I wrote this late last night... I was feeling particularly vulnerable, freaked out and sad. It takes everything for me to not pull it down today. My older posts were so much more honest and raw but I seemed to get away from that. Perhaps I thought that if I "started my life over" then posts should only be happy - if they weren't then it equalled failure in some way. Maybe I thought I would turn people off or maybe I just did not want to tap into or admit feeling scared. So here it is... I would love to hear your thoughts... even if you want to tell me to grow a pair and my problems aren't a big deal.Just in the last hour I have:
1) Dumped a whole thing of Body Wash on my head thinking it was shampoo
2) Been yelled at by my mom for not having the hair catcher thing-y on the drain because "you know you shed like a dog in that shower!"
3) Also yelled at for using the good towels, the ones with beads, that are there FOR DECORATION and not for ACTUAL DRYING. Who has towels with beads on them? Really? And do you think they were my first choice to use? No, they just seemed like the ONLY choice, what with them HANGING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE SHOWER.
4) My pug licked my only clean pair of underwear so throughly that it is wet in all the spots that I would never want near my body
These are not so terrible things. Maybe they are even funny things. I need to say the funny things because if I don't laugh, I will cry. Oh, look, I am crying.
Life is not going the way that it should and to be honest, I see no end in sight in that matter. I have to go back to LA for work and I do not want to. I do not want to. I don't like LA. I think I may even hate it. To the point that I wonder if perhaps, I did not get yelled at for leaving my hair in my Mom's new shower and using the towels we are only supposed to look at, I might just want to move into their basement and get a job as a greeter where ever one might get a job greeting people.
I would be good at that. Greeting people. Except for all the crying.
What's funny or not that funny or interesting or maybe not even interesting at all, is I came home to my parents' house because I was so overwhelmed with packing up NYC that I needed to get a break but here I am, alone in their basement... bawling my eyes out and wondering... what next?
How did I take for granted how easy life used to be when I loved where I lived and I loved my job? Now I don't have either of those things. If I told you the truth about my dating life it would be that I was afraid that if I really committed to it, that I would find out dating was as horrible as I imagined it would be. In NYC, I found out that was kind of true.
I think I felt unselfconscious in my commitment to throw myself all the way in to dating in NYC. There's just something about being in a new city that makes you feel that way. But Wednesday night... ugh, that was it. When I just said, ENOUGH.
I swear, when he walked into the bar, he looked like he was ten years younger than me. But he showed me ID and it said he wasn't. He smelled vintage-y - like that mixture of someone who maybe doesn't shower enough because they care about Mother Earth mixed in with a guy who shops at thrift stores. But I told myself, "Stop it." Stop being a baby, stop counting people out so soon, just stop.
And that's when I had to hear about the girlfriend he just could not get over. They broke up in 2006.
Sigh.
I tried, you guys. I even gently hinted that talking about the girlfriend was a grade A downer. Okay, I didn't gently hint. I said it, right out loud, "This is a grade A downer. " And it seems he got it. I even had, what I thought was a brilliant idea, to salvage the date --
We run to the bar across the street and start all over again. Drinks on me. Aren't I such a pal? Yeah, it was there that he talked about how he had stayed with that ex-girlfriend through her parents divorce, her brother's death and even EVEN after they had broken up, he was there for her when she needed last minute surgery. Because she is afraid of hospitals. I think it was when he said he "needed closure," after she ended their 4 year relationship via email, that I felt not only my clitorous shrinking and drying up like an old raisin but really, losing the will to live, all together.
These are funny stories. Then why can I not stop crying?
Life is hard. And heart breaking. I know that. I just thought, literally a year ago, when I found out my cousin had brain cancer and in that moment, I just knew, KNEW, I did not want to live in LA another minute or work in the entertainment business another minute - I thought it was all suppose to get better from there.
Isn't that what happens in the movies? Big revelation! Life changing! And she's off to NYC with everything packed in one suitcase! Like some sort of Carrie Bradshaw with love handles and a front butt.
