Tuesday, January 15, 2008

YOU are not ALONE

Because my self-esteem is completely tied to the number of hits a day I get, I, sometimes, (many times) go to Sitemeter and check on who's looking and for how long. Sometimes, the thing that will crack me up is someone googling "Dirty, Naughty Girls" and then they find my blog.


Today, I noticed a girl had googled a topic that lead her to this blog and I looked closer to see what the topic was and...


Because she googled, "I AM TOO FAT, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME." (Which led her to my entry, "Oh, My God, You're So Fat! Congratulations") I wanted to jump through the computer and fly through the internet and land in her bedroom, living room, library, coffee shop, dorm room, where ever and GIVE HER A BIG FAT HUG.

Then we would sit down and have a CUP CAKE (Red Velvet) and I would say, "You are not alone."

I have felt that way at this weight. I have felt that way, 20 pounds lighter than this AND I HAVE FELT THAT WAY, five years ago, AT MY HIGH SCHOOL WEIGHT, on a work retreat, wearing the cutest TANK-INI with cherry blossoms and abs and Renne Zellweger arms and still FELT THAT WAY.

I even felt that way, AT MY HIGH SCHOOL DANCE, at a perfect weight, though still wearing a girdle EVEN THOUGH I attended the dance with my sort-of-cousin AND OBVIOUSLY WAS NOT looking to get any. (Though I did feel a little heat as we uncomfortably slow danced to some Whitney Houston song.)

It makes me sad that I so COULDN'T SEE MYSELF, even at the most perfect weight, that I had to continue the FEMALE TORTURE of dieting, gaining, hating myself, RINSE, REPEAT.

So of course, I want to save someone who is going through that. DON'T BE ME. I could DIE admitting this. But remember, when my shrink told me, "YOU ARE NOT YOUR BODY?" And I was like, "Yes, I am! I am my Body. I am my Fat! Every problem I have is because of this! (Dramatically grab BACK FAT in defiance) I'm outta here!" Maybe she was right.

Maybe I HAD TO THINK, "I AM MY BODY... I AM MY WEIGHT, I DON'T DESERVE HAPPINESS UNTIL I'M THIN," MAYBE I had to think that, I had to believe it, because if I didn't and I wasn't obsessed WITH ALL THINGS DIET & WEIGHT LOSS... I would really have to LIVE.


So I would say to this girl, "You Are Not Your Body" and "Don't Stop Living and Doing The Things You Love Because You Got A Little Junk In Your Trunk." Have fun, people with ample bosoms and stomachs and thighs deserve FUN. Write in your journal, stay ON TOP OF THOSE EMOTIONS. Get a Girl Gang like I have that you can talk to. GO TO THERAPY, it's AWESOME. But don't isolate, don't get under the covers, DON'T PUT off LIVING because of your WEIGHT. Because you are not your body.

You'll get there, just like me, just like all of us. Because YOU are not alone.


Mandy said...

There are so many girls I want to stop and give a big hug to and say "You are not your body"

Nobody is 'perfect' - 'perfect' does not exist. Airbrushing is not perfection.

Bravo for realising this. Bravo

Surfergrrl said...

First, OMG, how much can you tell about the person reading your blog? Well if THIS doesn't convince me to stop looking at my ex's blog, I don't know what will. Any thought of him knowing I look at his blog (and he is tech savvy)makes me want to crawl under a big rock.

Second, I love the show, how to look good naked. We have such unrealistic images of ourselves sometimes. It's just sad.

Two Date Diva said...

You can tell how someone got to your blog? I gotta try this out. Some of the weirdo titles on my blog could bring in all sorts of interesting people. Thanks for the tip!

adventure grrl said...

Hi Ladies,
I swear, your PRIVACY is way protected. All I can tell is how long someone is on and what site referred them. (Like Google or maybe another Blog listed me as on their Favorites.)

Stalk Happy. :) You are safe!

adventure grrl said...


I'm so with you on this. I hate when I'm in a dressing room and some girl in the next room is talking about how fat she is. Then she emerges and she is 15 or 16 and perfect.

And I want to simultaneously hug her and burn down new stands carrying GLOSSY mags with impossible standards on the cover. But mostly, hug her.

