First of all, I want to say that my pursuit of big girl jeans went shockingly well. I had a flash as I was entering the mall that I would be found unconscious in a dressing room with LARGE LADY JEANS wrapped around my ankles after I HAD PASSED OUT from the shock of what my new size was. I didn't. They are beautiful. They are fantastic. They cost $19.99. THEY MAY NEED A BANDANA to keep them closed as they don't fit totally perfectly (yeah, that's right, I can't completely zip them up). But it was the last size I could stand getting before I would fall into shock, faint and then be on the news, transported out of the mall by ambulance with big girl jeans around my ankles.
Finding PURPOSE:
Two years ago, I was sitting in the Writer's Room of the televison show I was working on and I had a profound revelation: I am not happy. Even with a dream job, even with a rockin' big salary, even after buying a kicking house in the hills, even with a boyfriend who is smart and funny and looks great with his shirt off, even with awesome friends and a healthy family. I am not happy. I KNOW, YOU PROBABLY WANT TO SLAP ME. I had it all and I still had something to complain about.
Things started to gnaw at me right after my cousin passed away. Maybe because I spent a lot of time in bed, staring at the ceiling fan go round and round. IT STARTED TO COME AT ME... I have NO PURPOSE IN LIFE. I cap it 'cause it hit me like a ton of bricks how lost and sad I was. How you can have everything on the outside look so good, and yet on the inside, feel like you have nothing at all.
I write this, I cap letters because I know a lot of you feel the same way. We project happiness, yet there A BIG OL' CLOUD O' TURMOIL a' brewwin' on the inside. I want people to know that you can have "BIG TIME" bummed-outted-ness and still get over it. I've had big ones, small ones, long ones short ones. I've had bummed-outted-ness that was over boys, over fights with friends, ones that were over the devastation of an enormous credit card bill.
But THIS WAS THE BIGGEST ONE OF ALL. My family was falling apart and I had no purpose in life. But now I feel like I do. I've spent over 100 days in bed and then decided... I don't want to anymore. I have not even fractionally figured out my life but I do know that blogging, connecting with you guys over being depressed and trying to FIGHT MY WAY OUT OF IT, even if in my case it sometimes makes me sound like a crazy fool... that is my purpose. Yay! Seriously, this is big for me. Bigger than finding big girl jeans and avoiding being on the news with large lady jeans wrapped around my ankle.
OF PICKET SIGNS:
If any of you are feeling dissatisfied with your life, I have some advice: YOU NEED TO PICKET LIFE. It sounds crazy but by new obsession is picketing. I am doing it because I am a member of the Writer's Guild of America and we are picketing all the Studios because we think the terms of our contract is unfair. WE WANT MORE - JUST LIKE LIFE. We need to do things now that will protect us later - JUST LIKE LIFE. We drew up a list of things that we need to have in order to take care of ourselves. I think you should, too. You don't even have to be picketing a big studio and be handed out pizza by Eva Longoria or donuts by Jay Leno or burritos by Jimmy Kimmel (although, wouldn't it be awesome if you were!) Write up you list. What are you dissatisfied with? What are you MAD AS HELL about and NOT GOING TO TAKE ANYMORE? You write your list, I'm gonna write mine.
This past Monday when I went out on the picket lines and me and "McDreamy", YES PATRICK DEMPSEY, on his motorcycle, leaving Prospect Studios, made eye contact in a way that I felt said, "Keep Rocking those Sweats and that Picket Sign, Girl" - I have never felt so exilarated. Okay, maybe I have. But it's been a while. But I was out there, with a picket sign, I believed in what I was protesting, I HAD PURPOSE. I chanted, I swung my sign, I "whoo-hooed" at honking cars and I shouted on a bull horn. I have never felt so much adreneline in my life. Okay, maybe I have. But it's been a while.
I'm taking this mentality and I'm APPLYING IT TO LIFE. Let's write our lists, let's make our signs, let's draw our line in the sand. Let's claim what we want, when we want it and how we're gonna get it! Get your bullhorns out, get your signs made, get marching FOR WHAT YOU WANT IN LIFE. When you look back in ten years or twenty, you'll be so glad you did.
8 comments:
I can so relate to your post. I had my first fat girl jean moment, but I bought them online. Couldn't bring myself to go into Lane Byrant. What if someone saw me??
Anyway, I've gone through similar things in that my boyfriend died suddenly a year a half ago, 3 days before he was going to propose. Since then I've gained 30lbs and mourned my way into credit card debit. I'm just now starting the process of trying to turn my life in a different direction. I look forward to reading about your journey. You are not alone.
i know the fat girl jeans, but my thing is hooded sweatshirts and keeping my hands in my pockets. that's the "fat girl" trend that i want liberation from!
Having traveled through my own dark tunnel, I can tell you the worst part of being in it is not knowing how long you have to walk in that space.
I feel like it would have been much less torturous had I had a deadline to count down to, at which point I would have known that all that darkness would be behind me.
But when you do get out, it's a miracle and the whole thing is a memory and so I advise you to just keep walking forward and know that each step brings you that much closer to the end of this painful journey.
Calimitch
http://calimitch.blogspot.com/
Picketing Life! I love that. When my husband took a powder seven months ago I crawled into a hole and was certain that I would never emerge. 100 days in bed is right! But I'm finally feeling like there's light at the end of the tunnel! It feels good. Almost like an opportunity that I didn't know I was missing.
I am dealing with my own tide of sadness and on the outside everyone thinks I'm happy. Your posting, I found by accident, resonated with me. I appreciate your honesty and your humor. Life can be a bitch, but I hang in there and keep on plugging away. Keep on blogging and telling the truth. Thanks for your blog.
Dear Anonymous,
I so get your quote, "dealing with my own tide of sadness... but everyone thinks I'm happy on the inside." Been there, done that. I've got a new attitude and even though I hold some sadness down, I'm trying a new experiment where I TELL PEOPLE HOW I FEEL. If they can't handle it, well, that tells me something about them! This new approach is new and shocking and delightful. Just try it, just once. You might be surprised :)
My own experience has led me to believe that when we're depressed or down on life, we often really just need to get straight in our heads with whatever form of spirituality we believe in- or we need to figure out exactly what it is we believe in!
Personally, I'm a Buddhist, but for you it might be something else. You can even be atheist, but the key is that we need to feel secure and firm in our belief system and what we're doing on this rock.
Then the fun in life is much easier to get to!
The Buddhist answer to why you weren't happy with the bf, job, house, etc is that those are all just temporary things. They're going to fade away; someday, everyone dies or changes or dumps you. Every job comes to an end, via firing or retiring or quitting to take another one (or hiatus because the network suits don't know a good show when they see it!) And every house, even one made of stone, will eventually wither away into nothingness.
We need to find our value in life on more core, unchanging things. For Christians, it might be an unshakeable faith in God and belief that Jesus saves. For Buddhists, at least of my own branch, it's that the law of cause and effect is constant, so is our life force or "soul", and by striving to connect with our most innermost bedrock selves (our "Buddha nature") we can attain true happiness and satisfaction.
Point of all this rambling? You gotta figure out what your core thing is, then go do that. One counselor I had said that you know you're doing something that God likes when it makes you happy all the way down. It's as good a test as any, isn't it?
Paul said: "You gotta figure out what your core thing is, then go do that. One counselor I had said that you know you're doing something that God likes when it makes you happy all the way down. It's as good a test as any, isn't it?" I love it. You've really given me something to SLOW DOWN and think about. Virtual hugs!
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