But it hasn't been good. I mean, it's been semi-good. It's been good enough that I do not want to leave. That is for sure. And that's why I feel like this huge sadness in going. My life feels out of my control. I have to go where the work is, to be able to pay for things and take care of myself and if you want to know the truth I RESENT THE HELL OUT OF IT.
Ugh! I'm not going to lie. I wish I had someone with me to go through this with. And when I go on these dates, I swear, they make me feel so hopeless that I ever will. And I think that's what's really making me sad... because life has never been easy and I still have the will to move and fortitude to change and reinvent myself and get another job and figure it all out...
But the other stuff -- it just seems so far beyond my control.
Yes, I felt overwhelmed packing up NYC and there was some work stuff that made me so stressed out, I couldn't even sleep but really, that date the other night really did me in. Not just him... just what it symbolized. Just how much more of that I can take. And yet, I have to, don't I? If I want the reward of what a relationship is supposed to bring.
Part of me feels like I am cramming for a test the night before the SATs. So not worried was I, in my twenties about dating and guys and relationships and did I think they just fell from the sky and into the laps of my girlfriends -- that I just did, well, nothing. Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted. The cramming. Three bad dates in a week for weeks on end will do that.
So this is my life. It's not really pretty. But it does feel good being honest.
(P.S. I just read my post from a month ago and yes, I do see the irony in me declaring that despite all these horrible dates, I am not discouraged by them. That did make me laugh.)
***
21 comments:
Well of COURSE you're sad! You're leaving a life you've come to love for one you've come to hate!
But you also said, when first considering the job, that it would only be for a year. You know what that is? It's a light at the end of the tunnel, and it's NOT an oncoming train.
So. You go, you work, you save money, you plan out the future of your business. You don't bother dating, because you'll only be there for a year.
More importantly - you give yourself PERMISSION to resent having to go back. To be sad. To hate dating. It's ok. It would be nice if life were like the movies, but we all go to movies to dream, because life is NEVER like that. And that's ok, too.
My friends tell me that I'll never "find someone" if I don't "put myself out there". But is that really true? I've had four long-term relationships, and only one came from a dating site. The others came from events I went to with friends just to have a good time,and ended up meeting someone that I wanted to get to know better. Oddly enough, the first two started at trips to "The Rocky Horror Picture Show", where I did not expect to run into straight men at all!
I hate dating. I love men & being in a relationship, but I really, really hate dating. So I've stopped. My friends 'suggest' single friends of theirs on Facebook, and if I notice that they're going to an event I'm going to I'll let them know what I'm wearing so they can come talk to me. No sparks yet, but I have a VERY full life, and I'm not lonely, so I don't feel the need to force it.
Adventures are fun. Doing something you hate because you feel you should is just torture. Sometimes you have to suck it up, like when you need a job. But sometimes, like with dating - why bother? Life is short. Have fun when you can, and when you can't, be planning for the fun you'll have later.
Oh, I'm so sorry for you. Be kind to yourself, please. Take it slow, one foot in front of the other. Find someone--a friend, a neighbor to help you. Remember that boyfriends and relationships sometimes look good from the outside. I miss my single days, believe it or not. It's a lot of work, being a long term couple. In any case, don't be afraid to ask for help. If you're not leaving until later, consider maybe finding a therapist to talk to once or twice. I don't "know" you and maybe I don't have a right to say that, but talk with somebody. Meanwhile ((hugs)).
Being honest - the Go-Go-GO! posts couldn't go on forever. Normal life has ups and downs! There's no guarantee that 'starting over' leads to a better life than the one before it, not every endeavor ends well, and not every situation has a life lesson.
Sometimes it just sucks. Sometimes it's randomly awesome in a way we never planned or predicted. There are no guarantees.
It's important to keep our expectations reasonable and attainable - it won't always get better, but sometimes it will, trying something new is worthwhile - but won't always be a positive experience, and disappointment comes as often as joy. If we only tried for things that were a sure win we'd have VERY boring lives! :)
Snaps, claps, and cheers for always trying and not giving up. That's where the real journey is.
Seriously? Towels with beads!? I feel your pain!!! (Have you got friends you can stay with, rather than the parentals...?)
