Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Why My Mother Is Making Me Bat S%#t Crazy

I'm so not one of those people that blames their parents for everything. Except for today and that is: My mother is making me bat shit crazy.

My mother worships every DIET ever created. Like having a prayer day for each of my sisters, there is probably one for The South Beach Diet, The Cabbage Soup Diet and The Sugar Addicts Diet. My Mom was never under weight or over weight, in fact, she was always at the PERFECT weight. And we, my sisters and I knew why, because she had achieved the perfect cycle of pig out one day, starve the next.

Even on the day my mother was having her Nervous Breakdown, she had my aunt PINNED in the corner of our kitchen, extolling the VIRTUES of "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER." (IT TASTES LIKE THE REALLY THING! WITH HALF THE FAT! JUST SPRAY IT ON YOUR TONGUE, LIKE A DELICIOUS SNACK!)

So, there I am this past SUNDAY, doing my obligatory Sunday call and my mother asks about MY DIET. Now this is after I've already told her over Christmas break, I'm on WW, I've got a handle on this, the weight (THE BACK FAT, THE EXTRA ASS, THE CHUB RUB THIGHS) came on because I was so depressed (loss of writing job, cousin's murder, being dumped, HER NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, the stress of stealing expired Vicodins from my friends), BUT I SWEAR, I'm better now but in no uncertain terms (I think) I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS. (I wrote about this in the "Why Wafting Taco Bell Out Of My Car Is Essential to My Sanity" entry).

Now I'm in "Landmine City." Being a mommy pleaser, I just want her to be SO DARN PROUD of me so I say, "I've lost 7 pounds. I'm doing good." But by opening the door a crack, IN COMES THE AVALANCHE OF QUESTIONS and COMMENTS, "Are you staying for the meetings? Are you exercising? ARE YOU USING "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER?????"

Then she says, "You know, if you just EAT SMALLER PORTIONS, YOU'LL LOSE WEIGHT." REALLY??? WELL, NOW I'M SET FREE! BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW THAT! I wasn't even using a plate before, I just ate out of a giant wheel barrel. Was that too much?!?!!!!!

The rage had really boiled up. Why? Because if she listened to me the first time, that this weight was a direct result of my depression over my cousin's death, ETC., SHE WOULD KNOW I DON'T NEED ADVICE ABOUT PORTION CONTROL.

I needed time to get over how sad, angry, guilty, terrified, hopeless and depressed I was.

By her thinking I just need to limit my portions dismisses everything I have gone through these past two years. And I know why. BECAUSE SHE CAN'T GO THROUGH IT. Not her mother's death, all my father's illnesses or her nephew's murder. So she stores it up, eating and starving to stay in the CHAOS and having something ("I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER" lectures) to take her mind off the pain she is in.

But I don't want to be any part of it. It's how I learned to cope this long. But I don't want to be that way anymore.


She got mad, pitched a fit and even hung up on me as I was saying, "I love you." Because I do love her. But I don't want to talk about diets with her anymore. Because that's so NOT what this is about.

And I stand f'ing firmly in that resolve, although, I have to admit that when I saw the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" spray in my fridge, I felt so damn guilty.


Surfergrrl said...

no matter what age you are, it seems there are communication obstacles with your parents from time to time. Your mom obviously has her own issues which she is dealing with and you with yours. right now I think those issues are crossing paths...and maybe you are further ahead of the game than she is.

One neat little trick I found when dealing with someone who is sticking it to me and bugging me to see, "their point of view," is to listen to them first (even though it's annoying), then politely say, "thank you for your point of view, I'll give that some time and consideration." Usually it shuts them up for awhile and even if you disagree, you appear open. Then maybe try to change the subject or say you have to get off the phone because the vibrator delivery man just brought over your newest toy. hee!

Mandy said...

My mother has only recently come to this realisation - and it took me moving across the world and losing the weight BY MYSELF to get it through to her. Last night I told her that I was almost back at my goal weight and she got really quiet and was like "I'm so proud of you and I can see that you needed to do this when you were ready and your own way. My nagging you didn't help you at all, did it?"

Bingo. Sometimes it takes a lot to get to that realisation. But for years she kept telling me that she was doing it because she loved me. And I value that. I love her too. I just hated the nagging :)

thesleepycat said...

this is sad, but - I see a lot of myself in your mom! lol! :P I’ve totally used focusing on food/diets etc. as a way to cope not thinking about other things.
Making the choice to not live that way anymore is SO INCREDIBLY BRAVE!! You go girl!!! Your mom is driving you crazy because she is still holding on to that way of coping. Recognizing that is so important… and knowing that, as you said, you still love her and she loves you too, but she’s just scared and doing what makes her feel safe (kinda like you having the urge sometimes to get back together with your OBB, because it makes you feel safe even though it’s bad for you. Maybe your mom’s dieting and starve/binge cycle is her OBB? haha)

MtnGirl said...

Wow. This really resonates with me. Thanks for being so open and real because now I know I'm not the only one being driven insane by my own Mom.

Two Date Diva said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Two Date Diva said...

Good for you standing up to her and saying what you needed to say. It's very hard to do that to a parent especially when you know the consequences ahead of time. Keep up the good work! Congrats on the 7lbs and dealing with the depression. Tackling both at the same time is pretty damn brave, I'm not sure I could do it.

Jen said...

Ask her if you can subscribe to her newsletter, LOL!

I know how you feel about crazy moms. Being bipolar and depressed runs in my family and my mother is always trying to pull the rug out from under me on everything, so I know how you feel. I saw the title of your latest blog and I giggled a little to myself. My mother did a "Batsh#t" episode on my over the weekend! Sending positive thoughts your way!

I've also lost 10 pounds since the start of the year, so here's some good weight loss vibes for you!

ferretspaz27 said...

Hi Adventure grrl,
I can relate to this in two different ways, one I am a mom and I cringe to see myself in your mom, and two My mom drives me nuts! I have Sarcoidosis (I know you have probably never heard of it, nobody has) My mother's sister died of it a long time ago. When my mother's sister passed away, my mom married her ex-husband. So everytime I talk to them they tag team me on how dangerous the world is for me. They tell me I should sell my house and move (I live too close to pine trees) I should quit my job (Home Depot is a filthy environment) I should quit ice skating (cold air is bad for me) I should quit rollerskating (I could break a bone) I don't know if they realize that I know that life is short and I am doing what I enjoy so I don't have any regrets. If I sell the house I love and quit the job and hobbies I love am I really living? I just wanted you to know I can totally relate and I am sending good vibes to you too, because life is short and you shouldn't have to be agravated all the time.

EchoEcho said...

Your blog totally rocks. i found it on Defamer. I feel like you are totally speaking to me. I can't wait to read all the other entries.

Phishboy said...

This blog rocks it hard. It reminds me of Diablo Cody's when she used to write about more than just being on Letterman.

WonderlandElf said...

I say this blog is like David Sedaris if he had a blog... wait, does he? Or if the AG is gay, oh, wait, is she? Either way, you're hilarious. And I'm a guy and I don't think anything is hilarious.

NotsoAnonymous said...

I don't think a story that uses the words "I can't believe it's not butter" has ever made me laugh and kinda cry all at the same time. i feel like I should be apologizing for all that you have gone through but weirdly, I'm secretly happy because it's so awesome to read. (except for the really bad stuff, of course I wish you never went through that) I just mean, I get the mother stuff and I think soooo many girls do.