with hot olives? Awesome.

Friendly Flower said...

I lived in NYC and yes, the guys are crazy. Every one just wants to hook up and it can get really discouraging. But I think you have the best attitude about it. I'm also really psyched the blogs are back up, this one made my week!

Shelly said...

This had me dying of laughter. Thanks for that, you have no idea how bad I needed it!

Allison said...

Seriously, you have an amazing story and sense of humor. You might want to check out the Anthus Channel at – it’s a TV network that’s dedicated health/wellness, positivity, and social cause that we’re hoping to launch in November. We also have a great social network at I’d love your feedback. Thanks so much!

adventure grrl said...

Allison - Love your website! Have you heard of Crazy Sexy Life? So many inspiring people there - you might find some amazing people that want to tell their very inspiring stories. Good luck, I think it's great what you're doing!

Jeannie said...

They all sound weird ... like you, I would have run away from each one. Yuck!

You have a delightful writing style that is fun to read! Thanks for sharing your stories.

adventure grrl said...

Jeannie - You're right, they are all weird! Thank you for such a beautiful comment about my writing, it really means so much to me :)

All about the Zen said...

I love this! You have such a great attitude.

My girlfriends and I were recently sharing our dating stories and nothing really surprises me anymore.

I totally understand where you questioned yourself and your radar when you found out about the one guy looking to service lonely housewives. I'm glad you bounced back. :)