If you are having trouble starting your diet, going to the gym or putting the figgy pudding down, HERE'S MY ADVICE TO YOU: Get thee to the nearest mall and try on, oh, say, a festive holiday blouse, sweater, shrug, top or cardigan. It can be silk, cotton, acrylic (though I hope it's not), wool, spandex or rayon.
In preparation for the biggest holiday of the year, MY BIRTHDAY, (this Saturday, mark your "Hello Kitty" calendars) I went to the mall to buy a new top. WHAT I FOUND OUT ONCE in my most VUNERABLE STATE OF UNDRESS in the dressing room is almost too HORRIFYING TO ADMIT.
NOTHING FIT. (Not even the Spandex). Not even with sucking in, hardly breathing or imagining certain parts of the body BEING TAPED DOWN WITH DUCT TAPE. NOTHING.
That's when I came up with this BRILLIANT IDEA. (I needed to have brilliant idea or I was going to have a screaming, crying, why did I eat a crossiant nearly everyday for two years hissy fit.) My idea is, Bloomindales or (Insert name of Favorite Department Store here) needs to IMMEDIATELY INSTALL TREADMILLS IN THE DRESSING ROOMS.
I swear, I would have paid $25 bucks to work out right then and there. MAYBE MORE! The stores would make a killing. The treadmills could be coin operated like washers and dryers! And after a workout, I would spend, spend, spend, knowing my 30 minutes on a fifty dollar rent-a-treadmill had given me hope that maybe some of my purchases might fit in 3 - 5 weeks. (Results may vary)
Perhaps, too, like a ride at DisneyLand, they could also take a photo of me ON THE TREADMILL, in the dressing room, wearing the shirt I picked out BUT DOESN'T FIT but I have still insisted on cramming over my head and shoulders and I am probably going to have to be cut out of it in order to give it back. MAYBE IF I SAW MYSELF like that, my stomach peeking out of too tight jeans with a top that looks like a half-shirt because I can't get it over my round-y stomach, I would keep running and running and running and fit into this top in 3- 5 weeks (Results are not typical.)
Okay, I gotta get cooking on this idea. Treadmills! Coming to a mall near you!
8 comments:
I LOVE your blog!!!!
I actually think they should install light settings you can click on depending on what your needs are, like 1. sunset on the beach (helps reduce the appearance of cellulite), 2. extremely dark club (pre ugly lights-cuz you're gonna leave with the cute boy before they come on). 3. fluorescent lights (for work, because you can't avoid it) 4. 15-year-younger setting, so you will without a doubt purchase what you tried on no matter how tight or ill-fitting it is. :)
BTW, I read your blog while eating a ham and brie sandwich from starbucks...now I kind of wish I hadn't. :) must. hit. gym.
hey i am regular reader of your blog . i really love the way u write. So Original and sooo like a normal human. Not like other people who want to project themselves as a superior breed by giving helluva philosopies and free advice. Love ya babes. And just discovered that , we share our birthday .Mine is also this saturday . Hope we have a great life from that day on :)
Jen, Tonya and Rhea,
You are the wind beneath my fried chicken wings. Wait... what? Sorry, when I'm dieting, all I do it think about food. My dog right now mostly resembles a Christmas ham. P.S. Happy b-day, Rhea :)
Haha...you might just be on to something with the treadmills in malls idea! Except, they would most certainly need to be out of public view and not near a single mirror. Two reasons I will not go to a gym until I look like Eva Longoria (and why, at the age of 13 I spent all my money I had saved from my birthday to buy a Gazelle Freestyle that weighed a LOT more than I did at the time). Speaking of Ms. Longoria-Parker....there is NOTHING that compares to standing next to her and seeing what you feared all along (we are the same height...and I USED to think I was petite/average...not anymore).
Oh, and one more thing...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Jess,
Your hatred of Eva Longoria only rivals my sister's. I love it. And what did you do with your Gazelle? Your tragic tale of buying one at 13 haunts me!
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