Saturday, March 1, 2008


Matthew is my cousin David's younger brother. Now Matthew is an only child after David was taken away from us by a raving lunatic who somehow slipped through the system and was let out of the crazy hospital too soon only to score some crystal meth and decide that that night he would really like to kill someone.

When I see Matthew, who we now call Matty, who is our baby, who walks on water, who we pay for everything when he is around to somewhat make up for having his brother be murdered, my heart kind of breaks and I always feel very emotional after.

It's because he is wise and smart and sensitive and forgiving and loving and commpassionate and has forgiven his brother's killer and is easy to make laugh AND he is LIV-LIV-LIVING. How easy it would be, to be the opposite of all these things.

He is touring with his band. After his brother died, I think he got the sense that, anything can happen at anytime, we are all so... unsafe from having our lives ripped out from underneath us all. I think he thought, "I'd rather have my life ripped out from underneath me living my dream and playing my guitar than stuck in a cubicle banging on a computer keyboard."

So he is touring in L.A. E, my sister came to town to see him. They are like new best friends, closer in age than Matty and I, yet their is this fierceness to E, fiercely protective and loving of him and I think if someone hurt him, they would have to deal with her and that would not be pretty.

He said to us this morning, "You guys treat me like I'm a baby." Yes, we do and we will. We don't want you to suffer or worry or want for anything ever again. No one can hurt you if we are here. Did you see the brick wall we built around you? No one can get to you without getting through us.

Then he talked about driving all over the U.S. of A., in a van, with his friends and he said, "It's amazing how kind everyone is, people are so friendly and nice. I needed to see that of humanity, it's very healing for me." I know he's speaking of David's murder, it's in the room again, which is always firsts jars me and then comforts me. He knows he is safe. He can talk about anything with us.

We kind of, me, he and E, took a drunken pact one night that we would not be like the generation before us, keeping secrets and telling lies and holding all the pain is. Matty said that night, "I feel like I lost my brother but I got three sisters in return."

He is a good boy. He says, "I love you" on the phone and he says "I love you" instead good-bye. Sometimes, I think he's the strongest one of all of us.


Surfergrrl said...

He sounds like a great guy!

Jen said...

Oh to have that much love in our hearts. I grew up in a family that was never good with emotions, no hugs, no kisses, no love yous. Its so nice to hear when people have such happy and loving hearts.

Skye said...

I tell everyone I love them before I get off the phone or leave the house etc because too often we don't tell people until it is too late. I think it's wonderful to hear that a guy in our generation acts that way too.

Anonymous said...

This is such a beautiful entry. Your cousin saounds amazing. You are such a great writer and it's so beautiful how you bring your family to life, the good and the bad. It's so real.


GoGo said...

Really incredible and hearthbreaking at the same time. To tell people we love them every day? It should be easy even when it feels hard. But if he can do it, anyone can.

Anonymous said...

My friend read about you on "mycrazysexylife" and is completely hooked. I think she sent to me because I have been going through a similar loss. I haven't read all the entries but from the ones I have, I feel so less alone.


Anonymous said...

Does your cousin know about your blog? You just write such wonderful tributes to him and his brother, I wondered. I wish I could write as unself-consciously as you. You're really an inspiration.

Jamie (it won't take comments unless we're blogger? Is that new)

Anonymous said...

Wow, it's amazing the human capacity for forgiveness... How can we not forgive if he can? Thanks for this post.


adventure grrl said...

Thanks for all your comments - I love that cousin of mine so much.