Anonymous said...

there was a girl today on my bus. she was a bigger girl, and the bus was full of people, but no one would sit next to her. people were standing and falling over as the bus hit the brakes, but no one would sit on either side of her, probably the only 2 empty seats on the entire bus. how cruel society can be :( if i wasnt already cramming my bum into a tiny seat myself id have sat next to her

wickedzil said...

Maybe this is a little off topic, but what exactly does "sort-of-cousin" mean? I just found that phrase hilarious!

thesleepycat said...

you took the words out of my mouth when you wrote that if you're (you're does not mean you specifically, it can mean me, or both of us, or everyone, like a collective "you're"... lol) stuffing your face with food or obsessively dieting that's a way to kind of numb out and not have to think about anything else.

i am extremely guilty of this :P *sigh*

and about your last entry, yes, I am also guilty of reading your more serious entries and not commenting. honestly, the answer is a little bit of an oxymoron: I'm a lazy perfectionist. I can't think of what would be the "perfect" thing to say, and I'm too lazy to really probe my own feelings and think deeply about what your post meant. or something like that.

But then if you don't post I'm sad!!! so keep posting, and I'll keep commenting, even if my comments arent totally perfect :P :)

hope_laughter said...

Test 1
Test 2
Test 3
Can you read me?

thesleepycat said...

hey... and I also want to add that I make a point to comment especially on your weight related entries, because I love them so much because I can identify with them. i HAVE/HAD intense issues with food and my weight and i cant talk about it with anyone; it makes me feel happy in a weird way just to be able to laugh about it a little when you blog :) thanks so much!!!!

hope_laughter said...

Oh look you can.

I haven't posted, because I just now figured out how to do it. Expect to see more of ....

Deb said...

After reading your last two blogs, i have realized how selfish i am being. I read your blogs, at times am entertained by YOUR words, and i do not give you anything in return. And i apologize.
As another commentor said, i'm also a lazy perfectionist. But i will try from now on to express my thoughts and feelings about your posts.
You're one of my favorite blogers, you're talented and you update fequently (so many others do not lol) So.. i thank you for that!
Bye for now
- D

Anonymous said...

Good morning! You are saved in 'my favorites' and you are like my morning cup of Joe. It is the first thing I check in the morning and if a new entry isn't posted I feel a little "cheated" LOL!!! Oh!...us women with low self esteem!! What is that all about. I can SOOO relate to the post of feeling fat even when you were at the perfect weight.... God, can I relate... and now that I have added about 10 pounds (my own fault of not running!) I promise myself that when I hit that golden number again I will not feel fat... I know I will though. It's almost like an illness... are we "fat" women trapped in "normal" bodies???? No matter how thin we get we always feel not good enough????? Oh the woes of being a woman...do you think men have this conversation with themselves? Heck no! They want the scale to be higher than lower. Do they ever grab a pint of ice cream and feel guilt, joy, and naughty all at the same time? Heck no!
( Raise your virtual wine glass) Heres to bringing out the man thinking in woMAN!!

You are the bomb baby!!!

RadoMom said...

Hi all,
Why is it so easy to love everyone around you with all their imperfections, but you can't cut your own self a break? Why don't I like the person I am?
I'm having a bad day/week. Grrrr...
Okay. Time to get up and do something productive. Not to horn in on your blog adventure grrl, but what do you all do to motivate yourselves? I'm in desperate need of a kick in the ass.

Mandy said...

radomom: I get ya! As cheesy as it sounds and as difficult as it is, I go to the gym as a motivation. I don't push myself insanely - usually only get on the treadmill and go at an average pace - but it gets my blood flowing and even though I'm not 'in the mood' it gives me some 'me' time and all that. Even if I don't do a lot, I feel better for it.

Sometimes it's good to remember that it doesn't have to be an all or nothing situation. Good luck :)

Jen said...

I found your blog off of an ivillage board. I don't comment... but I will say that the first time I read your blog, your profile only had THREE views :)

You are correct, I am you...although I didn't spend quite so many days in bed, I did spend many of them in bed.

Thanks for having the courage to write about your depression. I read every day!

Jade said...

