Sunday, March 2, 2008

I'll Take Big Butts for $200

I'm in a crap-tas-tic mood. What has put me here is fear, anger, finances, futurizing, re-writing the rewritten rewrite, an empty fridge, a non self-cleaning house, cups of tea that cost $5.00 (WTF?), unsupportive people, bad drivers, over due library books and no sex prospects.

All this and it's not even like I'm having my period.

So I'm trying to cheer myself up. I've decided that it would be really funny if my life was a game show, like "Jeopardy."

"Alex, I'll take 'Big Butts' for $100."
"They're savory and delcious, just don't burn your fingers when you're making them."
"WHAT ARE DONUTS!"
"Yes!"
"I'll take 'Big Butts' for $200."
"They may be for a woman with child but you can wear these in a pinch."
"WHAT ARE MATERNITY JEANS!"
"Yes!"
"Okay, Alex, I think I'm going to change it up a bit. I'll go to 'Disappointing Your Mother' for $50."
"She would probably love you more if you were what?"
"WHAT IS ENGAGED????"
"No, I'm sorry, the answer to that was 'thin.' She would probably love you more if you were 'thin.'"
"Um, Alex, I feel like that question belonged in the 'Big Butts' category. It makes no sense being in this category."

Then Alex and I argue on national live TV and I am dragged off the stage by security which is really embarrassing because I'm wearing my jeans that are too tight and tied with a scarf because the zipper is broken but they are the only ones that even come close to fitting and I can only imagine that my mother, who thought she would finally have something good to write about me in the Christmas Newsletter is now at home shaking her head and thinking, "Alex is right, I would love her more if she was thin."
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10 comments:

love-ly-sa said...

this may be the funniest thing i've read in a very long time.

now i'll spend some time of my day imagining my own dialogue with Alex...

i'll take "Because I Can" for $500...

"What are you allowed to eat in your bed now that you are no longer married?"

"What is, Anything I Want to Because i Can?"

"Yes!"

Two Date Diva said...

Too bad you don't have mute button for the mom voice in your head. Besides that Alex Trebek is annoying anyway your answer is totally on target.

thesleepycat said...

if it makes you feel better -

you are an amazingly talented hilarious and heartfelt writer. your writing inspires cliches to describe it, it's that good. whatever the size of your butt, you're gifted!

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh my big butt off! I'm sending it to ten friends. Thanks for being awesome and inspiring everyday.

Lisa

GoGo said...

Shut up! You are hilarious! You are the cream in my coffee, girl. How do you think this stuff up?

Michelle said...

Ha Ha Ha!!!!!

Thanks for the laugh!

Anonymous said...

So funny. Oh, my God. I think we are living parallel lives.

adventure grrl said...

Thanks Ladies! TDD, you are so sweet. I swear, I just wrote it to be funny and then that end just popped up in my head. But I think comedy is that stuff that's true aand biting but still funny. My mother's crazy reality makes me laugh.

You go, Love-ly-sa!

Anonymous said...

Okay, this hilarious post totally makes me absolutely HAVE to write in to Entertainment Weekly's website to put your blog on their weekly "must list". ...The must list are the entertainment/pop culture/Internet items you can't live without, and that's totally how I feel about this blog! keep up the good work!

-enolan

adventure grrl said...

Enolan - You rock my world! Thanks!!! :)