Thursday, March 13, 2008

Let's Talk About Sex Part 3
This Time... There's No Escape

Yes, we're going to talk about naughty things but before we do that, let's talk some BLOG BUSINESS. I see you lurkers out there, peeping my pain for 20 or 30 minutes at a time, hundreds and hundreds of you a day. And you don't leave comments? What are you savages??? You comments are directly related to my self-esteem!

Okay. Let's get to the sex. I'll set the scene. My mother and I are in the hospital waiting room before we go see my Grandmother who we've just learned needs open heart surgery. My Mom says she has something she really wants to talk to me about.

Let me add that my mother has a Prayer Day for each of my family members and went to Church three times this week, once on Sunday, once on "The Feast of the Blessed Mother" and once on "The Feast of the Epiphany." Three times! She is a GOOD GIRL. I've never heard her swear in my life.

Okay, we're at the hospital. And... Action.

Mom: "I really want to talk to you about something."
Me: "Sure."
Mom: "I think I want a vibrator."

Inner Dialogue: "Do Not Laugh. Do not laugh. Do not LAUGHHHHHHHHHHH."

Me: (tentatively) "Okay."
Mom: "And I would like you to help me pick one out."

INNER IMAGINATION: I pass out, I'm spayled face down on the waiting room floor. Nurse: "We've got a Code 51: Daughter down due to too much info about Mom's SEX LIFE! We need a crash cart and a time machine to erase the last five minutes of her life."

Somehow I got out of it, what with keeping vigil by my Grandmother's bed and my mom going to Mass 24 hours a day. Soon it was time for me to leave. The day I left, my Mom and I are having a tearful GOOD-BYE in the driveway.

ME: "Mom, don't cry, I'll be back soon."
MOM: "But we didn't even get a chance to look at the catalogues."

You know... for her vibrator.

I swear she said it as sincerely as if she was saying, "But we hardly had a chance to spend any time togther." ("LOOKING AT VIBRATOR CATALOGUES!")

I go back to LA... and it's not long before she calls me. She coming to visit. She already has a plane ticket. Won't spending some girl time together be fun? (No, no! It will not be fun!) I don't want to go vibrator shopping with my Mom.

What was the point of dedicating all that time making me ashamed about sex and my body like a good Catholic Mom just to throw it all away?

Deepest fears? I think it's when commenter EM said that she once went shopping for "oils" with her Mom. It never occurred to me that there might be BROWSING and LINGERING in the other aisles of the sex shop.

Oh, God.

Perhaps I should not have given up my therapist.


Feel free to guess how soon my Mom will bring up the topic. I'm guessing within 24 hours.
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35 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!! This is the funniest post EVER! Good luck with your mom and the....shopping. :)

Angie said...

is she getting there during the day?

Lindz said...

I will proudly admit I am a lurker. I actually just found your site through Pasta Queens a few days ago & am now thoroughly addicted. Thank you so much for blogging... :)

Now, rather than put yourself through a shopping trip and an inevitable lunch afterwards reliving every horrific detail (i.e. size and color & why is there a beaded necklace in this place?), buy her one NOW! Wrap it up with a nice pretty bow & have it waiting when she gets there. As soon as she mentions any shopping BAM! present her with it, and shuffle her hiney right out the door. Remind her to leave the batteries in it & turn it on before she puts it in her luggage so your payback can be a security check at the airport. Mission accomplished. Maybe the "turning it on" part is too much.

p.s. Now i'll be singing Donna Summer all day ::sigh::

cobaltblue said...

April 20, 10:00 a.m. is my guess.

Yes, I've been lurking here since Day 1. I learned of your blog on self.com. By the way, I saw you had a tip posted in Self magazine this month. Between that and the blog, you're almost famous!

I write as a hobby and sooooooooo wish I had been brave enough to make it a career. (Instead, I went to law school. Now I am a litigator and feel a bit like an indentured servant, as I "have to" practice law at least until I pay off my massive student loans.)

So, when you have a bad day, remember that there are people like me out here who admire you. You're living my dream! Meanwhile, I will work on my screenplay and dream that I may be so lucky as to see it produced one day.

Mandy said...

Okay, bets are on.
I say the topic comes up on Day 1, within the first 2 hours. Is that specific enough?

Karie said...

Okay I lurk, is that so bad? Anyway, you make me laugh and you make me cry. I can relate in so many ways. Back to the point, I bet it takes less than 2 hours for your Mom to bring up the delicate shopping trip. Ordering online is so much better-tell her that and save her the trip.

Cathy said...

Great post! So freakin funny! Although I cringe at the thought of discussing anything remotely involving sex with my mom...yikes!
Its great you can put it all out there and make it so dam funny! But if you don't laugh you'll cry is what I say!
:)

Anonymous said...