Forget the dating. I have said it before, (only not sure if it was here), if I was single now, I could not be arsed with the dating game. Unless I was looking at writing a book about the weirdos you can meet. (Which you could do! :P)
Have the relationship with yourself for a while, and forget about the men. Do all the stuff you would do on a date, but take a book, and enjoy the peace.
I know you feel like it is a step backwards, but if isn't really. AND even if it is, you can always step forward at the end of it all.
I love this post - thank you for keeping it up. It's perfectly fine, and normal, to really note like thing sometimes.
And, I bet your hair smelled great.
Thank you, Shirley! Love this: "To hate dating. It's ok. It would be nice if life were like the movies, but we all go to movies to dream, because life is NEVER like that. And that's ok, too." Amen!
Lynda - That's good advice, I actually recently contacted my therapist. Ugh, it feels like a step back but a necessary one... it's good to have that sounding board, I do miss it actually.
Hey Melly, I actually went on your blog to respond! You have been telling me the overly cheerful posts were kind of bullshit so I really thought of you when I wrote this. Thanks for being there. Glad I got real and thank you for continuing to read :)
Michelle - I just might need that break. I think I was overcompensating for not taking dating seriously at all for many years but there is something for just... letting it be for a while.
Anna - LOL, you made me laugh... yes, my hair does smell great and it's wonderfully exfoliated with my Mom's apricot scrub :) Hee hee.
Love you guys and it MEANS SO MUCH that you take the time to comment!
what everyone else said, plus 1. You just are a "beater" - you beat yourself up for living, you beat yourself for your choices and decisions as well as a lot of things waaaayyyy beyond your control, though. But, just look at all the amazing things you have done, and are still capable of doing...regret nothing, even the bad dates; and shoot, someday (hopefully long in the future), you may inherit those beaded towels, and you can give them to your pug to lick!!!
So many things go through my mind while reading your post.
Honestly, I think people don't really know they're taking things for granted while it's happening.
You should know that while you're tearing with your post you are being helpful to us readers - your honesty, your humour, your life questions to which there are no answers.
For me, living in the freezing cold north - LA sounds like a dream!
As for the dude that couldn't get over his girlfriend - you were much nicer than I would have been!
You're not alone - we all have things we really resent and for most of our resentments there's nothing we can do but get by and make the best of it.
It's okay to get really angry with the world - some times it just plain sucks big time.
Maybe you could have a "attributes jar" - maybe fill a jar with attributes that are good about you.
Here's a couple to start you off:
* My blog is encouraging for others
* My ideas, such as my adventure jar, is a great idea that others can also do
* I love the colour of my eyes
* I am alive
* I can stop to smell the flowers
* I can smile at someone today and make them feel good
* I can tell a joke and make someone laugh
There seems to be many good qualities about you!
Towels with beads? Yikes! :-)
Life isn't all roses and no one should ever expect a life to be so... either someone judging you or - you judging you.
Life is meant to have ups and downs. The downs allow us to enjoy the ups more.
And crying is good. So is a bag of chips and dip :P
Stay strong... use the negatives to bring a positive... even if the only person who sees it, is yourself.
My life has sucked crappolla big time the past two years. But... I haven't fallen yet completely. I cry, and get my arse up off the ground and go into a new direction. Sometimes I want to -- sometimes I don't. But, we are alive and living, right? Life is meant to do new things and old and... sometimes things we don't enjoy so much.
But always remember, there are the good days too.
*hugs*
And, P.S.... no one here expects to come here and see rainbows and pigtails and happy things all the time. Sometimes it's a good reminder to us, that you are human and so are we and... it's how we get ourselves out of the ruts, that is important. Just don't stay in there too long!!!
Just thinking about you and wondering how your week has been.
Keep writing! What's next? :)
My barn having burned to the ground,
I can now see the moon!
Japanese poet Masahide
Nothing good ever lasts, nothing bad ever lasts, either... I said that... Just when things suck, some good stuff breaks out... just watch... (of course, that wont last either). I guess you just has to take it all in, the towels and the beads, and squeeze all the joy out of it as it comes.
