Saturday, November 10, 2007

Fear & Loathing & Yoga Girls

If I could be anything in the world right now, I would be a yoga girl. I would sashay into a yoga studio (or maybe hurry, I think yoga girls hurry because they are a little late because their boyfriends dropped them off outside and they were busy "making out" good-bye.) Anyway, these girls are lithe and thin or maybe both those words mean the same thing, but at any rate, I want to be one of them and not me.

You know how I said I was going to do anything and everything to get out of my down-in-the-dumpers? Well, I'm starting to get to the task at hand. What are the things that make me feel good that I need to do in order to feel like the old way I felt when I felt really, really good?

I did yoga.

But yoga is for lithe and thin girls who either sashay or hurry into class. They can hold poses forever and a day, do downward dogs, hold their butts up with no big butt shame shame and NOT have the general expression of someone who looks like they are going to have a heart attack in the first ten minutes of class as I'm sure I would.

I scanned the class schedule. Flow Yoga. Ashanti Yoga. Where was the Chunky Legs & Thighs Yoga? Where was the My Ass Has Spread Faster Than a California Wildfire Yoga? Mmmm, this looks interesting. Pre-natal Yoga. That's where the pregnant ladies go. Probably not a lot of big expectations about what they can do. Probably not a lot of big butt & belly shame in there.

What if I took that class? How would anybody know? I pondered this, I wondered: Could I be that desperate and that well, ashamed of my body and ashamed of the things I think it can only do now after over 100 days in bed and I'm sure partial rigormortous has set in, that I would fake a pregnancy just so I could go to an easier pregnancy class?

Yes, I would. But then I would feel like I wasn't doing what I set out to do. Which was anything and everything and challenging myself and all that stuff I wrote in the "Hello World" entry after two glasses of sparkling Zinfandel and figuring out even a computer moron like me can open a Blogger account.

So I went. To Lithe & Thin & Unbelieveably Model Perfect Body Girl Yoga. Okay, the class wasn't really called that, I just imagined it was. That's the thing, I always imagine things so much worse than they are going to be. I am Queen B of the "psych-out." "You're going to be so embarassed at that yoga class, just stay home. In bed. Napping is your friend." But I fought back on the "psych-out" and I went and I won. Sure my face turned beet red ten minutes in. And yeah, I couldn't hold every pose the whole time. And I might have sweated like I was about to have a massive coronary. But I tuned out what I thought everyone would be thinking about me and my broke down body and I just did what I could which was what was good for me.

And I got through it. And I was freaking proud of myself which I might have not had if I went to a prenatal class and pretended my belly had a baby in it instead of the truth which it was won by a year of grief and sadness and not really moving and not doing anything and everything or challenging myself in anyway. So now when I think I can't do something and my psych-out voice comes on, I'm going to think of me, sweaty and yoga-y, in my last pose, joyfully shakin' my butt in the air, like I just don't care.


djwade said...

Yoga starts from where you are and goes forward. That's what you are doing. (And besides, there are several really good Yoga teachers on PBS & DVDs. Who's going to make fun of you in your living room?)

Furthermore, the sexual rewards of all that flexibility are beyond thought. (Dreams maybe, wishes possibly, but you get the picture.)


Shenna said...

Great Job! Glad you went and had a great time!

Anonymous said...

I am a college student in So. CA, and as I sit here trying my hardest to write an engaging, imforming and professional cover letter for an internship, I found your blog to be the perfect distraction. Thank you for sharing your blog with everyone and providing me with something to read while my mind seaches for something to write that will get me on the path to my dream career.

Good luck with the WGA strike...I hope things work out in favor of the talented writers, like yourself, that provide America with entertaining shows and an escape from reality.

Anonymous said...

Enjoying your blog. Big butts are sexy. And the thin yoga girls need some more meat on their bones. You rock, though, for going even though you were intimidated.

adventure grrl said...

"Big Butts Are Sexy" - Thanks for reminding me. I think that would look perfect on a t-shirt! xo

Selena said...

Been there with you!!..My Bed has been my,Sanctuary for the last Yr..and Some More!!HAPPY AND SAFE!
To hide away from the World,While Everthing and Every-One..Keeps Moving-On...Its Hard to make a Change.No one wants Change as,we Humans,need our comfort Zone..Mine being my Bedroom..However,like yrself,need to say Enough is enough and change our thought patterns,easier SAID-THAN-DONE!!..I new i had too..When you cant faace looking in the mirror at that Buddha-Bellie`N`Chunky thighs any-More..Then this has got to be yr(My)Turning-Point...So went back to Yoga Again...What i found First,was this world that is still moving-on and leaving me Behind!!...Secondly,found the Posture were a Little harder to find with an extra x2 Stone of flab/Fat!!...But what has inspired my most is that i have Found some Friendly-Faces...And Now that i now have to`Keep-On-Keeping-On`OR`We do get left-behind!!...Love and Blessings to you...n`KEEP-ON-KEEPING-ON`Selena Uk x