I can attest to how mind boggling it can be when your Mom make a sexual comment. It's SCARY!! Anywho, I feel so sorry for you right now. But I am still laughing my ass off at the mere thought of a girl having to walk into an "adult" store with her Mom. I would fall over with a stroke in the parking lot before I ever made it into the store. Bets. . .OK I am thinking that she is going to be sooo caught up in nit picking you and your place that she wont bring it up until a couple of days before she leaves say 22nd. Probably a topic over Breakfast. Good Luck!

Nat

Katie said...

Nip it in the bud and go vibrator shopping on the very first day! That way at least you don't have to listen to her talk about it. Oh wait. Worse... if she's staying with you, you might have to listen to her USE it.

SCRATCH THAT ONE!!!

Anonymous said...

i know...... go get some viborators and have them ready for her when she gets there. Put them in a bag, when she brings it up say "Here are the top rated ones.... I dont want to hear another word about it" =)

Julia said...

I'm a lurker...a dirty, dirty lurker. And since you were so nice to not only introduce yourself to the internet, but to reveal the darkest parts of your soul, I thought that I would introduce myself: I'm Julia, I am also a writer, but not of sitcoms, of risk-management communication programs (which is complicated and no where near as interesting as your version of our profession), and I, like every other human on earth, have dark spots on my soul. The one that I'm working on right now, is the over-stressed, over-stacked, over-run, over-worried me that is hurting my health. Reading you gives me the inspiration to not only address these issues, but to see if I can't make them into something positive, productive, and healing. I've started my journey but have yet to write about it...and I've included information about my blog, but it has been sorely neglected.

I'm thinking I should post there soon. ;)

Thank you for sharing your dark spots and your campaign to reclaim who you were, who you became, and who you yet want to be. You're brave and incredible, and on your sweat pants days, make sure you remember that.

Oh, and I think your mom will mention vibrator shopping April 22, 2 p.m. But I agree with your other commenters - buy a whole bunch, arrange them nicely, put them in a bag, whatever, and give in. Mothers are relentless, especially ones that insist on chatting about vibrators. ;)

NYCGirl said...

April 20, 8:45 AM.

~Non-savage ;)

Lori said...

I think the first day within the frist hour and a half

RadoMom said...

I'm with lindz...be prepared. Or maybe get her an internet "Gift Card"!

Okay, I'm guessing April 22. Early evening, maybe after a glass of wine.

Good luck!

Skye said...

I'm guessing the last night she gets a little tipsy at dinner and say something like "oh we forgot to go vibrator shopping!"

adventure grrl said...

You guys are awesome!!!

First, I just want to thank you for coming out of "lurk-ville." It makes me so happy to get to know you all.

And look at all this fearless gambling going on, I'm going to need to put all these bets on an Excel spread sheet :)

Angie, I think she will get here at night.

Lindz, good idea and for those of you who agree I say, YOU'RE ALL SMARTER THAN I. It never occured to me to go "V" shopping first (Dear Lord).

Cobaltblue, remember, there are other ways to write besides being a TV writer. Right now, I'm trying to write short stories. I'm sure you could still have time for that. You never know. "Brokeback Mountain" was once a short story and so was "Million Dollar Baby."

Mandy, yes! Entering you on the spread sheet!

Karie, sweet comment, glad you came out of the wood work!

Cathy, you are not cringing alone, I'm right there with ya girl!

Nat says breakfast. Noted!

Katie, what you mentioned IS MY WORST NIGHTMARE EVER. I expect the thought of that will make me never sleep again!

Julia, your comment made me feel good right down to my soul. I really hope you open yourself up and write more on your blog. It's amazing how healing it is to connect with other people who can relate with your life's journey. I'm rooting for you, girl.

Skye, Lori, got your bets! This is going to be gooooooooood.

mac said...

well you know I've offered to take her either alone or with you to the huslter store or the pleasure chest. You know I am a former vibrator product tester and reviewer for

www.secretsoftheladiesroom.com

I could teach mama F a thing or 2. Seriously, my services are avail AG!!!

em said...

another lurker here although I commented on your csl page admitting this fact already so I feel like less of a lurker somehow :P

anyway, having been inside a sex shop with my mom (she needed oil), I totally cringe with you on this subject. I'm going with the 20th at 6 PM.

Good luck! I love your blog!

TwinkleTwinkle said...

OK im gunna have a crack at this. I say April 19th at about 8pm. Well wait, what time is she coming on April 19th? if she gets there at like 6pm id have to re-guess my guess. post that in the next post and ill guess again!!
Love ya, mean it ;)

Kelly said...

Ok, Ok, you got me. I'm one of the lurkers :)

LMAO about your mother...I am picturing what this would be like if I had to go vibrator shopping w/ my mother....I think I would definitely DECLINE...after I FAINTED from her actually mentioning the word....she's a God fearing Catholic and we didn't even have a sex talk when I was younger...or tampon talk for that matter....so kudos to you for actually going with her :)

Monica said...