I can relate to every single thing you said in this entry. I look at old pictures of myself and think "OMG how hot & skinny was i?? And I used to think this was fat!" It is crazy. I blame my mother for a lot of my bad self-image. Even in my skinny days she was trying to make me lose weight. I don't think she will ever realize that I AM NOT HER and will never be "skinny". And I am ok with that.

Also, I second the person who said they love the show "How to Look Good Naked" (not as much as I love your blog, but close). I look at those beautiful girls, and think "They're just like me."

Anonymous said...

I too read your blog all the time. It is also in my favorites. I know how it is to write something on your blog then check it 1000 times to see if someone commented. Im just not great with words, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog! thanks for the insites, fun times, and serious feelings you express. It is really nice to know were all not alone!

Anonymous said...

hey there! just out of curiosity, how do you know it was a girl who googled that? could it have been a guy? i bet you have some closet guy readers!

Anonymous said...

Kayla, please don't ever feel unloved due to a lack of comments! Discovering your blog was the best thing that's happened to me in weeks (this is enolan from the self.com board!) My best friend is staying with me right now, and I swear you have been a way better support person than her, even though I only know you in blog format. Please never stop writing these!

mac said...

Woo hoo, congrats on the 5 pound weight loss!!!!! have fun in hawaii!!!

Rhea said...

Ok Enough of this - i want to do , i want to loose weight, i want to foget the pain stuff.
I want to see a post which says, i will do loose weight , and a post two months later saying , i have done it . Thats what u i want to see.

I am sorry if i am being rude, Just that i am very down right now. my life fell apart 5 months back. And suddenly after that similar stuff happened with all my friends. i want to blink an eye and see the world a happy place . i want it to be happy for all the people i know and all i dont know. i want action not just words !!!

i am vowed to change my life today - a makeover .and i WILL do it . and a few months later i will comment here about how i have hanged for good :)

Anonymous said...

I'm going to comment since I'm one of the people that read your diary regularly, and don't always comment. I found your journal through a sbd link. I have my own diary on opendiary. Anyway, I like this entry alot. When I went through my issues with eating {being over weight, losing weight through eating disorders, gaining it back with depression, and then losing it again the healthy way} I had to wake up to the I AM NOT MY BODY call. The truth is, many women learn the hard way that your self esteem doesn't truly lie on your weight. I felt just as shitty at 160 pounds as I felt at 125lbs. It's about changing the way you think. It took a lot of time, but it's worth it. It's worth redefining your vision of beauty, and discovering you are more than your appearance.

I'm just going to sign my comments, JL from now on... so

<3 JL

thesleepycat said...

to chime in with lots of others, and you, I want to make a change too. I am so sick of making myself sick with food :(

I want to be super fit, and be able to eat light and control myself with food over my emotions!!!!! everyone, we can do it!!!!

love-ly-sa said...

couldn't have said it better myself.

you get an A+.

i think i shall add you to my blogroll, so that i can check back often!

all the best!

adventure grrl said...

There are so many comments I want to respond to... BUT first of all, YOU ALL ARE AMAZING.

This is the first of many I will address: "Oh the woes of being a woman...do you think men have this conversation with themselves? Heck no! They want the scale to be higher than lower. Do they ever grab a pint of ice cream and feel guilt, joy, and naughty all at the same time? Heck no!
( Raise your virtual wine glass) Heres to bringing out the man thinking in woMAN!!

You are the bomb baby!!!"


Perspective... Perspective. Take back the time you think about weight. How MUCH time would you have? WHAT would YOU do with it????

adventure grrl said...

Wickedzil - Here's what a "sort-of-cousin" is (Do you have a pad and pen? Okay.) My "sort-of-cousin" that I went to the dance is my mother's sister's husband's sister's son.

See, not blood related. Though I call his Mom "Auntie" and Dad "Uncle"... NOT BLOOD RELATED!!! And thusly, it's sad but not creepy. xo

Dave said...

[quote]Do they ever grab a pint of ice cream and feel guilt, joy, and naughty all at the same time? [/quote]
Yes we do. Why else would "Cherry Garcia" ice cream come in quarts?

I first followed a link during the WGA strike. (for some reason my nicname has changed from djwade to dave.) I've been depressed enough that I've stayed away for quite some time, now I'm working my way to the present.