First of all, I apologize for my absence. I can explain it all right here: totally new business opportunity I was going to be a part of went bust; needed to return to Los Angeles for work and was terribly sad about that; came back to LA, was terribly sad, ate a lot of Cheetos; started dating someone cute (sexy, hot! gives me girl boners!) and things started to look up; a new work opportunity came about and I sort of got the "life's kick in the pants" sign to just... GET GOING AGAIN.
Does that sound too vague?
The fact is, when I'm feeling overwhelmed or unsure or even a little down, I will tend to disappear. And I did, didn't I? A friend of mine told me she recommended this blog to someone as a giant pick-me-up but her friend told her, "Um, her blog is kind of depressing." LOL! I guess the last 2 entries have been.
I'm not good at faking happy when I'm not. Which actually, you guys have been cool about. Mel, a frequent reader often tells me to be "more real, more raw" -- that I should talk about the down times. Life is hard for all of us. Especially now in this place in history.
But when I'm feeling down, I feel like a failure... I can't explain why. Maybe for not making the most of what I have. Maybe for not being a trooper and just getting on with life. You know, my whole life, I've watched my Mom just pretend to be happy even when she wasn't. With a swish of a good lipstick and a smile she could turn a down day and a dark stormy cloud (in front of us) into, like, Miss America for everyone else.
Not that I blame her. I don't. I am responsible for me. So... I was in a funk. And it was feeling like a G-d damn deep one. Job 1 was to get out of it. I started on some meds which I know lots of people have different feelings about but WOW, I saw a difference in 2 weeks - from despair to... I don't even know how to describe it. Just "goodness."
That made me get out of sweatpants and comb my darn hair. Then more socializing, then off to the gym, then out on dates, then hoping on more creative endeavors, then breaking out the Adventure Bowl (which will be my next post).
I don't know how long I'll stay on these meds. It's just helping me ride out this wave of... I don't even know what... bumpiness of life? Yeah, I guess that's it. I feel more happy, connected to myself and productive. So I'll stick with it for another month or two. To be honest, I really haven't felt this down since my cousin was killed but I did have the where-with-all to know "this is just chemical," I knew it was truly something meds could help with.
I hope that brings you up to speed. About that luscious boy I was speaking about? Well, he's really sweet, really foxy and I like him. Some red flags are jumping up in terms of anything long term but I am trying to tell myself to just SHUT UP and enjoy it. It's just been a few dates, no need to get into my head right now and ruin it.
Does that answer everything? You can ask me anything in the comments and I will answer! I was floored and so happy to receive so many comments on the last post along with emails of support. You guys and gals are the best! :) xoxoxo K
If you leave a comment, make sure to check back in! I will be replying to all of them. Thank you ;)
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19 comments:
glad you are back!
I totally missed you while you were gone, I find your blog so much like my life. I would love to read it even when you are going through a hard time! It helps so much.
I'm glad you're back and doing better. My best friend went on meds for a little while after her brother died and it really helped her. I think that we owe it to ourselves to do whatever we can to help ourselves. I have never really struggled with a depression like that before but when I get down I try to think about all the good things, which is sometimes VERY HARD. Even if I can't see them in my own life I try to find them in other places, or I fake it til I make it. That helps me. Over thinking kills me more often than not. So I try to stay in the moment (which sounds totally cliche) I saw Happy Thank You More Please and I love how the character is always saying thank you for good things that happen and then asking for more. I try to do this (when I remember) and I find that even this small thing makes me smile.
I hope that you continue to feel better. I love reading your blog and I am incredibly grateful that you are sharing your life so fully. I think that it helps everyone feel connected and we need more of that in this world.
Anonymous, Lisa and dreamgypsie, thank you, thank you for taking the time to write. dgypsie, I especially loved what you said, "I think that we owe it to ourselves to do whatever we can to help ourselves." Yes, exactly!
And I dove back into the Adventure Bowl and look forward to writing more about that soon :) That always helps my mood and makes me feel so strong and happy!
Welcome back! Your blog is one of the handful that I've read all the archives/every post. I'm glad your pendulum is on the upswing right now!
I'm not a fan of meds that are just covering up a symptom that stems from the root of a fixable problem that people take INSTEAD of fixing the issue (knowhatImean, like someone taking cholesterol meds caused by being obese instead of trying to lose weight to see if it fixes the issue, etc), but it sounds like you're using them in a responsible manner. Sometimes we all need a little help. And regardless, who am I/we/any one else to judge if it's helping you. :)
Quix, thanks. I should also say, I believe in meds + therapy. If you're not getting the problems out - then you're just covering them up with meds. What's the point? I don't mind doing the hard work of therapy either - this just felt like a bigger job than just therapy alone could handle.
