Monday, March 17, 2008

Let's Talk About Sex Part 4
Mom, "V"s & Double "A" Batteries

All your advice has been so amazing. First, I thought the most brilliant plan would be to shop for one or two ("sighs", shakes head) "sex toys" before my Mom comes and then present them to her when she asks when we can go shopping.

But then someone said that right now my Mom needs support and that made me think that, if, the second she brings up the idea of us going "V" shopping together, I throw rubbery, vibrating things at her in disgust and run out of the room, well, THAT would not be very supportive.

Clearly, the person with the problem here is me. And after being raised ultra-Catholic, I have kind of resented having to find my way around my own sexuality with no help or advice and certainly many times too mortified to ask for help or advice, only to wish that I had: "It does what???? It goes where???? Wait, is that last thing he suggested even legal????")

(PS, for the person who said they didn't even know how to use a tampon in the comments section, well I thought I did - I put THE WHOLE THING IN. Yes, THE WHOLE THING.)

So, here's my Mom, still young and perky at 62 and she has had no one to ask about these things either. I would like to try and be that person. I just have to practice not going completely white, fainting and throwing up each time a "V"... ugh, a vibrator is brought up.

The solution (besides wine?): I am going to go with my two sexperts pals L & S on a maiden voyage to the sex store. It'll be like a pre-shop where I can ask the people what would be best for my Mom and get myself a little more comfortable. (We might need ten of these trips. They'll be like fire drills, except with chardonnay and barf buckets.)

Deepest fears? I think it's when commenter EM said that she once went shopping for "oils" with her Mom. It never occurred to me that there might be BROWSING and LINGERING in the other aisles of the sex shop. First, it's oils, next it's ticklers, then it's bondagey handcuff thing-ys!!! I thought the vibrator was my problem? Instead it's only the gateway drug to whips and full body rubber suits!

Perhaps I should not have given up my therapist.


This blog is dedicated to Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
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16 comments:

Lori said...

you are hysterical and i am so glad i found your blog! my mom and i are really close (now that i am older) but i think i would even feel soo akward sex shopping with her lol

it's not a gravy train said...

long time reader first time commenter per your previous post.

You know, if you think of your mom as your GF then the trip should be a riot. Yes it is your mom, but your mom is a female and if you think of her that way she it will be a lot better.

Cathy said...

Wow girl! We have lots in common...I too was raised ultra catholic and pretty much on my own in the sex department, other than my mom telling me that sex was all a guy would want from me and then leave. Thanks mom! lol
Anyway, one time I was in target shopping with my mom and she happened to wander down the aisle where the k-y was and I pretty much bolted in the opposite direction! I can't imagine what you are going through girl!
Too funny you are! :)

Melly said...

Have you considered trying to wager with your mother? "If we go shopping for a vibrator for you, then I request that you no longer bring up the topic of weight/hair/clothing/etc..."

Maturity can be a two way street! :)

Monica said...

Sounds like a good plan (although it is reminiscent of a fire escape plan! haha). I love it!

I tagged you in something, go look at my blog for more details. I would really love for you to do this! I know your blog is already personal enough, but I figured it wouldn't hurt :)

TwinkleTwinkle said...

ok, i have 3 words. Laugh. Out. Loud. Too funny! I agree that your mom needs the support. But why do I keep having this funny scene playing in my head while reading about this situation? The scene: You and ur mom are in the sex shop, ur mom starts looking at vibrators and u say "oh mom ill b right back, i thought i saw my friend". u leave the store, go next door for some coffee (if coffee shops are next to sex shops) and 20 minutes later, u return and ur mother has made her selection. HEHE, ok i dont think u would just ditch ur mom in the sex shop. i probably would, but hey, thats just me :P and i know my mom would do the SAME DARN THING to me!

Angie said...

i think this is all hilarious... the funny thing is that i could so see myself going down the same road with my mom in 10 years. ooo that would be scary... haha

mrsmuck said...

Good Morning,
Someone else's Mom here. If you end up doing the shopping thing with your Mom, that's great. Good luck. My advice is after the first initial trip and or purchase you allow Mom to go see her shrink rather than let this get to you. Once you help you have done your daughterly duty, then my good woman you need to cut the cord on any more vibrator talk.

mrsmuck said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Cravin' Veggies said...

LMAO! Sadly, my mom and I are not close (have really never been) and thinking about ever having to do this with her made me throw up a little in my mouth.. he he he

However... having an almost-teenage daughter of my own who was just talking (quite loudly in the grocery store nonetheless) about penis-shaped cookies... I fear that this my someday be in my future...

Dialing the therapist now...

adventure grrl said...

You guys are hilarious. Melly, good point. Quite deliously devious :)

Twinkletwinkle, I might just have to ditch her if it all becomes to crazy. I will Google which bars are within walking distance!

Mrsmuck, hee hee, "cut the cord on the vibrator talk." You kill me.

For all of you, thanks for tuning in. Considering what the last year has been like, I'm glad my mother can bring us together to laugh :)

adventure grrl said...

Cravinveggies, shall we go half-sies on a phone therapy session? LOL

Anonymous said...

L here. Ready for the pre-mom vibrator scout. Mothers and sex --it's a strange combination. Awkward, yes, but on the other hand I hope that my mom is taking care of herself sexually. Life without orgasms is just not worth living. Personally, I'd tell your mom to invest in a nice shower masssage. That way while her conditioner sets she can get a little action. If you want I'll tell her all about it. xoxox

em said...

haha I was also raised Catholic, which included 12 years (count 'em!) of Catholic schooling so I was guilty, repressed and lacking in knowledge growing up. I agree with the others that you have to think of her more as another lady than "mom" for this shopping excursion. when I was shopping for my own, um, device, the store people suggested getting a fairly cheap one to start because it's kind of an odd thing to get used to and you'd hate to throw a ton of money away on something you'll never use again. I have to say, that was great advice. TMI maybe? Oh well... :P

are there any shops near you that are specifically for women? they tend to be far less creepy and much more helpful.

past-continuous said...

Hey!
I just wanted to let you know I syndicated an RSS feed to your blog through my livejournal...I hope you don't mind, it makes it easier for me to check when you update :)

I also wanted to know where you get your pictures from...they are always adorable!

-Jamie

Anonymous said...

Here's another idea: sit down with her at the computer and peruse the Good Vibrations website at http://www.goodvibes.com/
They are classy and helpful and she can have it shipped to her house -- no muss, no fuss.

xoxox
L