Thursday, February 3, 2011

So Whatever Happened to That Guy I Found On Craigslist?

Okay, so a lot of you asked, “What’s going on with your dating life?”  I know there’s a big gap in these entries.  In one, I talked about pulling out an adventure one week, the adventure of Asking A Guy Out On A Date.  When I just couldn’t quite get the nerve up to do it and time was running out, naturally, I just--

Put an ad up for him on Craigslist.  LOL.  And it worked.  We set a date to go out to a bar near me.  We exchanged pictures and I thought he was very cute.  I was a wreck getting ready… I mean, I haven’t really done the whole “blind date” thing in a really long time.  What do I wear?  On the one hand, you want to dress for you and what makes you confident.  On the other hand, yeah, I wanna look cute for him, too.

I wore a really fun, colorful t-shirt, a black lace cardigan which dressed it up and wore jeans and way sexy shoes.   I can’t tell you how nervous I was waiting for him.  It just seemed too good to be true that this would work out in ANY WAY.

Then he walked in, he waved and I was glad he knew it was me right away.  A lot of my guy friends talk about how they hate when girls misrepresent themselves in photos.  (Um, PS, Guys, we hate when you do that, too.)   His hair was longer than his photos, I’m just going to break it down, it was kooky hair but I loved it.  Kind of mop top curly.  And he had beautiful blue eyes and a nice smile.  Tall, I liked that too.  Smelled good, more points.

I was super nervous, but the vodka soda with a splash of cranberry was easing that.  And when I get buzzed I get very chatty but since he was shy, I think it worked out.  There was a peck on the cheek on that date and a lot of hugging.  It was very sweet and soon after he asked me out again, and again and again.  In fact, we went on six dates.

He spent time at my place playing with the dogs, we took them on long walks and held hands, we ordered dinner in and went out for dinners, too.   But my red flag was kind of going up the more we went out.  I have this type I always go out with and after one of my last relationships, I swore:  never again.

It’s the emotionally distant guy.  The ones with secrets, usually around the family, that won’t talk about anything.  They want to act like life started the day they met you and go from there.  Any “prying” (which is how they see it) into their past, which I think is just normal conversation, the way to get to know someone results in a giant wall being put up.

This concerned me.  I had already been concerned that maybe I was latching onto D because I was new in a city and this made it less lonely.  That is not a good or fair reason to date someone.  But the red flags about this other part really made me put the brakes on the whole thing.  I knew I would just become more and more attached and I knew I would be defying a promise I made myself to NOT date guys like this.   (I will say, if it sounds like I am being vague, there was one secret he was keeping from me which I figured out and it just put a knot in my stomach that he would not talk about it.  But I want to respect his privacy so that’s all I’ll say).

I don’t want to date guys like this because it puts me in my comfort zone.  If he’s not sharing, I don’t have to.  Then we are never really close.  And I can’t get hurt.

So I told him as much as I could without hurting him.  I didn’t think he needed to be deeply critiqued after a half a dozen dates.  I know what I want but that doesn’t make him a bad person or a person that has to change.  I put it all on me.  It was hard.  I even cried because he’s so sweet.  Who wouldn’t want to hang out with a sweet person?

It’s been hard.  He had once asked me when my birthday was.  And magically, on my birthday, a text came from his out of state area code.  (I didn’t know anyone else from here, so it had to be him).  It wished me a great birthday.  I started to cry.  It had been a month since we’d seen each other and he still remembered.  No one else had remembered my birthday at that point in the day so it really made me feel special.

I emailed him back about how much it meant to me.  I was really missing him but didn’t say so.  He emailed back—he was embarrassed because the email wasn’t from him.  (I would later found out it was from my cousin who lived in the same state but HAD never called me, never mind remembered my birthday. 

Now it was time for me to be embarrassed.

He said some really beautiful things in the email.  That he thought I was awesome and so much fun to be around.  And the ball was in my court because he would love to see me again.

I wasn’t sure what to do.  I wondered if I was just missing “someone” but maybe not D.  I didn’t want to hurt someone again.  But I said yes, I would like to see him, as friends, like he suggested.

But soon, he never responded to that email.  I sent another.  He replied.  He was getting really busy at work.  And oh so busy on the weekends.  He wasn’t one to play games.  I just imagined the wall was going up again.  He didn’t want to get hurt just like it was me before, that didn’t want to get hurt.

So there it is.  The lesson though is, I’ll NEVER regret putting that Craigslist ad up and meeting D.  It was one of the (pardon the language) ballsy-est things I’ve done.  I’ve thought of doing it again, hey maybe I just will.  It was nice to laugh with someone, get dressed up for someone and get excited to see them. 

Even if it didn’t work out, I was proud of myself for not falling back into old patterns.  I know I want more and that I deserve more…

So I’m putting “Ask A Guy Out On A Date” back in the Adventure Bowl.  Maybe somewhere near the top so I can pick it really soon!

Also, are there any patterns you're trying to break in dating?  Or that you had to break to find the right guy?  I'd love to know.




Anonymous said...

Oh, the patterns. Yes. I'm nearly 50, and just figuring it out. All the guys I've dated have been so different, so it was hard to see the pattern - especially since it was something in ME.

