TRUTH!

And How Are You...?

I received this sweet message in my in box: "It's quiet here. It's TOO quiet. Do hope all is well & if not, that you are doing what you need to do to take good care of yourself. Come back when you can, you are missed."


Things are good... well, I won't lie, they've actually been tough.  One night in February, I was out having margaritas with "The Boy I Asked Out On Craigslist."  He had been one of my Adventure Bowl adventures and truly one of the best adventures yet.  But he was divorced and reeling from it and I was tired of dating guys who were getting over girls who were jerks.  The girls not the boys.  Though a guy not being able to get over a jerky girl often made them jerky themselves.


I had recently pulled out of the Adventure Bowl, "Start Going To Therapy" and the therapist had sort of insinuated that perhaps I had been too quick to throw this particular divorced fish back in the pond.  So we were having margaritas and talking and laughing and flirting and now I was thinking too, perhaps I had made a mistake.


Only, cute, tall, smart guys, even when they are jerky with jerky exes do not stay single for long.  He let me know, though I had released him back out into the dating wild a month ago, he was already seeing someone.  For a month.


Then he grabbed me and kissed me, leaving me to feel even more confused than ever.


But there was no time to explore this because at the same time I was making out with this jerk (now a confirmed jerk because he was seeing someone else, yet kissing me) my Dad was being transported by ambulance 3,000 miles away and would spend the next three weeks in intensive care, organs shutting down, desperately fighting for his life.


So that is why I have fallen off the face of the Earth.


And how are you?  Please tell me, distract me from myself.  I mean it!


That said, it's not like I have not been here before, sick and sad and worried over a sick parent.   I'm just getting tired of it, frankly.


However, I have not given up on the Adventure Bowl and it has saved my ass through this especially cruel few months.  One adventure especially has changed my life:  "Join Crossfit."  When you are feeling mentally broken down, there is nothing like pushing yourself way, way, way beyond your physical boundaries.


And finding those boundaries are meant to be broken.  I have spent a lot of time, drenched in sweat feeling completely broken on the floor of a gym yet with a smile on my face, shocked by what I can now do, physically.  


There's some news regarding my Dad that I can share soon... and I will, I promise.  Life lately has made me feel like "broken on the gym floor" is a very familiar place.  But I'm definitely seizing strength from it.  Getting mentally tough in ways that really surprise me.


This all might sound vague - so I'll put it this way, that Adventure Bowl has saved my ass once again.  My Dad getting so sick and nearly dying would have for sure put me to bed for way longer than 100 Days.  But a "new" (yet still very imperfect) me has emerged since starting these adventures and I beat back the sadness that threatened to take me down.


Summer is upon us.  What adventure will you partake in?  What is the thing you are dealing with right now that you most wish you had the strength for?  I'd love to know.


And Karen, thank you for the sweet comment that got me to write this post ;)




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And How Are You...?

Adventure Bowl Ask A Guy Out On A Date: Dates 1, 2 and 3... :)

Wow.  Is this my life?  Can you meet a great guy in a major city who is funny, smart, has feelings and is not afraid to feel them.  Oh, did I mention cute? Like majorly foxy, and tall.  With blue eyes.  And cheek bones!

I'm in a serious state of swoon.

Thank you, Adventure Bowl.  If you don't know how it all started, how I reached into my Adventure Bowl and pulled out, "Ask A Guy Out on A Date" then go down a few posts and read it all.  I thought I would be happy just to go out on a date that night and not be murdered.  The fact that I have gone on several MORE dates with someone I like, and like to kiss, is icing on the cake.

Me and my Craigslist List mystery man met at a beer and wine bar near me.  I didn't have huge expectations for the night.  I don't think I even showered, LOL... beyond showering that morning.  I put on makeup, a cute top and perfume but I hadn't felt that "indescribable something" that you want to feel when you see someone's picture in your inbox, so yeah, I didn't want to have all this build up before the date just to be disappointed (if that makes any sense.)

But the second I saw him, shyly peek his head around the corner and meet my glance, I thought, "Oh, shit, I should have showered!  He's so cute."  And he was. Tall, (6'3), blue eyes, funky glasses, a warm smile.  The smile is everything, isn't it?  I, of course, was immediately thrown and nervous and spoke a mile a minute about what I knew about the bar and all the different craft beers they had while an inner monologue was running through my head, "Dear God, don't blow it... wow, he smells good.  JUST ACT NORMAL!!!!"  Smile.  "Hi."

He grabbed us some beers and we talked and laughed.  And he was funny and sweet and smart and one thing that struck me was he had this beautiful optimism about life and that is something I really want in a person.  Soon we were running off to the bar across the street and then the bar across from that.  We talked all night long... my time in NYC, his job, his future, he might go back to school, his nieces and nephews, my nephews, my dogs, our dating life.

And then... he brings this up even now, how I reached over and just touched his face.  And I don't know what made me do it.  I think he was talking about something really personal (he is out of a very long relationship) and he looked a little sad talking about it, how painful it had been for it to end in the way it did and I just think I wanted to comfort him.  Something I might not have done had the beer not been flowing but he looked at me, his attention just sort of, took all of me in as if to say, thank you.

I can't explain it.  

We kissed but I was conscious of knowing this needs to be taken slow.

So we did.

Our second date was dinner at a nice restaurant.  More laughing and talking.  Less huge fireworks.  Hey, where did all the chemistry go?  Perhaps I'm just scared.  We kissed goodbye on a street corner and went our separate ways.  The next morning, there was an email, he had had so much fun and was looking forward to our next date.  Was I available Saturday evening?  He already knew the perfect place in mind.

