My butt. I don't like it. It's big. It does not look cute in jeans. As a matter of fact, it has taken on a shape that barely resembles a butt... it's almost oddly square shaped as if the fat doesn't quite know where to go. I HAVE REACHED MY BREAKING POINT.Apparently, so have many of my girlfriends, which is why we have started a kind of sorta of diet club. It's where we can get together, BE GIRL CLICHES, and obessively compulsively talk about diet and exercise until we (hopefully) give each other eating disorders. Whatever it takes, size 8 (6) here I come.
These last two years have been hell on the body and I feel sad for my little (big) self. Instead of treating my body like a temple, I've treated it like a crack den, if by crack, I meant lots of beer and cheese popcorn.
One of the reasons I broke up with my therapist is she kept insisting that what I weighed did not matter. Which is why I had to fire her because to me, IT REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DOES MATTER. I couldn't help but think after she said that, that after 2 years and 6 months of visits and paying her what amounted to what half a car costs - SHE DOES NOT GET ME AT ALL.
She wanted me to say, "I am not my weight."
ME: "But I am"
HER: "No you're not."
ME: "Yes, I am."
HER: "No you're not."
ME: "Yes, I am and you're fired, Lady!"
Then I flipped over her coffee table and her "Psychology Today" magazines and Co-Dependent No More pamphlets went splaying everywhere and I prompted STROMED OFF.
Okay, that last part might be a LIL' exaggerated. The point is, I AM MY BODY. And this body, with it's round belly and big butt, were hard won by grief, sadness, devastating break-up, unemployment, unexpected parent illness (read: mother going crazy), etc. So if I don't acknowledge that I AM MY BODY it's like ignoring all it took to get me here. And P.S., IGNORING what got me here is precisely what it took to get me here - to SQUARE ASS VILLE.
And when I exchange NEW CHUNKY SAD BODY for OLD SELF BODY WITH A ROUND BUTT, I will still be my body, because my body will reflect that along with shedding some LBS., I have also left behind all the sad things that it took to get me there.
8 comments:
This was a funny post! I say, "Off with the fat!"
You can do this!!! I only have 5-10 lbs to lose but I am so incredibly unmotivated it is not even funny. Your blogs are hilarious and inspiring. Thank you for sharing them!
I have over 100 pounds to lose. Right now, I'm only 20 or so pounds into the journey. All my life I have thought I was fat. I just never thought of my body as a weapon of mass destruction... I wonder if I can take out my BF's mom with it? ;-)
Thanks for sharing!
Dear Anonymous,
Bad writing on my part, I should have connected that my butt is my own kind of destruction in that it holds me back from being the MOST CONFIDENT ME. But I'm working on that. In the meantime, yes, we should use our "temporary big butts" to SIT ON PEOPLE that are mean to us! Especially your BF's Mom. :)
I've been reading your blog and you are an AMAZING writer and very inspirational. Thanks for sharing your blog with everyone and keep up the great work!
I enjoy your posts and glad you are standing up to your therapist. That's just ridiculous to ignore the obvious. If it's important to you, it is.
I am not overweight in the least but I am sad, too. Over many things I am not sure how to heal at all. Sadness is the worst. If you can solve that, then 90% of the battle is done. The rest is just a matter of habits.
I'm new here so I'm going back to the archives to read all the old stuff before I read the new stuff.
Wow - kind of makes me wonder what you were paying her for. She doesn't sound like she knows what she's doing.
You, on the other hand, do know what you're doing.
Are you taking patients? Or maybe I should just keep reading...
askaliceI'm new here so I'm going back to the archives to read all the old stuff before I read the new stuff.
Wow - kind of makes me wonder what you were paying her for. She doesn't sound like she knows what she's doing.
You, on the other hand, do know what you're doing.
Are you taking patients? Or maybe I should just keep reading...
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