Sunday, January 20, 2008

Your Fat Is Not Fooling Anyone

I'm in Kauai and my BATHING SUIT ANXIETY is at a ORANGE LEVEL (sweating, nervous stomach feeling, debating faking an illness so I can stay in bed so no one will SEE ME IN IT.)

Then I think, "I'M IN KAUAI." C'mon! It's AMAZING! It's BEAUTIFUL! There are things to swim in! Get that pink spandex, girdle-like bathing contraption on!

I resist. I could have put it on at the house. Then at the clean, non-hepatitis getting bathroom at this cute little shopping center. No.

Not ready.

Because... I'm embarrassed. How I will look. But my butt reminds me of two cats fighting in a bag. Really, want to know what my butt looks like? Put sweat pants on. Now, go into your bedroom. Get two pillows off the bed, fold them in half. Now put them between your sweatpants and your bum. If you can stack a shelf of books on that bum or someone can rest a cocktail on it, THAT'S MY BUM.

In Kauai. With that bum. And now I'm supposed to be HALF NAKED in front of my friends like that? With CHUB RUB thighs?

MADNESS. Then I think, "Your Fat Is Not Fooling Anyone." Meaning, do I somehow think I look like Kate Moss in my regular clothes but it's only when I don a BATHING SUIT, that my body EXPANDS ten-fold in front of them and to THEIR ALARM and HORROR, the secret is out and they are shocked to realize I AM A CHUNK.

No. My fat is not fooling anyone.

And would these friends, who are so loving and cool, and probably more loving and cooler THAN I EVEN AM TO MYSELF, ever want me to MISS OUT on SNORKELING and SWIMMING and GENERAL WATER TYPE FROCKLING AND FUN because I did not want to be seen in a bathing suit?

Get over yourself. And I did. Because sadder than the thought of me in a bathing suit was the thought of me being IN THIS BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING place and sitting out on the full enjoyment of it.

So I changed in a gross Port-a-Potty (my punishment for not previously getting over myself). AND I SWAM AND I SNORKELED AND I FROLICKED.

And nobody cared and neither did I.

You've missed out on too many good times because of how you feel about yourself. I know. Don't do it again. Okay.


Jess said...

Congratulations on realizing that you are missing out on the fun and just doing it! When I'm on vacation I remind myself that if I look bad, make an idiot of myself, etc. that I am on vacation - I may never see these people again so I shouldn't worry about what they think.

And yes, I know it is easier said than done 99% of the time because I am only 22, but it has been almost 12 years since I've worn a bathing suit without covering up with a giant shirt (even in the water) or thinking twice about how I looked.

But congratulations on having fun! Enjoy the rest of your vacation :)

Surfergrrl said...

I got over that by taking up surfing. You realize that if you want to have any fun, sometimes you just have to let go of those inhibitions. And you know what, no one really cares! I'm glad you decided to go with having fun. I'm insanely jealous! :)

Jen said...

Bathing suits are my nemesis just because you can see much more than you can when you're wearing jeans and a T-shirt. You go girl! I'm glad you found the courage to go out and have a good time!

cl-pooh1972 said...

I can't do that yet. I am still hiding in my big hoodie sweatshirts and jeans. It's January in Pennsylvania - definitely NOT bathing suit weather!

I wish I could be as strong as you are. Go with your bad, bathin'-suit-wearin' self!

Anonymous said...

The good part of Kauai is that with the exception of the teenie asian girls and the fake and bake tourists, most of the hawaiian gals and locals dont care, they think there is something wrong with you if you are not out in the water, besides madam Pelethe fire Goddess shes a big beautiful gal.
I am also hyper critical of my body, and I get it but I hate when we feel like hiding instead of living life, Love yourself cause you are beautiful, and alot of fun to read so thank you.

s.t.e.p.h.a.n.i.e said...

So here's the thing. we've all been there. I'VE been there. People say "no way, you're so thin!" but honestly, I am my own worst critic and I struggle too. 145lbs on a 5'9 frame is far from fat, but do I have thigh dimples? absolutely. So when you see a skinny girl, just know she has body issues too. we're women, it's what we do.

Rose said...

This story really touched me. I'm going on vacation soon, and while I've never had a problem wearing a bathing suit in public, for some reason I am freaking out about this trip. In my own blog I posted about how afraid of flying I was cause I might possibly need a seat extender. And reading this, I realize that even if it does happen, I don't think my friends will mind that much. I mean obviously they see me and see how big I am. Getting an extender isn't going to make them exclaim "O MY GOD YOUR FAT!” Cause they already know. So even though I might be embarrassed if it happens, I will still have the support of my friends. (hopefully)