Okay, I've given it some thought and I have some theories. My whole life has been chaos and that is WHERE I THRIVE and do my best.
That relationship was chaos, never knowing if he really loved me, never knowing where I stood, always waiting for the ground to come out from beneath me at any moment. But why it worked for me was because... his distance, un-emotion-ality, felt very familiar to me and therefore, made me feel safe. I never had to worry about what it would be like to really REVEAL MYSELF, really LET GO or really ASK FOR WHAT I NEEDED.
Because to ASK for any of that made ME TOO AFRAID. I didn't want to be VUNERABLE. I wanted it to stay in The Fun Zone, where no questions are asked and no one gets hurt. My whole life has been keeping that ball in the air, hoping it will never land.
My FEAR is, if someone would TRULY get to know me, RATHER than this FAKE HAPPY person I always put out there, they wouldn't like me very much. Even if I, in the past, have shown the real me, the second like I feel like THAT ME is going to be booed off stage, I quickly turn into something else, SOMETHING EVERYONE ELSE WILL LIKE.
So why did I email? I think one of the things I wrote about in "You Say You Want A Revolution" is about how one of my New Year's Resolutions is "to kiss more boys." But the more I thought about that, the more it made me feel about the STEP YOU NEED TO TAKE in order to KISS MORE BOYS.
The DATING step. My fear is I am not ready, I am not a whole person and that I will just ATTRACT JERKS like Old Bad Boyfriend. He will be moody and unemotional and I will have TO LOSE & FORGET MYSELF in order to keep that ball in the air.
So maybe in some sense, I thought, "Well, instead of doing that, why don't I email OBB." Soon emails lead to CALLING, calling leads to MEETING UP, meeting up leads to FLIRTING, flirting leads to KISSING and soon I CAN BE BACK IN THE CHAOS.
Safe and sound.
Because sometimes, we go back to things we say we HATE, because they make us feel SAFE and they relieve us from DOING THE HARDER WORK, the work on ourselves, that once done, WOULD NEVER ALLOW US TO GO BACK TO OLD BAD BOYFRIENDS and certainly, never let us repeat the VICIOUS CYCLE of just finding A New Bad Boyfriend.
The support here has been amazing. I have to say, all I have wanted to do was hit DELETE on the "DEPRESSION CONFESSION #2" entry and act like it never happened. I HATE HAVING A BLEMISH ON MY RECORD! I want to be perfect. I hate that I have been "Rah, rah, let's change!" and then (she makes fart noise).
But I know you guys get it. Especially Melly, who, as I was typing that entry, I wished a little chip would go off in her head and even if she was sleeping, WOULD BOLT AWAKE, and fly through the ether of COMPUTER LAND and land in my bedroom as I TYPED and take the computer and BANG IT OVER MY HEAD.
She is very smart. Here's what she said: "Whatever feeling or message you're trying to get out of these phone calls, seek it elsewhere. Proving something to yourself rarely relies on someone else's response.
Want to prove you're fierce? Convince yourself first. The confidence will shine through to others. Want to know that you're moving on? STOP CONTACTING THE EX."
Amen. Thank you. And just so you know, Melly, the notes TO NEVER DO IT AGAIN, yeah, they've gone up everywhere. Especially, on the corner of this computer.
9 comments:
This was way too strange for me to read- I swear I could have written the exact same thing about a week ago. I felt like such a failure for "caving in" and contacting someone whom I promised a million times I'd moved on from. I've known for a while that I had those fears about dating too, but I never made the connection here and never thought that the reason why I'm often tempted to call, text, anything...is simply because yet again, it's the safe thing to do, and I'm all about being safe. It's kind of a relief to have an explanation for my behavior. Now I just need to figure out how to stop being safe. Let me know if you do! :/
Too funny :) Because all I *wanted* to do was stand up and HIT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH YOUR OWN KEYBOARD!
..out of love, of course. :)
We've all done it. We might all repeat it. Now I try to drunk-dial my parents. Far more fun in the long-run.
