Monday, December 10, 2007

I Am Both Things

Sometimes, I close my eyes and I imagine someone trying to EXPLAIN THIS BLOG to a friend and I imagine them say, "It's this girl and she talks about her big butt and how she wishes she could excercise more, lose weight and be attractive to every man she meets, especially THE CUTE ONES who still have THEIR OWN HAIR. Especially if it could be in front of her Old Bad Boyfriend who she swears she doesn't want to get back together with but if he could be so INSANELY JEALOUS of her new SMALL BUTT being cupped by a new attractive guy who most likely resembles David Beckham IN BOY SHORTS, that he (OBB) would spurt beer out of his nose in a fit of JEALOUS RAGE, I think she'd be okay with that, too.

Oh, and then she sometimes talks about her dead cousin and how her mother went crazy." This someone's voice would trail off as if they were trying to figure how how the two parts of my life go together. "Yeah... it's weird."

It is weird. But, I am both things.

I am the girl who likes pink and glittery eyeshadow especially with gloss (only if you are doing a subtle cheek). I like fake furs on a cold day with a Vogue and a Vanity Fair tucked in close on my way to a pedicure. I like gossiping about co-workers, dreaming about boys, praying that my ass will be smaller when I wake up in the morning and taping pictures of skinny girls in bikinis on my bath room mirror (in a non-lesbian way) as motivation to eat all the vegetables on my plate.

I am also my cousin's murder and my mother's nervous breakdown. I am the girl who can't sleep. I am the girl with nightmares and unexpected crying jags, who hurts and is afraid to get hurt, who wants to love but sees no point in it, who, at one time, (but not anymore) mixed prescription medication with lots of wine in order to only have to lay in bed for .5 seconds before sleep would come because THERE IS NO WAY I CAN BE AWAKE WITH ALL THESE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD ALONE IN THE DARK.

I am both things. If I could save you from it, I would. I would type BAD THINGS in black and GOOD THINGS in pink. But I can't save myself from it, I can just... well, I don't know, I'm still figuring out that last part. So bear with me, I'll get there. I will get there... to a day it's all in pink.


AJ said...

Girl, I think if you dig deep enough in anyone's life you'll find odd combinations like that. Maybe not exactly but... I know a girl who love crafts (think crafty crafts) and is a teenage mom who's baby daddy is serving time for drugs. And a girl who's brother committed suicide, and she loves nothing more than getting dolled up and going dancing. Poor examples maybe, but see what I mean?

And I think you're attitude is dead-on: those are both a part of who you are. Some days are more pink than black, some vice versa, but the pink wouldn't be half as pretty without the black.

BTW, are you freaking over this weird person commenting you? I would be. This is me: I found you off a messageboard on iVillage.

Lokie said...

Funny, I was going to begin with "Girl," too, then I saw the post from aj. So there. You attract girls who say "Girl," to one another!

*Ahem* Girl, you are both of those things, you are all of those things, we are all of those things when we get real. So, amen to all of you, and all of me, and all of everyone!

I am a vegetarian who smokes cigarettes, an enviromentalist who works for a printing company (Oh Trees, please forgive me), a fiercely independent woman who sometimes just wants to be taken care of. I like to laugh, A LOT, but I can also be found crying over my four year relationship that ended two months ago. I am a pacifist, yet I yell at people when they cut me off on the road. I am a walking contradiction. I am a WORK IN PROGRESS!

To me, the truth is that bad things happen. This is called LIFE. It is how we react to them that makes all the difference. And great things happen too! Your blog reminds me that I can simultaneously hate my OBB and hope he is okay.

So, girl, walk on with your contradictory bad self (CBS) and thank you for sharing your life in such a humorous and REAL way.


RadoMom said...

aj is right, with out the black you wouldn't appreciate how pretty pink is!
We all have a dark side. How we emerge from it is the important part.

I've also been through my "100 days in bed" and feel that dark cloud lots of days with questions of who I am and why I'm here. It's nice to know that I'm not alone....because let's face it, even though I have the greatest husband, he's a guy... who trys hard, but doesn't understand the girly brain and all it's craziness. Maybe one of these day's I'll blog it out. But first I have to get my sticky, dirty, covered in dog hair, boogery, 2 year old off my lap!

You're humor is great and spot on.
FYI, I found this blog on the Self Magazine boards....

adventure grrl said...

Hi, Girls, Your compliments are amazing. That was the kind of blog I woke up in the middle of the night about and wanted to erase. Here's to more pink than black in '08 and on!

Julia said...

It's not that weird. In fact, I think it's very normal. And life will never be all pink, but if it were, we wouldn't know it. You need bad things in your life so you know what the good things are. And so you know how meaningful they are. Besides, I think black and pink look good together (even if that trend is over). It's the human experience -- and that my friend, is THE BEST thing.

cl-pooh1972 said...

You are NORMAL. I was the girl who washed down Benedryl with Boone's Farm wine. I am the girl who didn't like children - yet taught them each day. I am the girl who doesn't like most men - yet is in a relationship.

I also found you on iVillage.

P.O.M. said...

Loving your blog!
Regarding this post: I like to say I'm in a constant state of self improvement (although I fail at it frequently).