Havent heard from you in a long time. Hope you are doing ok. take care hon.
I could say sooo much about this, but remember that post...the one about giving yourself a pep talk? I think you need to find it. Find it and figure out what's going RIGHT so that you can fix what's WRONG. I've done the crying thing so many times this summer...well longer than that to be honest. But the first step is always figuring out what's wrong. Figure out what's bugging you then sort the list into things you can change and things you can't. Go from there.
Also, there's no reason you have to go through bad date after bad date...you're allowed to be picky. Stop "looking" and the good ones will find you, but don't stop going to events and socializing. And when you've found one worth your time, give him a chance! You can do it girl, I know you can!
Remember, the little things, the ones that should be funny, those aren't the real problem. They're triggers for other stuff going on in your life...let yourself wallow a little if you need to, but pick yourself back up again. Heck, you already said they were funny...you're on the right track!
And if you ever need someone to talk to when you're hating your job or whatever, I'll listen. I've been there and I may not be able to help, but hey, I'm a total stranger and you never have to talk to me again...and I'm willing to listen!
I love this post - thank you for keeping it up. It's perfectly fine, and normal, to really note like thing sometimes.
Platform Beds
You are an amazing writer
I could see you doing female fictions, especially about the dating sites
Ever read the book, French Kissing? You would love the authors dating stories
I can't get the the visual of your dog licking your panties out of my head
Stay strong, you will find lots of new adventures yet
You are officially the uber cool version of everything I never got to be...
SO, here's my advice. Pick 3 things that don't suck. And every time one of the sucky things rear's it's sucky head, plant a non-sucky thing in it's path. To, you know, focus on. Practice this. Close your eyes...let the sucky thing pop up and BAM throw the non-sucky thing at it, mentally, like a crappy high school underhanded softball pitch. Cuz you know why? Cuz you gotta start somewhere.
Man...I would trade my small town of 5000 with you in a hot mess of a minute. It's pretty here...but lately when I go to town I think "IS THIS FREAKIN IT FOR CRYING IN THE SINK???"
Yeah, SO I throw a little "I love the lake" or "I love the fireflies and stars" or "I love my college" and I feel a little less of the repugnancy which seems to parade around in my head and heart...
Good luck...wish you could take me with you to LA.
Thanks every one, I'll going to get cooking on another post - your comments really mean so much to me so thank you, thank you for taking the time to make them :)
Hi! I don't even remember how I came upon this blog, but I was compelled to stop and read this post. First off, I am sorry you are going through a difficult time, I really am. After I read your post these verses from the Bible came to my mind and I wanted to share it with you...
"Happy is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding; for her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, and her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, and all the things you may desire cannot compare with her. Length of days is in her right hand, in her left hand riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, and happy are all who retain her." -Proverbs 3:13-18.
I have found wisdom and gained understanding. I am SO very happy :) I hope you find it, too.
The only thing I could think of while reading this is that you are looking for love in the wrong place. Wouldn't you rather have a connection with these men outside of them having internet access? In my opinion, the best way to fine a guy that will mesh with you, is to do things YOU like to do. But do them in the public, and do them often. Do you like to volunteer? How about volunteering at a soup kitchen? Or an animal shelter, or a rabbit rescue? There are BOUND to be men out there, and you already know they like animals and have a good heart. The best relationships happen when you aren't looking. They just fall into your lap. You don't want that relationship anyway that you have to work on and find things to do together and find things to talk about... you want that someone that happened to come along while you were doing things you loved.
Does this make sense? Hope this helps :) And you are a strong woman, I wouldn't continue reading your blogs (you know i've been reading since it started) if I had any doubt in you or your message. You CAN do this alone... you might not WANT to, but life WILL NOT STOP without a man. When you are ready to accept yourself and when you are at a good place in your job (doesnt have to be the perfect place but just the place that you can stop and exhale!) then I think that would be the perfect time to pick up that hobby and hope that Mr. Right is standing there holding the soup ladle :)
Forever yours,
Tw!nk
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