Haha, I just found your blog and have commented regularly since. I just can't help myself. So you don't have to worry about me lurking! I have no lurky-ness in me AG!

I laughed so hard at those entries, until I realized that if I were int he same situation I would not be laughing, I would be thoroughly embarrassed and would have wanted to crawl in the cupboard and hide from my own mother. So then, like you said, I slowly closed my computer, but instead of donating it, I walked up to my mother and told her never to ask me for vibrator advice of any kind, and then I about-faced and walked away.

I saw she brings it up 30 minutes after seeing you, Day 1 :)

ferretspaz27 said...

Hi Adventure Grrl,
I think this is part of your mom's healing so you really need to be supportive. Think being there for your mom who needs your emotional support. I think you should get your joy friends together and find out how to host one of those sex parties. I don't know how but I think it just takes a little research. You can turn the negative into a possitive and get closer to your mom without it being creepy and one on one.
I hope this helps.
Hugs,
Laura

Susan said...

Yeah, I lurk and I never comment! I never have anything insightful to say, but I guess I could just tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog! How's that?! I learned about your blog from Self.com and loved it ever since!

OK, on to vibrator shopping. I say she's going to bring it up Sunday morning (the 20th) over breakfast conversation...as in "What do you want to do today mom?"..."Oh, I don't know honey...(pause and deep breath) maybe we could go do that shopping we talked about before?"

For the record, my mom is crazy too, we should compare sometime!

Imagine said...

Another lurking fan of your blog... Re. your mum and the vibrator shopping, surely this is what online shopping was invented for??! Good luck with it. :)

Anonymous said...

OMG! you poor thing! I would be soooo uncomfortable if my mom would do such a thing...

as my guess I'd say: first day she comes, but late, after you ate dinner and you hoped you survieved the day.... if you eat out, I'd say while waiting for the bill, if you will eat at home: while washing dished/putting them into dishwasher...

I do hope it won't be THAT BAD

one more thing: could you tell her sex talk with her makes you very uneasy and you'd rather not talk about it?

domidee@tlen.pl

anji said...

It's only my 2nd time here, it takes me a while to muster the courage to leave a message because I like to know a person first before doing so, hehe... but - I am also going through depression. Five good solid years of it, good ol' faithful depression. The one thing I can always count on lurking it's ugly head around. Sometimes you really do have to make a funny out of it, otherwise it becomes all consumming.

Hope? Sounds like you've got it. Keep up and soon enough, things take on a new perspective... one that we can feel comfortable with enough to continue on with life. It's never the same as before, but it is different enough that we can keep going. Take care, anji

Anonymous said...

Lurker uncovered. I started reading your blog about a week ago. Looking forward to reading about your shopping excursion.

Anonymous said...

Mom's need love too! Bring a vibrator knowledgeable friend along for the ride, and allow the two of them to pick out mom's new friend.

Yep I am a MOM!

Good Luck!

TwinkleTwinkle said...

Hello, Twinkle again. I dont know y, but every time i think about this topic, Talk Sex with Sue Johansan pops into my mind. make sure ur not awake with ur mom at like 3 in the morning watching tv... or u might run across it!! ERLACK!

Angie said...

if she is getting here at night then i say she says the next morning when you guys are talking about what you want to do for the day

Jade said...

fuck, at least your mom knows what a vibrator is. my mom would never use one because "masturbation is WRONG, SICK, and PERVERTED!". ok, that's not an exact quote, but my mom would probably say something similar.

i bet she asks about it on her second day there.

adventure grrl said...

Anji, your comment really touched me. I don't know what your circumstances are but I hope you'll know that there can be glimmers of light during/after a really devastating depression. Your post made me realize... I still have a lot of digging to do. Right now, we're having some fun here, but there is more work to be done, at least on my end to keep the depression monster at bay. So I hope you stick around and we can do it together.

cl-pooh1972 said...

Maybe you should show her "adamandeve (dot) com"? I'm sure she will ask about the vibrator in the car, on the way back from the airport.

anji said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Well, I've never blogged, commented, or anything on the internet, and still can't believe I'm commenting now, except I felt I had to since I'm one of the ones you mention about lurking. I'm sorry :( I saw something about it in Self Magazine and have been reading for a few months now. I eagerly check every few days and love what you write! Your blog makes me laugh and I feel as though we're all in this crazy thing called "life" together but you make it somehow not seem so bad. So many of us have issues and experiences that we don't have anyone to share them with. Thank you for keeping up with your blog. I can't wait to read each new post. And, about your mom, not sure how I'd handle that. I'll have to wait and see what you do...