When my mom got divorced, she leaned on me for emotional support. I was ten.

As an adult, I was very strong - but didn't want to be. I've only just realized that I attract men who like really strong women ... and then when I get comfortable and want to be vulnerable & cared for, they start wondering where that strong woman they fell in love with went.

My last relationship was with someone who is not comfortable at ALL with people who are having problems. He was willing to go to the hospital with me for my surgery, but only came to see me once at home while I was recovering. He'd call once a day to "check in", but rarely spoke for more than a few minutes. This was after three years of dating!

He appears, at first, to be a guy who likes to help - he's a teacher, and he loves to lecture you, if you need help with your computer, or about books or politics. But when you ask for life advice, he's quick to point out "I'm not going to tell you what to do, it's your life".

Apparently, I started coming off as "clingy", and he panicked, terrified that I wanted him to be responsible for me. A bad combo! He's really not a bad person, and we're still friends ... but I've stopped dating for a while to do some work on myself, lol.

My current adventure is taking burlesque dance classes. This weekend I'll be "stage maid" for the troupe - running onstage after the acts & picking up the boas & bras & stuff. I'm fat & nearly 50, but apparently don't look to bad all corsetted up. ;)

Michelle/MouseDemon said...

Okay. Using a Bridget Jones quote (I know, the shame!) I am a SmugMarried. Met Hubs on a blind date when we were both 18. Next year, that will be 20 years ago! However, I won't let that stop me from commenting! :P

Well done you for getting back on the dating horse. Kudos for doing it, and meeting a nice bloke. Okay, he wasn't The One, but you know what? Doesn't matter at all. You are learning from each experience. You are listening to your Inner Voice, and not settling for what you don't want. Cos the thing is, when you do meet the right guy, it does work. It might be hard work (sometimes really hard fecking work.) But you both do it, it's worth it, and that's what makes a relationship.

He is out there, if you want him. But make sure you really have fun in the looking for him! :D

Michelle/MouseDemon said...

And this is just because I forgot to tick the blooming Email Follow-comments! DOH!

Karen said...

Love the way you wrote this post. Full of insight & fun, without details that might hurt the other person. Open but also private. Delicate balance :)

Thanks for sharing. Have not dated in 25+ years, and got a good chuckle out of imagining a Craigslist posting. Yikes! You are one brave woman.

dolmadez said...

Good for you for trying! Even though it became kind of difficult, it was still worthwhile, and that's awesome.

I tried to go back through your blog and find all of the items in your "Adventure Bowl," but couldn't find them. Would you please link me to the list?

adventure grrl said...

Hi Everyone,

It means so much that you would reply on my post. Tomorrow, I will write to each of you, so check back here!

Dolmadez, to find the Adventure Bowl links, go up to the top left corner of the page. You will see a blank space to "search" right by the Blogger "B" logo. Type in "Adventure Bowl." Some just talk about Adventure Bowl but the posts that are truly Adventure Bowl posts, have Adventure Bowl in the Title and on the second line of the title is the adventure I did.

I hope you like them!

Tiffany said...

I am glad you updated! And oh man do I have patterns~! I am 36 and it appears I am going through (another) divorcen. We are recently separate.... I think :~| It's complicated...But I end up in a relationship, turn into the person that the guy needs me to be, so much so that I lose myself completely~ Wake up one day unhappy and try to figure out how to be me ~ with them~ and realize how much that it does not and cannot work. Counseling is not helping our relationship but I hope it can help with my "pattern from hell" in the future....AAAAH! :|
I hope you put pull the date adventure again~ life is a series of experiences. Not everyone is Mr Right, but they are in our lives for a reason.
Can't wait to see more of your awesome adventures!
Have a wonderful weekend!

Freestyle Mom said...

you are one smart cookie, my friend.

Anonymous said...

It's a lot of pressure to be the constant go-go-go girl on the internet. It can't ALWAYS be inspirational, and it can't ALWAYS be upbeat.

When I first started reading your blog I loved it's charm for showing all the good, bad, & ugly. The upbeat, "I can do it!" "Hear me roar!" posts were great - but kept in check with the "Oh, that sucks" and "Didn't see that one coming" posts amongst it.

It's not 'falling off the wagon' to have real days.

adventure grrl said...

Melly, you own me! You have me so pegged. I've missed you a lot. Thanks for the, always perfect, insightful comment. Really, thank you.

adventure grrl said...

Sorry I am so late getting back to everyone:

Beeyochkitty, it sounds like we have dated a lot of the same types of guys. I especially related when you said: "As an adult, I was very strong - but didn't want to be. I've only just realized that I attract men who like really strong women ... and then when I get comfortable and want to be vulnerable & cared for, they start wondering where that strong woman they fell in love with went. " Trying not to pretend I am soooo strong. Because I am not.

Trying to be better at representing the true me, with all the flaws, right from the beginning.

Michelle - Love your comment! You are so supportive and I really appreciate that!

Karen, your comment meant a lot to me. I want to be as honest as possible here but yes, protective of people that might not want their secrets shared. I loved that you noticed :)

Tiffany, I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I really related to the idea of losing yourself completely in a relationship. It is another thing I have to look out for. I'm really rooting for you and thank you for your sweet comment.

FreeStyle Mom - you know I love you!