So we are definitely on the same page as far as meds go! Hopefully I can be off them and just consider this a short circumstance I needed them during.
Great to hear your voice!
I've been finding myself hitting another one of those crossroads in life, a particularly extended road solely paved with crossroads.
Living back with my parents when I'm almost 30 years old, job hunting, and being so far away from LA where I've been calling home for the better part of the past six years has been quite the change.
I've been realizing that, no matter how much I want to focus on my professional aspirations, I am starved for social interaction. I've been rather stressed (and sick) from all the job hunting and debating the NEXT BIG LIFE DECISION. It's quite unnerving to be social when you're the only one unemployed and pretty tapped out financially. I need to get back out there, figure out my next move, make the jump, and, most importantly, bring friends back into the picture, as well as romantic interests ;).
Glad to hear there is an attractive suitor in your love life!
It's always great to read your posts! I completely agree that in today's world it's hard to be happy all the time. My coach use to always tell me to smile no matter what you felt like on the inside. Even if it didn't make you feel happy, it brightened the day for anyone else who saw you. I'm not sure I completely agree with her, but some times it works. Too bad a smile can't cure everything, but I hope you're smiling more often soon cuz your posts, no matter what about, always bring a smile to my face!
I'm so glad you're back, too. And I want to echo what someone else said and just say, you can always post during the bad times. That's when I find you the most inspirational because you always try really hard to get out of it.
AG...you touch on a lot of our lives even if we are married stay home mom's! Just shows we all have a lot of the same struggles and issues no matter where life brings us. It's nice to know we aren't in it alone.
= ) Missed you!
Jodi
Swoon, you all make me feel so good. At The Candy Monster, I feel very much like you - in the "starting over" aspect. I know you didn't ask for tips, but here goes: check out some "Meet ups" in your area, I did a photography one for free in NYC, as for going out with friends, hell, I sneak my own bottle of wine into the bar, ask for an extra glass and that equals a few free nights here and there! LOL
Lex, my Mom must be friends with your coach, LOL. Yeah, the just snap on a smile just makes me deny and push down how I really feel. Soon, I find that I don't know what my feelings are about anything because I'm not used to accessing them. Writing in a journal has been amazing for me.
Lindsay, thank you and I will take that to heart and really push myself to be here in good times and bad - everyone reaching out has meant so much to me!
RadoMom/Jodi - you are so special to me ;) Thanks for sticking by me, I really mean it!
You are back!!! finally! I have been checking your blog frequently and hoping for a new post since (what seems like a very)long time. The special thing about your blog is I feel like i know you as a person. A "real" person going through "real" life with its minor and major troubles, good and bad accidents, stories of love, hate and everything in between. You are not selling any product, any tip or any philosophy. You are making us a part of your life and from where I see it , you have a very interesting one. I have never seen you bogged down with sadness for too long, you always get up, take the life by the reins, devour you adventure balls..oops bowl ;), and come back to us ..with so much love , openness and honesty. You have no idea how lucky you are, being you.
YOUR BLOG ROCKS and I'm so glad you're back. Now don't go away again!
Yay! So glad to have you back!! Ali
Your blog is my little bright spot on the internet. I've really watched you grow and get stronger through these posts so it only seems natural that you'd have a setback. It's normal and also, that's what I find so relatable about you. Keep writing, don't stop, even when time's get tough.
We are waiting for the next post....its been a long time !!
Dude, I totally miss you. And I am the EXACT same way... hence the stagnant blog that once was.... once upon a time... collecting cobwebs. I shut down and lock my self away when things aren't bright and cheery. Soooo, what, we're going on like a year now, eh?
Hope you are well. if you're still in LA we should get coffee or something. OH WAIT, I'm tied down like no other. BAH!
I found your blog today through a Google search after a sad night feeling lonely and down--and I'm so glad I'm here. I can feel that "goodness" you talk about just reading back through your archives...and tonight it has been such a godsend. Thank you for this encouraging, safe, and genuine place you've created and for sharing your experiences. I feel so alone sometimes when my depression creeps up on me and it is so comforting to see how you've dealt with similar problems. THANK YOU again! I'll be back for more!
-Jane
Anonymous... and everyone... wow... your comments mean so much... I will definitely post again SOON! Thank you for reading :)
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