Now - every time you have the URGE to call the ex, but you RESIST the temptation, give yourself a gift. Not a cookie, not an entire cheesecake (which I'd love to inhale..), but something special. Maybe it's complimenting yourself, and allowing yourself to accept it FULLY. Maybe it's a walk outside to enjoy being FREE.
...or shoes. Shoes work well for me. :)
I LOVE this blog and this entry was no exception. It's crazy how much I relate to what you speak of- getting sucked back into the drama, not allowing yourself to be vulnerable, avoiding the dating game, afraid you are not yet complete. I am SO with you. Add to it the depression and WHAT a pretty combo, huh? BUT, at the same time, there is an inner strength, a knowing, a confidence somewhere in there that I know too. We are such complicated beings. Thank you for sharing yourself and making me feel less alone.
I feel confident you will grow thru this. I have a gf in her mid 30's and she just met a guy who is crazy about her and wants to marry. This is new to my gf, who even being as attractive as all get out, NEVER had a man love her this way. Never. She is not used to it. In the past she would've rejected this bf but now she is easing into it and is feeling happy. She is seeing what it is to be in a relationship where you are really loved, warts and all.
I am sure you'll get there. It's great you know how to have fun, keep that as that is important and learn how to withstand the anxiety of being more intimate and BOOM! You will have a lot of fullfillment in your future.
I think reading this entry has finally made some kind of connection in my brain - it's SO TRUE that we go back to things that we HATE because we feel SAFE there. I don't think I've accepted that before. I've considered it, but I couldn't help thinking, "no, it can't be because I feel safe, I hate it! It causes me pain!"
but actually, feeling safe could mean we are in pain. familiar pain :P
it's true with relationships & many other things.
huge realization!! thank you!! :)
Now I just have to trust that when breaking the familiar cycle of pain, even though it's scary and unsafe and uncomfortable, there will be a BETTER feeling of safety and comfort on the other side. good luck to you and all of us!! <3
DIng! Ding! Ding! Connection. It's so weird when I see my problems here. Avoiding dating because your not whole yet. That's what I've been thinking, but at the same time will I ever be whole? Connection again because what if you put yourself and it's rejected. Considering that I don't have harldy any self confidence.
I just read this post, and it entirely hit home! It's like you were writing it about me. especially the whole you want to just fall back into the pattern, even if you know it's so bad for you, just because it's comfortable. I contacted bad old hook up, even though i knowwww it's bad to talk to him, and I don't want any part of it. I just wanted to say thank you for you blog, it truly hit home! :)
This post was me in 1996-97. I went back to a bad boyfriend because I didn't think I deserved or could attract any better.
Some serious shit went down between us, and it ended with one of his friends telling me that he had gotten engaged to another woman. Couldn't even tell me his damn self. What a pussy.
So I cut him off, much to the chagrin of his children. As I was going through my couldn't-even-look-at-men-without-wanting-to-hurl stage (which was 7 years long & included a LOT of anger), I reflected on things that he used to say... that were meant to be funny, but were in reality very racist and mean.
The last comment that stuck was at a party when he went to introduce me to a guy I had not seen since high school... and my "loving" boyfriend said to him, "Yeah, she's got a face that could stop a clock, doesn't she?" My HS mate said to me, "Ya know you can do SO MUCH better."
10 years have gone by since that split. I now have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, even when I don't shave my legs & have a bad 'tude. 5 years, and I'm just getting used to being treated like royalty.
I don't contact BOB (bad old boyfriend) anymore and I blocked him from my MySpace page. Did I think of emailing him so I could rub it in? Yes. Did I do it? No. I just dredged up those old feelings he left - embarassment, hurt, and how I had no respect for him. Fastest cure I ever had.
It's crazy how a like we are. You guys always make me cool about writing something that makes me feel weak and cringe-worthy. THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
And Melly, if you ever open your blog up to giving advice let me know. You inspire and scare me all at the same time and I love it.
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