We met there at 6:30pm.  At 2:00am we were still talking as the bar closed.  Laughing, being silly.  Holding hands.

I won't lie.  I'm scared.  I haven't liked anyone in 3 years.  Oh no, maybe 5 years.  In this real way.  A grown up way.  

So there we are.  I don't know what will happen.  It's sometimes easy and wonderful and other times, I'm quite scared.  I don't want to get hurt.  I don't have the time!  Or the energy!  I can't be down again.  I can't be let down.

I'm afraid I won't get up.

Yet there are times, too, when all of a sudden, his hand is on my back or his he pulls me in for a hug and I think... just go for it.  Stop over analyzing it.  Stop trying to break it.  Stop trying to end it before it even begins.

So that's where I am.  Feeling the reward of taking a crazy chance.  Taking an ad out for a man, essentially ordering him up like a pepperoni pizza, LOL, and it being pretty damn great.

I don't know what it will all be.  It might just be for right now.  Or it might be a lesson in just putting myself out there.  But I'll take it.

That's enough for me.

What are you doing to take a chance?  It's the new year, you must want to.  I swear, if shy ol' me can advertise for a man, you can not only do that, but you can DO ANYTHING you want.  What's your adventure?  Tell me in the comments!

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Adventure Bowl
Ask A Guy Out On A Date: Dates 1, 2 and 3... :)

"Snap Out Of It!" Or Shit You DON'T Say To Someone Who Is Depressed

I always read your comments and believe me, they really mean a lot to me.  Today an email alert popped up in my Gmail account and I started to STRESS OUT immediately.  "Oh God, it's a reader calling me out on my BS... I said I'd have a new post up last week and now it's this week and still... no new post!"

My life, lately, is a Cathy cartoon of "Acks!"  (And eating crazy amounts of chocolate and feeling bad about myself in a bathing suit even though it's not bathing suit season, nor is it even close to bathing suit season.)

You feel me?  

But I read this sweet commenter's comment because it meant a lot to me that they took the time to write.  And then I had to read it again.  Because while I was struggling with what I might look like in a bathing suit in six months, they were struggling with something much deeper.

Here's the comment:

ANONYMOUS said...

Hi, I am a guy who has been in bed for 100 days or more depending on who you ask. I wanted to say that your stories do cross the gender boundaries and that reading your posts has been enlightening. It is nice to know that just because you have been depressed for a long time doesn't mean you are a loser, and that I am not the only one languishing in bed for days on end. 

People truly do not understand why it is that we do things like not leave the house, or turn down offers to go out in order to lay in bed. "Snap out of it!" has been hurled at me more than once, it is allot harder to "snap out of it" then others may realize. Perhaps this blog can shed some light on the process, and make people understand what it really means to be depressed. Thanx.

January 17, 2012 10:17 AM

I quickly fired back a reply, that I hope makes sense or inspires or offers, at least, a little bit of hope:

Dear Anonymous

Your comment popped up in my email and I wanted to reach out and let you know I am thinking about you. It sucks being depressed. When I was at my darkest times, I did make a deal with myself:

1) Take a shower every day
2) Get some sunshine every day with a five minute walk
3) Write in your journal - which can just be a notebook, just get your feelings out in some way.

I was surprised I started to at least feel a crack of light once I did these things. Other things that might help... 

1) Do you have job benefits? If you do, therapy is the best!
2) Is there one friend you can check in with a few times a week, even just for a laugh? Isolating is the worst.
3) I joined an online support group when I was feeling especially alone. It really helped. 

You sound as disillusioned as I did but there is the same spirit in you that I had, the desire to get better. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Kayla

I have no idea if what I said will help.  I mostly, when I was in my heap on my bed, wanted to know I wasn't alone.  I was lucky that I had access to benefits and got myself medicated and in therapy, although to be honest, that did not help me for a long, long time.  That said, my depression was pretty God damn severe and was compounded by losing my cousin, job and boyfriend in such a short amount of time and then my Mom getting sick.

What I'm trying to say is, yeah, it takes time and it does take effort.   No one who is depressed is ever going to "Snap out of it."  That's as ridiculous as standing in front of the mirror and thinking if you wished to be 20 pounds thinner, you could just wish it away.  "Drop off! C'mon, I said it, so do it!  Drop off."

Ridiculous.

THE GOOD NEWS: You want some good news regarding your depression?  Now this is just my opinion but I'll tell you this - I would rather have had a depression THAN not had one.  

Yeah, that's right.

Why is that?  Well, most people I know are experiencing some low level depression anyway.  Maybe they just don't have any energy or they shop or lay on the couch or watch endless amounts of TV to cover it up.  Maybe they are having a glass of wine earlier and earlier in the day to not think about how dissatisfied they are with their life.  Maybe they don't even know they are dissatisfied, they have gotten so used to this feeling.

A depression punches you in the gut and leaves you writhing on the floor.  The ONLY way to get better is to work through it.  To ask some really f'ing tough and uncomfortable questions about how you got here.  Giving your depression, your dissatisfaction, the time and energy it deserves - WILL GIVE BACK TO YOU 1,000,000 times over!

I promise.  I promise.  I promise.

Did I miss anything?  Is there anything you would like to tell Anonymous, whether cheering him on or giving him advice?  Do it in the comments!

*****

"Snap Out Of It!" Or Shit You DON'T Say To Someone Who Is Depressed